(no subject)
More than anything, I'm tired of being sweet.
Lauren tells me that according to Murphy's Law, nothing can happen the way I want it to. I know she's right. But I still dream about the things I think would be perfect. Even though I know I shouldn't, I sometimes choose the path of least resistance. And it's only after something goes wrong that I come to terms with it and try to say, I'm okay with things not going the way I want.
I don't know how much to dispel. I never know what's fair to say when it has something to do with other people. I never know about other people. I'm tired of feeling like a competitor instead of a friend. I get tired of having to prove myself, and I get tired of constantly feeling like I'm not enough. Because all I've ever wanted is for somebody to love me for who I am, and for the mistakes I make, and for how hard I try to fix the shit that I fuck up, and how hard I try to fix the shit that I don't even fuck up. I don't know where I'm supposed to be right now or what it is I am or am not doing right or wrong that is somehow messing up the present. Sometimes I'm like, fuck it. I can't care. I can't give and give and give and never be sure if it was right or mattered or appreciated. It's like, after you get shit on, or for example, somebody says "You're perfect. You are." and then later says "I still care about her, even though I shouldn't." It's like, well what the fuck? What am I doing any of this for? And that thought never lasts, because I'm NOT doing it to get what I need. Or what I want. I'm doing it because I think... I'm doing it just because that's how I am. And it isn't for the benefits or the profits in the end, because half the time I don't get them. More than half of the time probably. I know he probably isn't a good person, but I believe he is because of how he made me smile for three weeks of my life and so I'll call him, to check in on him. And he'll love her, and not me.
So whatever. I'm going to try to stop crying and I'm going to shut up and deal by myself. And I love that everything I've talked about isn't even what I'm thinking.
Lauren tells me that according to Murphy's Law, nothing can happen the way I want it to. I know she's right. But I still dream about the things I think would be perfect. Even though I know I shouldn't, I sometimes choose the path of least resistance. And it's only after something goes wrong that I come to terms with it and try to say, I'm okay with things not going the way I want.
I don't know how much to dispel. I never know what's fair to say when it has something to do with other people. I never know about other people. I'm tired of feeling like a competitor instead of a friend. I get tired of having to prove myself, and I get tired of constantly feeling like I'm not enough. Because all I've ever wanted is for somebody to love me for who I am, and for the mistakes I make, and for how hard I try to fix the shit that I fuck up, and how hard I try to fix the shit that I don't even fuck up. I don't know where I'm supposed to be right now or what it is I am or am not doing right or wrong that is somehow messing up the present. Sometimes I'm like, fuck it. I can't care. I can't give and give and give and never be sure if it was right or mattered or appreciated. It's like, after you get shit on, or for example, somebody says "You're perfect. You are." and then later says "I still care about her, even though I shouldn't." It's like, well what the fuck? What am I doing any of this for? And that thought never lasts, because I'm NOT doing it to get what I need. Or what I want. I'm doing it because I think... I'm doing it just because that's how I am. And it isn't for the benefits or the profits in the end, because half the time I don't get them. More than half of the time probably. I know he probably isn't a good person, but I believe he is because of how he made me smile for three weeks of my life and so I'll call him, to check in on him. And he'll love her, and not me.
So whatever. I'm going to try to stop crying and I'm going to shut up and deal by myself. And I love that everything I've talked about isn't even what I'm thinking.