(no subject)
Title: A Beautiful Somewhere
Author: __inadream
Rating: In general, I would say PG-13, but there are a few sections that are NC-17.
Pairing: Addison/Mark, Addison/Derek, Derek/Meredith
Word Count: 17,436
Summary: September-March of the year Addison stayed with Mark, picking up when Derek leaves. It's AU in parts; mostly it's what I think would have happened. And, I started this before we found out Mark cheated on Addie, so it's not in there or taken into account.
Notes: This is it, people. This is fic that I have been working on for what seems like years, but has actually only been about a month or so. It's broken up into two sections, and the link for the second part is at the end of this part. PLEASE PLEASE read it and review, I've worked so hard that I really want to know what people think! A GIANT thank you to: adventurepants, prettyin_prada, rainblows, gangsta_dub, maddie508, toughlovebaby, & literary_critic for all of the support and help throughout this (and Addie for the beta!). I couldn't have finished this without you guys. :)
They say that when you go through a traumatic event, your life flashes before your eyes. All the good things you did, all the bad, and all the things you wish you had done all play in a cruel slideshow across the deep red of your eyelids. Everything haunts you, every thought and dream that you can recall, and when you wake up, you swear that you'll be better, that things will be different.
S E P T E M B E R
if i promise not to fight, at least not tonight,
would you stay the night?
"Hey." Addison slipped into the on-call room, shutting the door behind her.
"Hey," he answered back, the tiredness creeping into his voice. The room was so black that he could barely see her outline, but he could feel her. After eleven years of marriage, he could anticipate every move she would make. Her body was like an extension of his, and he knew every freckle and flaw that he once called perfect. He knew that she knew he had just lost a patient, and she had brought him juju. He knew she would sidle up to the bed, slip off her shoes, and sit down next to him with one leg curled underneath her. She would rub the top of his back and make idle conversation while he drank. Then she would lean her head on his shoulder, her hand braced on his arm, before she kissed him soundly and left him in the dark.
"I heard about Mr. Delaney," she said and Derek reached his hand out to clasp the cup before she had even moved it from her side. She toed off her shoes and sat down next to him, "I'm sorry, Derek."
He smiled feebly at her, blowing on the hot chocolate before taking a sip. "It's okay, Addie, it happens." The coldness in his voice was harsh even to him.
She blinked for a few seconds, studying him before she opened her mouth. "What time do you get off tonight? I get off at seven and I thought we could go to dinner, maybe that new Italian place on -"
"I'm on call tonight, Addison." He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his free hand, silently hoping she would go away.
"Oh," she whispered, fingering her wedding rings. Lately, Derek had had the knack for making her feel stupid. She had sworn she saw he was free to go at eight, but maybe he switched a shift with someone. She felt dumb for even asking, she should have just left it alone. "Okay."
"Maybe Mark can take you? I know how much you want to go try that new place." It was becoming even easier to just push Addie off on Mark these days. She needed him, needed her husband, but he felt like he was going to implode every time she made useless conversation about their patients or some other idiosyncrasy he used to think was charming. Mark was almost always free and willing to hang out with her - after all, they were best friends. Sending Mark in his place was a sure-fire way for both him to get out of the obligation and her to feel wanted.
"Yeah, sure," she leaned down to put on her heels. "I'll just ask Mark, I'm sure he'd love to go." She smiled tightly and leaned over to kiss his cheek. "Drink your juju before it gets cold."
She walked the few feet to the door and smiled at Derek again before shutting the door gently.
She didn't see when Derek threw the cup into the garbage can and stormed out, headed for the OR.
oh god we're here and goodbye chokes on my tears,
while your exit seems so effortless, so mean.
"Derek. Derek, listen to me. Derek, you can't do this!" Addison's voice was frantic as she watched him pull heaps of clothing out of the closet by their hangers. "Derek, we have to talk about this, you have to give me a chance to explain! What are you doing? What are you doing with my clothes, Derek, it was one time." He grabbed the comforter and it dangled behind him as he rounded the corner into the hallway of their multi-million dollar Central Park brownstone. It was meticulously decorated; Addison had hired an interior designer when they bought it and had consulted with her briefly, but most of the work was the designer's. It was full of expensive carpets and marble tiles and oak doors - a house of two surgeons.
He started down the stairs and Addie followed him, as close as she could get without tripping over the blanket. "I know that's what people say, I know that's what always gets said, it was just -" She paused and her hands continued to flail wildly about in her frantic state. "I don't even know how it happened; I don't know what I was thinking." She stopped a few stairs from the bottom while Derek continued on towards the door, throwing it open to the thunderstorm. "It was just, he was just here, he was just … here!"
Derek whirled around to face her, an unreadable look in his eyes. "You screw my best friend and all you can say is 'he was just here'?!" He threw the clothes out into the night and she watched as her clothes, her designer clothes, flew through the air like kites and landed at the bottom of the stairs, already wet and dirty. "Get out."
Addison reeled a little at the words before planting her hand on the banister. "No."
"Get out!"
