(no subject)
I'm in the middle of collecting up my monthly expenses to send into a bill collecter who might grant me a bit of financial break from my past-due bill, and I found this lined piece of paper mixed in with all the bills... I must have written it shortly after Blake's death:
I have pants that are too big
I have pants that are too small
I have nothing that really fits me
So I guess I won't wear anything at all
I'll stay inside my house
I'll sit, and I'll cry
And think of what might have been
If my baby hadn't died
I need to get out
I need to unwind
But these damned pants...
They don't fit.
They only seem to remind
Of what was, almost was,
And what I've been denied.
This is so hard. It still hurts. I hate dealing with the bills cause it makes me think about it. I know they won't just disappear, but I wish it would go away on its own. Childish, I know. And it's just making things worse - DJ and I can only afford the bills through Dec, which leaves no money for Jan's rent, or a place to stay after that. I desperately need a job.
I keep on wishing that I'll wake up and discover that this is just a horrible, drawn out nightmare. Since that's not going to happen... I need to focus on how to get myself out of this mess.
The problem is... my brain just doesn't seem to want to function. I try to think... and before I know it, I'm crying again. Maybe it's because I try to repress the feelings I'm having... or maybe it's because I'm spending grocery money on hospital bills. Gorcery money I only have becaues my father is so very generous.
In the words of Buffy... Give me something to sing about. *facepalm*
I have pants that are too big
I have pants that are too small
I have nothing that really fits me
So I guess I won't wear anything at all
I'll stay inside my house
I'll sit, and I'll cry
And think of what might have been
If my baby hadn't died
I need to get out
I need to unwind
But these damned pants...
They don't fit.
They only seem to remind
Of what was, almost was,
And what I've been denied.
This is so hard. It still hurts. I hate dealing with the bills cause it makes me think about it. I know they won't just disappear, but I wish it would go away on its own. Childish, I know. And it's just making things worse - DJ and I can only afford the bills through Dec, which leaves no money for Jan's rent, or a place to stay after that. I desperately need a job.
I keep on wishing that I'll wake up and discover that this is just a horrible, drawn out nightmare. Since that's not going to happen... I need to focus on how to get myself out of this mess.
The problem is... my brain just doesn't seem to want to function. I try to think... and before I know it, I'm crying again. Maybe it's because I try to repress the feelings I'm having... or maybe it's because I'm spending grocery money on hospital bills. Gorcery money I only have becaues my father is so very generous.
In the words of Buffy... Give me something to sing about. *facepalm*