(no subject)
everything feels wrong.
i brush my teeth alone at night. nobody laughs when i walk out of the bathroom without a bra on and hard nipples. excuse however wrong and not polite of me it seemed to say that. i'm just myself with mandy. and she makes me MORE than i normally am. and i hate that i get so used to everything all of the time if i'm happy.
cause now i wake up alone. and i have nowhere to go or look forward to, just things to dread. like how i have to drive my car every day so i can learn because i only have like three weeks left. it's one of those things i pretend will go away if i ignore it. i'm just scared of making a mistake. my mom forgot to put her car in gear the other day and got out of it and hit a tourag at the dealership and messed up her car. she's been driving stick forever. whatever.
i'm sad because david hasn't called. he called yesterday to say he couldn't talk. i hate that. just don't call. not when i get my hopes up and leave you silly voice mails about how i saw somebody who looked just like you in the airport, and it made my heart rise and sink simultaneously. and then not call at all that night or at all the next day. and he's not online and i don't know what that means. and i don't like caring. i don't like that i started to write mallory a letter about it because i hate letting my guard down. i hate being happy about something that gets swept away and taken from me in a few weeks. it makes me feel vulnerable and too much like a little girl who happily hands out her faith and trust in giant buckets to anybody who seems remotely interested. i second guess everything and pile up regret and distrust and anger in my heart until it bursts forth in these stupid tirades. i say so many things i don't mean because i'm able to alternate between faith and doubt so easily. i said to david maybe a week ago "don't ever talk to me again! i'm done with you." and i said it to his aim box when he wasn't even there. and then he didn't call me for three days and i felt like such an absolutely insane person. there aren't even words, i don't think.
hiro was here tonight. that made me happy. even though he made me pick him up when he had an incredibly poopy diaper. it was cute anyway, that he ran to me and threw out his arms and wrapped them around my neck. lately i've been made so happy by little babies and the prospect of having children. who am i by the way? i never talk like this.
i sent in a submission for a poetry scholarship today. and then sent something to poetry.com, realizing five minutes later when i searched for contest scams that it's totally not legit. i have a bunch of deadlines to meet in the next coming months. i don't care if the prizes are only $35 or whatever, i just need something to boost my confidence again. i haven't been writing and it makes me feel lazy and worthless.
i had so much mail when i came home. my favorites being the brass buddha my brother sent me from new delhi and the two mix cds that jaami sent me that i have a feeling i'll be falling asleep to for the rest of my life because they're just perfect. i've decided i still love cds, even though i have no need for them with my ipod. everybody should send me one.
i'm going to sleep because calling david three times and getting his voice mail, and then calling his house and getting that message just made me feel sad about how horrible it is to call someone and have them not answer. it's such a stupid ending. i am always happy when i dial and the opposite when he doesn't answer and i leave a voicemail that says, "hey, it's meee. and i don't know where you are." i like being able to talk to who i want to talk to the second i want to. bah.
tell me where your heart is.
i brush my teeth alone at night. nobody laughs when i walk out of the bathroom without a bra on and hard nipples. excuse however wrong and not polite of me it seemed to say that. i'm just myself with mandy. and she makes me MORE than i normally am. and i hate that i get so used to everything all of the time if i'm happy.
cause now i wake up alone. and i have nowhere to go or look forward to, just things to dread. like how i have to drive my car every day so i can learn because i only have like three weeks left. it's one of those things i pretend will go away if i ignore it. i'm just scared of making a mistake. my mom forgot to put her car in gear the other day and got out of it and hit a tourag at the dealership and messed up her car. she's been driving stick forever. whatever.
i'm sad because david hasn't called. he called yesterday to say he couldn't talk. i hate that. just don't call. not when i get my hopes up and leave you silly voice mails about how i saw somebody who looked just like you in the airport, and it made my heart rise and sink simultaneously. and then not call at all that night or at all the next day. and he's not online and i don't know what that means. and i don't like caring. i don't like that i started to write mallory a letter about it because i hate letting my guard down. i hate being happy about something that gets swept away and taken from me in a few weeks. it makes me feel vulnerable and too much like a little girl who happily hands out her faith and trust in giant buckets to anybody who seems remotely interested. i second guess everything and pile up regret and distrust and anger in my heart until it bursts forth in these stupid tirades. i say so many things i don't mean because i'm able to alternate between faith and doubt so easily. i said to david maybe a week ago "don't ever talk to me again! i'm done with you." and i said it to his aim box when he wasn't even there. and then he didn't call me for three days and i felt like such an absolutely insane person. there aren't even words, i don't think.
hiro was here tonight. that made me happy. even though he made me pick him up when he had an incredibly poopy diaper. it was cute anyway, that he ran to me and threw out his arms and wrapped them around my neck. lately i've been made so happy by little babies and the prospect of having children. who am i by the way? i never talk like this.
i sent in a submission for a poetry scholarship today. and then sent something to poetry.com, realizing five minutes later when i searched for contest scams that it's totally not legit. i have a bunch of deadlines to meet in the next coming months. i don't care if the prizes are only $35 or whatever, i just need something to boost my confidence again. i haven't been writing and it makes me feel lazy and worthless.
i had so much mail when i came home. my favorites being the brass buddha my brother sent me from new delhi and the two mix cds that jaami sent me that i have a feeling i'll be falling asleep to for the rest of my life because they're just perfect. i've decided i still love cds, even though i have no need for them with my ipod. everybody should send me one.
i'm going to sleep because calling david three times and getting his voice mail, and then calling his house and getting that message just made me feel sad about how horrible it is to call someone and have them not answer. it's such a stupid ending. i am always happy when i dial and the opposite when he doesn't answer and i leave a voicemail that says, "hey, it's meee. and i don't know where you are." i like being able to talk to who i want to talk to the second i want to. bah.
tell me where your heart is.