"No, no. I'm not going; we have to talk about this." She took a few hesitant steps down and Derek's hand reached up to massage his forehead.
"Get out of my house." The look in Derek's eyes was venomous.
Addison clung to the railing and sank down, her hands wrapped tight around the spokes of the banister and her bare legs pulled up in front of her. "I'm holding my ground. I'm holding my ground, we don't quit! We have to work on this." She looked up at him resolutely, but he was a blur as he moved towards her, grasping her by the upper arms and forcing her to the door.
"Get out." He pushed her out the door and slammed it shut. He leaned against it, his wedding ring shining in the lights he had thrown on in his rage. He bent his head against the doorframe. He could hear Addison outside.
"What are you doing? Derek! No! Please, Derek."
He focused on breathing in and out, trying to ignore her sobs and the wavy shape of her hand through the glass.
"Please, Derek. Please. Please, please." He dropped his head from the panes of glass and opened the door. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You have to give me a chance." She moved forward, her hands raised in surrender, into his body. His arms weren't open and waiting, but he closed them around her anyway. "You have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am."
He pushed her away slightly but she reached up to grab his face, "I'm sorry, okay? Okay?" He pushed her back further and stepped back, her arms dropping down.
"I'm gonna go, you stay. I'll get my clothes in the morning." He turned and walked towards the door.
"No, no, no, we can survive this, Derek!" She brushed her soaked hair away from her face and wiped her nose, sniffling. "We can survive this! We're… we're Addison and Derek." She said it with such determination, such resolve, that Derek turned towards her from his place next to the door.
He opened and shut his mouth a few times, like he had the words but nothing would come out. He raised his hands and then dropped them. "I can't look at you. I look at you and I feel nauseous. I just…" He trailed off and looked around him, taking a deep breath and shaking his head. "We're not Derek and Addison anymore."
Addison didn't even take time to process what he was saying; she just saw his figure moving towards the door in a blur. "If you go now… if you go now, we are not going to get through this. If you go now, we don't have a chance." He moved towards the doorknob and twisted it open. "We don't have a chance, if you go now. If you go."
Derek didn't look back at her; he just walked through the door and out into the rain.
"Derek!" Addison yelled out, but she knew he was gone.
your voice is all i hear somehow.
"He has to come back, though, right? I mean, his stuff is here." Addison dug her spoon into her ice cream, scooping out a particularly large bite and licking at it slowly.
"I don’t know, babe," Addison sighed as she heard Savvy say that. She had wanted good news, that maybe Derek was hiding out at Savvy and Weiss', or at a fancy hotel and someone had seen him. But there was no such luck, and he hadn't been at the hospital for a week. "But hey, I gotta go. Weiss is home. I love you, Addie."
"Love you, too, Sav." She hung up the phone and leaned back against the pillows for a few more minutes before the doorbell rang. She hopped up to answer it - maybe it was Derek, finally coming back. She swung open the door, "Hey!", only to reveal Mark. "Oh. Hi."
"Thanks for the greeting, nice to see you too," he said, that cocky half-smile on his face. She rolled her eyes and stepped aside, letting him in. He walked to the living room slowly but she maneuvered around him, plopping back down on the couch and picking up the pint of Ben & Jerry's. "Um, Add?"
"Hmmm?"
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
Mark moved around the back of the couch, picking her blanket-covered feet up and sitting down, placing the feet in his lap and his hands on her ankles. "Add. You can't keep doing this." He watched her as she kept swallowing spoonfuls of ice cream, her face contorting slightly as she dug into the container. "You haven't been to work since Derek left. You have to move on, Add, let it go."
She dropped her spoon into the pint of ice cream and lowered it to her lap. Her head was down and her hair hid her face, so he reached forward and tucked a piece behind her ear. His thumb brushed her cheekbone on its way back and she looked up, her eyes filling with tears.
"I can't, Mark," she whispered so quietly that if there was any other noise in the room, he was sure he wouldn't have heard it. "It's just… He'll come back. I know he will." She nodded her head frantically, as if the harder she did it, the more truth there would be in the statement.
"Addie -"
She heard the tone in his voice. She'd been hearing it from everyone for days. If anything, Derek was passionate. He never did things half-assed and he hardly ever rescinded a decision or move he had made. They all knew he wasn't coming back. She supposed that deep down, she knew it too, but it didn't make it hurt any less. By pretending he was coming back, she could get through the day. She could pretend that he was just off on a business trip that was extended, or visiting his parents in Vermont. She didn't have to deal with the fact that her husband was gone, probably forever, because of her.
"I can't, Mark." She interrupted him and looked towards him, a single tear trailing its way down her cheek. "I can't." She kept her eyes locked on his as the tears began to flow down her cheeks, and he leaned over to set the ice cream on the floor, pulling her into his lap as she cried.
O C T O B E R
you'll fight and you'll make it through, you'll fake it if you have to
and you'll show up for work with a smile.
