(no subject)
I've spent more time crying than not these past few days. But through the pain, I've been able to come up with some decisions.
First off, I am not going to put my baby up for adoption. For one reason, DJ would have first crack at the baby, and he has already told me he will adopt it if I go that route. He may have more financial security than I do, but I believe I can raise our child (I don't want to say better, but I'm at a loss of words here) just as well as he, if not better. I want this child, more than I can say, and I truly believe that I will be a good mother. I have already made life changes for it, and am willing to do whatever it takes. Isn't that what really counts? DJ still won't give up drinking and smoking to help make it easier for me. He's unwilling to do anything he doesn't want to do. So why does he think he'd make a good father?
Gah, I'm digressing.
I need to get signed up for Medicaid. As of now, since I'm living with my parent and am currently unemployed, I am eligible for the upmost care. Once my mother moves out in June, and I have to take on a roommate, I will have to list that person under my income simply because we'd be living under the same roof. So, if I take care of this now, that won't be a problem. Also, I need to get signed up for WIC; That way I will have aid with groceries and baby formula when the time comes.
Once I get my paperwork for Medicaid and WIC taken care of, I think it would be wise to go to the Brevard Joblink building to talk to one of the people there. Once I explain my situation, I have no doubts they will try their best to help get me employed somewhere. And right now, I really need help. Everything is such a mess, and I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Since DJ is incapable of helping me through this, it's time I reached out to whomever is willing to lend a hand.
The only problems I still can't find a solution to are the issues DJ and I are having. I really wish I could make things work with him, but the high emotional demands I have right now appear to be more than he can handle. We do not discuss anything about the child. And if I wait around for that to happen, I am going to be fucked with a chainsaw with a bit of sand thrown in there. I am going to go about tings as my mother has suggested - Do it assuming I am in this alone. Do not depend on DJ. And if he happens to somehow shape up and pull through... be thankfull. It seems like the best advice, because expecting things from him has not been working thus far.
I'm going to do some little things to make me happy. DJ doesn't want me to take my nipple piercings out, even though they make my already sensitive nipples ache at times. He doesn't want me to feed or paly with the adorable stray cat who's starving. He doesn't want me to get another, larger dog, which I would really like to get and have Will train so that if something happens to my child (like he starts choking while in his crib while I am asleep or in another room), the dog will alert me. I think having a loyal, well trained dog to help keep my child safe would be a wonderful thing. I mean, I love Tsunami and all... but while I was having my hysterical fit, I was having problems breathing. I was vomiting and drooling and snotting all over myself because all I could do was try and get enough air to stay conscious, and fuck, did it hurt. While I don't recall passing out during the ordeal, DJ said he wouldn't be surprised if I did (he was on the phone with me, I called him after 10 minutes of hyperventalating) because he said there were moments where I would go completely silent. I just remember tiny black dots swimming across my vision while my head became increasingly lighter. I want a dog who will be by my side if something like that happens. I really believe if I had had some kind of warm body giving my attention, I wouldn't have paniced as long as I did.
So, I'm taking my piercings out, I'm going to started feeding ym stray again, and once my mother moves out in June, I am going to get a lab.
There. Plans to make me more secure, and plans to make me happy. This is doable. I just have to be strong enough, and do what I think is necessary instead of waiting around for a man who has never come through before to actually come through for once.
First off, I am not going to put my baby up for adoption. For one reason, DJ would have first crack at the baby, and he has already told me he will adopt it if I go that route. He may have more financial security than I do, but I believe I can raise our child (I don't want to say better, but I'm at a loss of words here) just as well as he, if not better. I want this child, more than I can say, and I truly believe that I will be a good mother. I have already made life changes for it, and am willing to do whatever it takes. Isn't that what really counts? DJ still won't give up drinking and smoking to help make it easier for me. He's unwilling to do anything he doesn't want to do. So why does he think he'd make a good father?
Gah, I'm digressing.
I need to get signed up for Medicaid. As of now, since I'm living with my parent and am currently unemployed, I am eligible for the upmost care. Once my mother moves out in June, and I have to take on a roommate, I will have to list that person under my income simply because we'd be living under the same roof. So, if I take care of this now, that won't be a problem. Also, I need to get signed up for WIC; That way I will have aid with groceries and baby formula when the time comes.
Once I get my paperwork for Medicaid and WIC taken care of, I think it would be wise to go to the Brevard Joblink building to talk to one of the people there. Once I explain my situation, I have no doubts they will try their best to help get me employed somewhere. And right now, I really need help. Everything is such a mess, and I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Since DJ is incapable of helping me through this, it's time I reached out to whomever is willing to lend a hand.
The only problems I still can't find a solution to are the issues DJ and I are having. I really wish I could make things work with him, but the high emotional demands I have right now appear to be more than he can handle. We do not discuss anything about the child. And if I wait around for that to happen, I am going to be fucked with a chainsaw with a bit of sand thrown in there. I am going to go about tings as my mother has suggested - Do it assuming I am in this alone. Do not depend on DJ. And if he happens to somehow shape up and pull through... be thankfull. It seems like the best advice, because expecting things from him has not been working thus far.
I'm going to do some little things to make me happy. DJ doesn't want me to take my nipple piercings out, even though they make my already sensitive nipples ache at times. He doesn't want me to feed or paly with the adorable stray cat who's starving. He doesn't want me to get another, larger dog, which I would really like to get and have Will train so that if something happens to my child (like he starts choking while in his crib while I am asleep or in another room), the dog will alert me. I think having a loyal, well trained dog to help keep my child safe would be a wonderful thing. I mean, I love Tsunami and all... but while I was having my hysterical fit, I was having problems breathing. I was vomiting and drooling and snotting all over myself because all I could do was try and get enough air to stay conscious, and fuck, did it hurt. While I don't recall passing out during the ordeal, DJ said he wouldn't be surprised if I did (he was on the phone with me, I called him after 10 minutes of hyperventalating) because he said there were moments where I would go completely silent. I just remember tiny black dots swimming across my vision while my head became increasingly lighter. I want a dog who will be by my side if something like that happens. I really believe if I had had some kind of warm body giving my attention, I wouldn't have paniced as long as I did.
So, I'm taking my piercings out, I'm going to started feeding ym stray again, and once my mother moves out in June, I am going to get a lab.
There. Plans to make me more secure, and plans to make me happy. This is doable. I just have to be strong enough, and do what I think is necessary instead of waiting around for a man who has never come through before to actually come through for once.