[lover's spit.]
& they all want to love the cause
they all need to be the cause
they all want to dream a cause
they all need to fuck the cause.
i started writting a letter to him today, but as usual it took a little bit of time and a couple of paragraphs to remind me that i don't even know where he is these days; it's just the slightest bit disconcerning. yet the whole thing, it evolved out of a letter and into a sketch and from there i scrawled over it with lyrics like 'these cold chairs just want me to see you run//a year from today i'll be someone' and i spent a whole period there on the floor transforming everything i had to say to everyone into what eventually was just a black and white paper heart.
i cut comp sci today to study spanish but really actually just sit around with nile and iliah n. and talk about nothing much more then everything we honestly wanted to, seeing that we don't really have too much in common. nile kept on twirling his plastic ID card between his fingers but i can't ever get the same few images of him out of my head; some how, he's always going to be looking tall and beautiful hunched down in the corner of a loft apartment buying a fourty. my main memories of people never seem to match them the way i think that they would want them to. but nonetheless, i like to pretend i'm seeing them as they are. or something overly romantic like that.
i guess. to be honest. life is good. and calm, sort of back to normal. i've been running alot because i'm just dying to move all of the time. i've been feeling really stuffy and uncomfortable and just need to get out of this skin or somehting, and not in a horrible way, just in the way that sometimes you need change. and school is good. i guess. i'm sort of surprised about how many people considered me their friend when i used to mainly spend most of my time with amanada, so that's pretty nice. and. brian and i are back on the same dumb flirtatious page but it doesn't seem as half assed and horrific as before. and i guess. what the main difference is, is that my attention is focused on absolutely nothing right now, for the first time in ages. and i'm sober and clean for the week days, so all of the toughts in my head finially get time to process and float around a bit. i don't think i've ever felt quite like this before.