Addison took a deep breath and stood on the street, taxis zooming by her as she looked up at New York Presbyterian Hospital. It was the first time she'd been back to work since Derek left. After Mark had come to see her, she had spent the rest of the weekend at home, lounging around in her pajamas and watching movies with him. They had spent the whole weekend together, inside, eating leftovers and cold foods that he found in the cupboards. He wasn't exactly the person she should be spending that much time with these days, but he was her best friend. He was the only other one who had gone through what happened with her, and even though it was sick and twisted, he was the only one who understood how it felt. He had lost his other best friend, too.
She was the first one to admit that she and Mark had always had chemistry, ever since they had met in med school. She had hated him at first - he was cocky, arrogant, and talented, everything a good plastic surgeon was made of, but he just aggravated her. It wasn't until one night when Derek forced them to go out to eat with Mark and some random girl that she realized he really was a good guy, and the three of them quickly became friends.
Derek had always busted Mark about his inability to keep a girlfriend, since it had always been Derek, Addison, Mark, and Girl of the Day. Addison had joined in and Mark had always taken it light-heartedly, even making jokes himself. But a few years after Derek and Addison had gotten married, the looks had started. They weren't harmful at first, just flirty glances and winks that sent shivers down Addison's spine. They had started hanging out more without Derek, which was easy to do when he was in long surgeries, and the glances had turned into playful pushes or touches, and kisses on the cheek. Where it had always been Derek and Addison with Mark, it was now Mark and Addison with Derek. They had special movie nights for themselves and took frequent walks through Central Park, talking about everything and nothing. Addison had never felt so close to anyone. Besides Derek.
And then Mark left. He had some excuse about a training program in Chicago that would be excellent for his reputation, but from the look he gave her when he said goodbye, she knew what it was really about. After that, things were never exactly the same. Derek and Addison had both worked hard to make names for themselves, and their practices were starting to skyrocket, which meant fewer nights at home and hardly any time spent together. They tried at first, to make things work. Every couple of months they would go on romantic getaways, or Derek would surprise her with a picnic lunch in Central Park. But surgeries became more intense, their time was even more valuable, and they began to drift apart. Their marriage was spiraling down faster and faster.
So when Mark came back two years later, it was easy to go back to the way things were. They reinstated their special movie nights and went out to dinner at least once a week. They were discreet about it, but both of them could feel the connection. And when Derek started sending Mark in his place, it was easy to forget about the troubles in her marriage and focus on the friendship (and what was quickly becoming more) that she had right in front of her.
They had been careful to not let it get past cuddling and gentle touches, and Addison wasn't lying when she told Derek it was only one time. They were supposed to go to a charity ball together, but while Derek was putting on his suit, he got paged to the hospital for an emergency craniotomy. Addison had yelled about moral obligations, but Derek had left her sitting alone on the bed, her black dress hanging up in the bathroom. She had flopped back on the bed in her underwear, lying there with her eyes shut.
"Well, now, I don't think they'd appreciate it if you showed up at the ball like that."
She bolted up, "Jesus, Mark! You scared me." She grabbed the robe off the back of the bathroom door.
Mark rolled his eyes. "It's not like I haven't seen it before, Adds."
"True, but definitely not the point." She crossed her arms and stood in front of him, realizing that he was in a suit and holding a rose. "What are you doing here?"
"Derek sent me. Called me on the way to the hospital, said Mrs. Anderson needed an operation and his beautiful wife was dateless for the big event."
"Mark, that's nice, but -"
"Addison, I'm here in a suit, with a rose for you, waiting to go. Are you going to go with me or stay at home and mope around?"
She smiled at Mark's forwardness - it was a trait she had always admired in him, one that Derek had never possessed. "I'll be 20 minutes." She took the outstretched flower and smelled it, walking to the bathroom and giving him one last glance over her shoulder before she slipped inside.
the city longs well for rooftops and invitations
all lace and secret places, she moves you to touch with her hands.
"Okay, that was probably the most boring thing I've ever been to," Mark said as he exited the building, Addison's arm looped through his. "If it wasn't for you, I would have left hours ago." He turned and dropped a kiss on her temple, squeezing her closer to him. His fingertips grazed her arm, and she shivered. He stopped and pulled her to the side, taking off his suit jacket and draping it over her shoulders. "There." He smiled at her and she smiled back, not knowing if he knew the shivers weren't from the crisp night air.
She cleared her throat. "You, uh, wanna come over for a bit? For a drink or something?" He smiled at her and stepped closer to the curb, reaching an arm out to hail a cab. He ushered her in and told the cabbie the address. They were quiet most of the ride, Addison leaning against him and his hand farther up on her thigh than was really appropriate for just friends.
When they reached the brownstone, Mark got out first and held out his hand for Addison, who grabbed it and lifted herself out of the cab. He followed her as she climbed the steps to the door, digging in her purse for the keys. Mark walked up behind her so that the two of them were standing in the shadows against the house.
"I never told you how gorgeous you look tonight, Addie," he whispered into her ear, his breath moving the tiny strands of hair of her neck. She turned the key in the knob and stood with her hand on it, not moving. He placed one hand on the small of her back and leaned over, pushing the door open with the other, but she didn't move. She looked back at him and turning around so that his arms were now around her waist.
