i'm sorry if this doesn't make a whole lotta sense...
i haven't updated in a while and honestly i'm scared. really scared for reasons i just don't know. it's just... i was thinking yesterday how everyone keeps blaming the month, the time of year, the weather the this the that on things being shitty and we have to fucking FACE IT it's always going to be shitty. there is always going to be stuff flying at us from the fan and we're always going to have to deal deal deal with each other and it. this isn't going to stop in the summer time and jeez 2004 was hard and so will 2005 and so will every other year after this one. i'm not saying i'm hopeless, i'm just saying you can't keep looking forward to something better or something without this stuff because it just ain't going to happen. sure, we'll be gettin' more vitamin D in the summer and hell yes it's so nice to not fall on your ass on the ice but i'm so sorry to have to say this, it just isn't going to be easy ever again! no matter what we just gotta stick together and deal together and hell yes that is so important and the cure but damn people you can't keep saying it'll be easy sometime soon because it isn't going to happen and we just have to realize that it's always going to be hard and then maybe it won't feel so difficult because it can't be easy but it can be harder!
this is something i just don't want to have to tell you guys, it's like i've been keeping this weight on me for you or something, at least that's how i feel. i don't want to be the bearer of bad news but someones gotta be and i'm sure this ain't gonna help anything so that's why it's stupid to say but for some reason it's been on my mind for so long, so that must count for something.
i guess, a lot of it too is that i keep hearing about the good ol' days and when parties were good, and drugs were good and when times were better or something and i'm sorry but i wasn't around for those and i am just trying to make these times as good and they would be as good to me if i didn't hear about them being better then and make me feel like i missed out on this easy so much fun life that i just find very hard to believe existed. and i am not going to another city for a little while and we all know other cities are better but they arn't utopias. they arn't perfect they aren't going to keep you away from the shit, because it's going to get you, i promise that you can't escape this shit you can just distract yourself from it.. and i'm trying my fucking best.. i seriously am, but sometimes it's so hard and you all know this much better than i do so why am i telling you?
i'm really ready to face this and i'm really ready to realize that my reality is not the same as yours. that my life, it isn't the same and it doesn't need to be compared, really. i know that my experience is lacking and it's kinda scary to face this because i have to realize that love just isn't going to happen the same for me and i'm fucking lonely but i'm not able to love in that same kinda way and i wish that wasn't true but it is. and if i keep telling myself i'm hopeful it doesn't make that true.. and i guess i just feel like this might be what everyone else is doing too.. like it isn't real. but maybe i'm just jealous of that in you, and that's probably what it is because it seems like no matter what i do or tell myself i just can't seem to get it.
this is something i just don't want to have to tell you guys, it's like i've been keeping this weight on me for you or something, at least that's how i feel. i don't want to be the bearer of bad news but someones gotta be and i'm sure this ain't gonna help anything so that's why it's stupid to say but for some reason it's been on my mind for so long, so that must count for something.
i guess, a lot of it too is that i keep hearing about the good ol' days and when parties were good, and drugs were good and when times were better or something and i'm sorry but i wasn't around for those and i am just trying to make these times as good and they would be as good to me if i didn't hear about them being better then and make me feel like i missed out on this easy so much fun life that i just find very hard to believe existed. and i am not going to another city for a little while and we all know other cities are better but they arn't utopias. they arn't perfect they aren't going to keep you away from the shit, because it's going to get you, i promise that you can't escape this shit you can just distract yourself from it.. and i'm trying my fucking best.. i seriously am, but sometimes it's so hard and you all know this much better than i do so why am i telling you?
i'm really ready to face this and i'm really ready to realize that my reality is not the same as yours. that my life, it isn't the same and it doesn't need to be compared, really. i know that my experience is lacking and it's kinda scary to face this because i have to realize that love just isn't going to happen the same for me and i'm fucking lonely but i'm not able to love in that same kinda way and i wish that wasn't true but it is. and if i keep telling myself i'm hopeful it doesn't make that true.. and i guess i just feel like this might be what everyone else is doing too.. like it isn't real. but maybe i'm just jealous of that in you, and that's probably what it is because it seems like no matter what i do or tell myself i just can't seem to get it.