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brian and i have been on the verge of breaking up for like three days now. we had a big blowup last week about me closing down when things happen and shutting him out, and we had a three hour conversation about things we need fixed and how to change them. he knows that things are rough with me and not stable with us, but he's not fighting for me.
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How I got through? I had amazing friends. I went up north for a month and spent time with my family, who I hadn't seen for a year. I was lucky enough to be able to take the time off and get away, because that really saved me. As of right now, I still care deeply about my ex - I even love him - but I'm not in love with him anymore, and I really just realised that yesterday. The way he's acting right now... he's not the person I fell in love with four years ago. And it makes me sad, but I've accepted it. There's really no easy way to go about breaking up with someone, or getting over someone... you have good days, and bad days. You bounce all over the board in terms of emotions. You cry for no reason, and then suddenly, feel like you can conquer the world.
For awhile, I'd look up "getting over him" stories on google... which didn't really help much, but did remind me that I'm not alone. I miss him, but... I put loud music on and dance in my underwear in my room, and just scream until my chest doesn't feel like it's going to explode anymore. Or I call my best friend and cry. I do whatever I need to do to allow myself to feel that "missing him" feeling, and then I carry on.
There's no one else in my life right now, but even with Tom... I'd suggest taking a bit of a break to just let yourself be *sad*. You're grieving. That's exactly what it is; you're grieving the death of something that meant the world to you. You have to understand that it really is a loss of that magnitude, and just give yourself time. Hearing people tell you that "it gets better in time" never helps, but it's true. Go out; make sure you don't stay home every night. Dress up every now and then, just to feel pretty for yourself. You are an amazing person, and you *will* get through this, even if it doesn't feel like it. And *talk*. I had a journal that I wrote in every time I wanted to say "I love you"... there are even pages of exactly that: "I love you, I love you, I love you, I miss you, I love you."
Then there are entries wherein I am pissed as hell, because god damnit, you left me TWICE. And I was stupid enough to let you.
And then there are the tear-stained entries, and then, the best entries of all - the ones that simply say, "Today was actually okay."
Part of you knows that it's not going to work; that's the part that will get you through. The first time was so much harder, but the second - the second time, I knew it was really over. And part of me was glad it was finally done. A very small part of me, but it gets bigger over time, when you realise that there is someone out there who will kiss you in a public all you want, and all those little things.
I'm sort of just rambling, but I hope some of it helps. I'm always here if you need to talk. I don't update my journal ever, really, but... I'm still here. =)
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But at the same time... I can't deny that I didn't trust him anymore. I loved him so desperately, but it wasn't the same as it had been before we broke up. He left me. He was capable of walking away from me and breaking my heart and knowing that he was doing so, but honestly believing it was better than being with me. I'm not even saying that he was wrong to think that, but... knowing that he had? I couldn't trust him, not entirely. And while I miss him so much that my whole body aches, I know that if something were to happen between us again (not that there's any chance)... I still wouldn't trust him.
I go through entire days on the verge of sobbing, and all I want is for it to end... but I still know that it wasn't working, and it wasn't going to work. What I can't let go of is the fact that we were *happy*, once. We lost it and we'll never get it back, but god, we were so good together once upon a time, and the fact that you can lose something like that scares the hell out of me. The fact that we both believed that we were done... that we'd found each other, and that was it. We were moving to Amsterdam in a year. We had life plans. We had the entire world at our feet, and I want that back. But that wasn't what our relationship was like, anymore. It hasn't been like that for... a year. A little more than a year, really. We'd lost it and we just kept fighting the fact, for months upon months, because there was so much history, and there had been so much good, once.
What I'm trying to say is, even though I feel like everything's happening all over again and I don't want to get out of bed tomorrow and accept that this is my life... I *still* know that we weren't making each other happy anymore. Even when it hurts, I know... that it was right. And I *hate* that fact, but it's still true. I wish it wasn't.
But you know. No matter how many times you wish you could go back and feel like you made a mistake and wonder if you'll ever be happy again, no matter how intense the pain... part of you knows that it's right. It's the same part of you that knows, right now, that you don't really have a future with Brian anymore. I know you wish you did. I know you would give anything to believe that you guys would be good together for the rest of your lives. I know how desperately you wish that this reality wasn't actually real. But you know that it is. You know this isn't going to get better the way that it needs to get better.
A relationship should make you happy 80% of the time. Ask yourself if you're anywhere close to that point. When I was with my ex, and we were happy, god, we were blissful. But the rest of the time... when we were fighting, or when we weren't face to face... a relationship is hard, yes. It's work. But it shouldn't feel like this, Gabbi. Neither of us really know this yet, but it's not supposed to be this hard. Someday, someone's going to show us that.
I wish I could tell you that Brian would be that person. I really wish I could. <3
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