"Thank you, Mark," she said, and leaned forward, their lips and tongues meeting in the middle. Her hands went around his neck and his went under her thighs, picking her up so that her legs were wrapped around him, and he walked them into the house. He kicked the door shut behind him and carried her up the stairs, his hands fisting in her hair as she slid his jacket off his shoulders.
They made it to the bedroom mostly clothed and he set her down gently. He kissed her again, softly, before pulling away and looking into her eyes. Her hands were still around his neck and her thumbs caressed the sides as she stared back, neither one of them sure if they should make the next move. But he couldn't keep his hands from roaming all over; he had wanted her so badly and for so long that now that the moment was here, he was going to take advantage of it.
Addison could barely focus with Mark's hands wandering all over her body, but she managed to find the buttons to his shirt and pushed each through its loophole, her fingers dancing lightly on his chest as she did so. She finally got the shirt undone and pushed it off his shoulders, revealing his muscular frame. Her hands traced the outlines of his muscles as she kissed the top of his chest, stopping only to rest her forehead against his as she tried to catch her breath.
He reached around to unzip her dress and heard her sharp intake of breath. "Are you sure you want this, Adds?" he whispered into the dark, and felt her nod against his forehead. He placed a kiss on it and continued unzipping until he reached the bottom. He eased the straps off her shoulders, kissing the paths they left, and tugged on the bottom a little, watching the shadow of the dress as it pooled around her ankles. She stepped out of it and towards him, her hands fumbling with his belt buckle before undoing it and pulling his pants down.
They took their time exploring each others' bodies, hands tracing and tongues tasting and mouths kissing. Mark guided her across the room to the bed, bracing himself over her as he unclasped her bra and let it fall away, kissing and licking her nipples, his tongue swirling over and over. She arched into his mouth and made these breathy moans that were driving him crazy. Her fingernails delicately ran down his back, just enough to arouse him but not enough to cause pain.
He continued down her body, kissing the underside of her breast and tracing his tongue around her bellybutton while his hands stroked her sides. He kissed her hip bone as he eased her black lace underwear off, and then laid kisses all along the inside of her thighs. She moaned and he kissed her, just there, smiling as she writhed around beneath him. He was definitely going to make this worth while for her. His tongue dipped into her and her hips bucked up, but his hand was on them instantly, holding her down carefully. He took her clit into his mouth and bit down on it gently, soothing it afterwards with his tongue.
He continued licking and tasting her until he could feel her getting ready to come, and then he pulled away. He leaned back, watching as her eyes opened and glared at him for stopping what he was doing. He crawled back up so that they were face-to-face, and kissed her open-mouthed before gently pushing her eyelids closed with his fingertips. She complied and he positioned himself, kissing her breasts before entering her in one swift motion, groaning as he did so.
She was so wet it was easy to set a quick rhythm. She hooked one of her legs behind his back, her heel digging into him and urging him on. He moved quickly above her and her hips lifted to meet his. She moaned into his mouth as he kissed her, and when the kiss broke, her eyelids fluttered open for a moment. She glanced at the ceiling and then to the door, where she saw a shadow above Mark's shoulder.
Derek was home.
get up, get out, get away from these liars
cause they don't get your soul or your fire
take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
and we'll walk from this dark room for the last time.
Addison sighed as she leaned back on the on-call room bed. It had only been four days since she'd been back, and she already felt like she needed a vacation. She looked up as the door opened, and could see Mark's silhouette. He stepped into the room and closed it behind him, sitting on the bed opposite hers.
"They're already talking about me, Mark," she sighed, sitting forward and leaning her elbows on her knees. "Everyone - the nurses, the surgeons, even the fucking janitors. They're all watching me, watching us."
"Addison." Mark reached out for her fidgeting hands and covered them with his own. "So what if they're talking about us?"
Addison looked up at him incredulously. "So what? So what? Mark, we work in a hospital. Everyone knows our business, even some of our patients, because they've heard it from nurses. I'm trying to run a reputable practice here, and it's kind of hard to do so when all I hear is about how I'm such a whore for shacking up with you when my husband is gone."
"Addie, you are not a whore. Derek's the one that left us. Okay? They don't know what's going on with us; they don't know what we have."
"But that's just it, Mark. What do we have? Me, the cheating whore of a wife, who is staying with you because my husband, ex-husband, whatever, is God-knows-where, and we got tangled up in each other. I miss how it used to be, with the date nights and the flirting. Everything's just so complicated." She dropped her head into her hands and he sat in front of her, rubbing her forearms.
"Let's go away," he announced suddenly. "For the weekend, let's go away."
She looked up at him warily, "What?"
"I'm serious! Neither of us have to work this weekend, and I bet I can get us both Monday off, so let's go away. We can go up to Connecticut or something, my family has a log cabin up there that they hardly use. What do you say?"
Addison made a face at the words 'log cabin'. "There's running water, right? And toilets?"
Mark laughed. "Yes, Addiebug, there are toilets and running water."
Addison pondered it for a few more minutes before nodding slowly. "Okay. Let's go." Mark smiled back at her. "But you get to ask the Chief for Monday off." Mark chuckled again and kissed her forehead before walking out, on his way to talk to the Chief.
some things tie your life together,
slender threads and things to treasure,
days like that should last and last and last.
They had arrived at the cabin around midnight, driving up after work. Upon inspection, Addison had deemed it okay (albeit dusty), and they had started to unpack. Mark had considerably less to unpack - after all, Addison was a woman and a woman with excellent taste, at that - so he had left the bedroom earlier, and Addison could hear him puttering around in the other rooms.
She was arranging her shoes on the floor of the closet when she heard the floorboards squeak, and looked up to see Mark. He moved around her and pulled open a drawer, removing his khakis and button-down shirt and replacing them with flannel pajama bottoms and a soft grey t-shirt.
"You might want to get into something more comfortable, Add," he said, looking at her crouched in the closet, still dressed in a Dolce & Gabbana print dress and stockings.
"Why," she said, eyeing him warily. "Are we going hiking or something?"
He laughed. "At midnight, Adds? I don't think so. I just… have something planned and you might want to be more comfortable, that's all." Addison watched him leave and finished arranging her shoes before she tugged on a long-sleeved thermal shirt and pajama bottoms.
She pushed her suitcase under the bed to join Mark's and walked out into the hallway, heading for the living room. "Okay, Mark, I'm all changed, now what is this surprise -"
She stopped short as she turned the corner to the living room. The lights were off, but the room was lit by vanilla pillar candles on every surface. The room was very large and the floors, walls, and furniture were all made of wood. There was a large futon that Mark had pulled to the center of the room, which faced a big-screen TV. The coffee table had been pushed off to the side, but she saw that it held two glasses of wine and a stack of DVDs. On the other wall, there was a fire roaring in the fireplace. Her eyes began to tear up, and she hugged her arms around herself. "Oh, Mark," she whispered.
She felt arms wrap around her, covering her own and lacing her fingers with his. "Do you like it?" he asked quietly, and she nodded before turning in his arms and kissing him, two tears falling from her eyes and over her lips where he could taste the salt from them.
She finally pulled away and rested her forehead against his. "I love it, Mark."
"Good," he said, taking her hand and pulling her towards the futon. "Sit." She sat down and he handed her a blanket, which she took and spread out across her lap and next to her. "Now, we have a wide variety of movies here, of which you can take your pick."
Addison leaned forward, studying the movies. "Ooh, Star Wars Special Edition!" Her eyes lit up and she reached forward to grab the case, but Mark got it for her instead, not wanting her to spill the wine.
"Addison, you're so predictable."
"Mark, shut up," she mocked absentmindedly as she scanned the back of the box. "Are you going to put it in or not?" She looked up at him, unconsciously sticking out her bottom lip. He leaned down to kiss her quickly and peeled the box from her grip, opening it and putting it the disc into the player. He grabbed the remote and handed it to her before getting their glasses of wine and settling on the futon next to her. She took a few sips from her wine as they watched the movie and then snuggled up next to Mark, ballooning the blanket up so that when it fell, they were under it together. She nestled into his shoulder as his arm rested around her, and he let his hand drop to her knee.
She fell asleep halfway through the movie, and he carried her back to the bedroom, setting her on the bed and spooning in behind her. He kissed her cheek and covered them both with the blankets. She mumbled something that he couldn't hear, and he whispered into the night, "What's that, Add?"
"Said… thank you," she said sleepily. "You're the best." She snuggled back into him, closing every open space between the two and molding them together.
what do you mean i don't love you;
i'm standing here, aren't i?
The next morning, Addison woke to Mark watching her, his face propped up on a fisted hand. She smiled and leaned over to press her mouth against his, dropping her head into the crook of his shoulder after she did.
"What time is it?" she asked, her words muffled by the fabric of his t-shirt.
His free hand rubbed circles on her side, "Eleven."
She mumbled something else, and Mark just smiled and pulled her closer, laying a kiss on her neck. "I thought we could go outside… take a walk or something?"
He chuckled when Addison pulled her head back and cracked one eye open, looking at him in mock horror. "Outside? Why go outside when it's so nice and warm in here?" She smiled at him innocently, hoping that it would be enough to convince him to leave the Great Outdoors right where she thought it belonged - outdoors.
"Addie, come on," he said, sitting up and lifting her reluctantly with him. "It'll be good for us. Bright sunshine, fresh air…"
She grumbled and wiggled out of his grip, burrowing back under the covers.
"Addison!" Mark said loudly in the direction of the lump on the bed.
She poked her head out, "Mark, I don't do outside. Have you seen what kind of clothes I wear? Those kinds of clothes are not conducive to being outside."
He smiled and disappeared into the closet, rummaging around for a few minutes before returning with jeans, a long-sleeved thermal shirt, a fleece hoodie, socks, and sneakers. He held them up in front of him before tossing them on the bed, "Then it's a good thing I packed these, huh?"
Addison rolled her eyes, but she didn't protest when Mark whipped back the blankets and lifted her out of bed, depositing her next to the bathroom. She just gave him an evil look, grabbed the clothes, and went into the bathroom. Mark changed quickly and then sat on the bed reading a medical journal while she showered and got ready. An hour later, the door opened to reveal Addison clothed in what Mark gave her, her hair tied up in a ponytail and minimal make-up on.
She crossed over to stand in front of Mark, nervously tugging on the strings of her hoodie. She wasn't used to jeans and sweatshirts - outfits with brand-name labels were what she was most comfortable in, because she'd been wearing them for so long they were like a second skin to her, and she knew exactly how she looked in them (intimidating, powerful, and hot.) She felt anxious in these clothes, like she was back in junior high, trying to impress the popular boys.
Mark grabbed her hands and pressed them into his so that she would stop fidgeting. "You look beautiful, Addison." She scoffed at that and looked at her feet, but he touched her chin with a fingertip and she looked back up at him. "I mean it, Adds. I love when you're all casual and not wearing a lot of make-up." She smiled gently at him and he kissed her before rising to his feet. "Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah," she answered back, but her forehead creased. "But we're not… like, fishing or camping or something are we?"
He laughed and took her hand as they walked out the door, "No, I just thought we'd take a walk on one of the trails around here. I know one that ends up at a cliff, overlooking the lake."
She smiled and voiced her consent (still with slight hesitation, but she knew that Mark knew she didn't like outdoorsy things, and she trusted him), squeezing his hand as they walked through the woods. The leaves had already started changing color, and they were a beautiful backdrop as the two made their way down the path, Addison pointing out chipmunks and squirrels as they went.
"Addie, you're such a city girl," Mark said as she squealed over a yellow finch, admiring its brightly colored feathers. She punched his arm lightly but smiled up at him, the sun catching her hair and turning it gold.
They walked in silence for a while, the only sounds being those of the wildlife and the leaves crunching under their feet. The trees started getting thinner and Mark guided her off the trail a little bit, coming to stop when they reached the edge of the cliff.
It was absolutely beautiful - the rock face was a couple hundred feet tall, so they could see everything around them in a panoramic view. The lake sparkled silver and blue beneath them, and Addison could see geese floating lazily in one end, diving under the water by some cattails.
Her breath caught in her throat as she took the view in. She hadn't ever been in the outdoors much, simply because she grew up in the city and hadn't even ever seen forests (other than in Central Park, which didn't really count) until she started dating Derek. The New York skyline was her favorite view in the world, but this was simply breathtaking.
"It's gorgeous," she said quietly, not wanting to break the peacefulness of the moment. She felt Mark's arms slip around her waist and she leaned back into him, tucking her head beneath his chin.
The view reminded her of something, but she couldn't quiet place it until Mark whispered in her ear, "It's almost as gorgeous as you," and suddenly she knew.
The year before Derek left for Seattle, he'd taken her back to Vermont to visit his parents for the holidays and show her all the places he used to go as a kid. She'd thought it was a romantic thing to do, and so, despite her lack of enthusiasm for nature, she had agreed. They'd spent days wandering the neighborhoods Derek used to hang out in, eating food in his favorite restaurants and visiting with his parents until late.
The fifth day they spent there, he bundled her up and took her out into the forest, guiding her through snow drifts and over broken branches until they reached the top of a hill. He said it was the highest hill in three counties, and he stood behind her as they watched kids on the lake, ice-skating on the frozen surface. He had whispered those same words in her ear before they turned around, making their way back to the inn and heading straight for the bathroom, taking a hot shower together and spending the rest of the day in bed.
Addison shivered in Mark's arms and felt tears welling up in her eyes.
He rubbed her arms, "Are you cold?"
She didn't say anything, just looked down and nodded, trying to force the moment out of her head. She'd tried so hard to focus on Mark, and she did want to focus on him, but thoughts of Derek kept swirling uncontrollably in her brain.
He turned her around in his arms and saw the tracks of tears on her cheeks. "Addie? What's wrong?"
Addison was quiet for a little while before she lifted her face to look at Mark. "You don't love me, Mark."
Mark's face changed from concern to shock at her statement. He took a few steps back. "What do you mean, I don't love you? How can you even say that, Addison?" His tone of voice was harsh, and it made Addison cringe.
"Mark, you can't love me. I'm a horrible person. I drove my husband away, and I'm so messed up… what if things turn out with us like they did with Derek and I? You just can't, Mark. You can't love me." She was sobbing now, her shoulders shaking, and Mark moved back towards her, engulfing her in a tight hug.
"Addie, listen to me. You're not a horrible person. And things won't turn out like they did with you and Derek, I can promise you that. Because I'm in, Adds. I'm all in, and I won't ever leave you. Okay?"
He felt Addison nod against his chest and he pulled her even closer, kissing the top of her hair. He knew he would never leave her, and if she left, it would be like half of him leaving with her. He shook his head, clearing it of the thought. She'd never leave him.
N O V E M B E R
you do something to me that i can't explain.
"Wake up, sleepyhead," Mark whispered in her ear, his hands braced on either side of her as he leaned over her sleeping form.
Addison mumbled incoherently as she swatted his hand away.
"Addie," he said a little louder, kissing her cheek.
She mumbled again; this time he was able to make out what sounded like "go away."
Mark stood up and sighed, his hands on his hips. Addison was one of the foremost neonatal surgeons in the country, and she could survive on two hours' of sleep if she had to. But the moment she hit the bed knowing she had time off, it was nearly impossible to wake her. It was almost as if all the years of sleep deprivation were trying to catch up in one night’s rest.
He kneeled down next to the bed so that he was at her eye-level, careful not to bump the tray that sat on the table next to him. He watched her sleeping for a few minutes - she looked so peaceful and adorable, curled up on her side in his sheets with her hair mussed and one fist pressed into her cheekbone. He inched forward, keeping his breath light so that it didn't disturb her, and hovered over her face for a couple of seconds before kissing her soundly and firmly, pressing his tongue between her lips.
She moaned in her sleep, her free hand reaching up lazily and curving to fit the back of his neck. She shifted as he continued kissing her and snaked her tongue out to meet his. When she pulled away, she was breathing heavily.
Her eyelids fluttered open and she looked at him with darkened eyes. "Good morning," she said, smiling and biting her lip.
Mark smiled back at her, "Good morning, beautiful." He kissed her forehead before moving up to sit on the bed next to her hips, his fingers easily entwining with hers.
She started to yawn and quickly covered her mouth, looking up at him sheepishly.
Mark felt his heart swell. Even the littlest things she did, her little quirks and mannerisms, made him fall even more in love with her. He bent down until their faces were inches apart, his hand next to her head on the pillow. "You're adorable, you know that right?" He murmured against her lips before kissing her.
"I've been told that before," she said, grinning. She kissed him again, quickly, before sitting up and pulling her knees up in front of her. She rubbed her arms. "So, to what do I owe this lovely morning greeting?"
Mark's face grew more serious at her question. "It's a month, Add."
Addison opened her mouth to ask a month, what? but then she realized. "Our one-month anniversary," she breathed out. Mark nodded and his glance flitted to the side, and her eyes followed his.
Sitting on the table next to the bed was a wooden tray, a large platter in the center with three pitchers above that and a stack of cups next to it, and on the left, a single red long-stemmed rose in a beautiful glass vase. Mark picked up the tray and held it in front of him so that Addison could see what was on it.
He gestured to the platter, "Now, here we have pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream, which, as I remember, are your favorite." He paused and she smiled and nodded, waiting for him to continue. "I also made bacon - crisp, but not burned. Scrambled eggs with cheese, sausage for me, and some potato wedges. Oh, and in the pitchers are coffee, water, and orange juice." He finished and smiled shyly at her. He had never made such a big deal out of a one-month anniversary in his life, and he probably wouldn't ever again. But Addison was different; she made him do things that he wouldn't normally even think of.
"Breakfast in bed," Addison said, not phrasing it as a question but more as a phrase that sounded so foreign on her tongue, she needed to say it loud to make it real. The only time she could ever remember Derek bringing her breakfast in bed was on their honeymoon, and that was only because the tray was already set up and delivered as room service.
Addison took the tray from Mark, guiding it back onto the table and taking his hands in her own. "I love it, Mark. It's perfect." She leaned forward and kissed him, her body pressing into his. The kiss quickly grew heated as their hands started roaming.
"Addison," Mark said in between kisses. "Addison!" He took her shoulders and gently pushed her back so he could look at her. "The food," he reminded her.
She smiled, kissing him quickly, "The food can wait."
He smiled in return and pulled her to him, her legs tangling in his as he pushed her back onto the bed.
i'll sing it one last time for you
then we really have to go
you've been the only thing that's right
in all i've done.
Addison propped the hardcover book up in front of her, tilting it towards her so that it avoided the glare of the light. "Okay. First, defrost the turkey." She looked up to see Mark standing next to the counter with a red-and-white checkered apron on, peering at a large tan mass.
"Done," he said, looking up to meet her amused gaze. "Addison, come on. You've never cooked a turkey; I've never cooked a turkey. And I don't think Savvy and Weiss will appreciate take-out, so come on."
"Okay, okay," Addison said, giggling behind the book. They had decided to host Thanksgiving at Mark's apartment, and he was determined to make a Thanksgiving feast the real way. Never mind the fact that he had never actually made a Thanksgiving feast before, he was going to do it (with her help, of course.) He had dragged her along to the bookstore to look for a how-to guide, and had finally settled on Betty Crocker's Complete Thanksgiving Cookbook, which happened to be the book Addison was currently reading out of. She thought it was cute that he wanted to try so hard to impress her friends, especially since he didn't know the first thing to do. Being surgeons and in-demand ones at that, they ate most of their meals at the hospital cafeteria or at fancy restaurants. On the off-chance that they were both home together for a meal, they just ordered pizza or Chinese take-out.
She giggled again as Mark poked at the bird lying on the counter, and took a sip of her coffee. He had hauled her out of bed at six AM, shouting about how the turkey had to be de-frosted in time for them to baste it and stuff it and a variety of other words that Addison let fly over her head.
"Next, remove the insides of the turkey from the body cavity and drain the juices," Addison read dutifully, watching as Mark eyed the turkey, planning his next move. "Wouldn't this more be along the lines of something I would do?" Addison asked, smirking to herself at her own joke.
Mark, however, didn't think it was so funny and gave her a glare. "Ha, ha, very funny." He threw another frustrated look her way and focused back on the turkey, picking up the butcher knife in his hand. He examined the turkey from different angles, bending down and turning the bird, trying to figure out which would be the best way to cut into it.
Addison watched him, biting her lip to keep from laughing. "Only a surgeon," she said to herself before setting down the book and sliding off her stool. She walked around the counter and stood behind him, wrapping her arms around him and resting her chin on his shoulder. "Babe, we don't have to cook a real dinner."
Mark nodded and tried to shrug her off, still focused on the turkey. Addison sighed and put her hands on her hips as she watched him. Once he got into something, he really got into it. She took his arm and spun him around so that he was facing her, a puzzled look on his face.
"What, Adds?"
"Mark, we're not making a Thanksgiving feast. This is what they have restaurants for." He rolled his eyes. "I'm calling Le Berge and ordering food." She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek before turning around and walking into the living room, swiping the portable phone from the table on her way out.
Mark sighed and looked at the turkey again before pulling out the trash and dumping it in. "Damn bird," he mumbled to himself before following Addison into the living room, where she was just hanging up the phone.
"Okay, I called," she said, standing up and walking towards him. "They're going to deliver the food at two, which is perfect because Savvy and Weiss are coming over at three. We can just put the food in the oven until they get here."
He nodded and reached out for her hips, pulling her closer to him. "Well, it's…" he paused as he checked his watch, "Eleven-thirty right now. What do you suggest we do until then?" He tapped her on the nose gently and hooked his thumb into one of the loops on her jeans, pulling her closer.
"Well, besides setting the table, getting dressed, and picking up the apartment," she paused and smiled up at him. "I can't think of anything."
He laughed and kissed the corner of her mouth as she smiled devilishly. He pulled back and was startled to see her looking down, and no longer smiling.
"Adds? What's wrong?" He angled his upper body away from hers so that he could see her face better.
She looked up and he saw that her eyes were shining. "I just… this is the best Thanksgiving I can remember having in a really, really long time. And it's all because of you."
He pulled her closer, engulfing her in a hug. Her head fit perfectly in the space between his head and shoulder, and he kissed her hair.
After a few minutes, she pulled away and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "Thank you, Mark. For everything."
"You're welcome, Addie," he said, looking down at her as she brushed away her tears. He pulled her back into a hug and they stood there for a long while, thinking about how grateful they were to have each other to hang onto.
but if i take my heart's advice
i should assume it's still unsteady
i'm in repair
i'm not together, but i'm getting there.
Mark opened the door to the apartment and immediately knew something was wrong. Addison's black stilettos were lying haphazardly in the hall, something she would never do unless she was really upset, and the air was thick with silence. He had had a late surgery, and had left a note for Addison in her locker, along with a blueberry scone (her favorite), saying that he was going to be late coming home. Things were different with her and Mark than with her and Derek - Mark always left notes if he was going to be late, and if he could, he would stop by just to remind her again and give her a quick kiss. The only way Addison knew that Derek was staying late was when she was sitting at the table, surrounded by cold food, and he called after his surgery was over.
He called out her name and she heard him, but she couldn't find the breath to answer. His footsteps echoed on the hardwood floors and he turned to the bedroom, gently pushing open the door and wincing at the quiet creak of the door's hinges.
"Adds?" he asked, opening the door further and revealing his messy bed, a large lump underneath and only her flame-colored hair visible against his stark white pillowcase.
He crossed the room and sat down on the bed, pulling the duvet cover back and revealing Addison - snuggled under the covers in one of Derek's old shirts and her panties, her hair damp and uncombed, and her eyes red-rimmed.
"Addie," he said, reaching up and brushing some stray strands away from her face, "What happened?"
"I -" she started, and then hiccupped. She took a few more deep breaths and swallowed, and then she looked up at him, seeing his forehead bunched and his eyes full of concern. "I went to the brownstone today, to get some of my other clothes. And while I was there, the mailman came." She started crying again and Mark put his hand on her face, stroking it and urging her to continue. "He left that outside our door." She gestured to a brown box in the corner, and Mark craned his neck to read it. Mr. and Mrs. Derek Shepherd. "They're the new sheets I ordered, Mark. I ordered them months ago, and they were on back-order, but I got them anyway because they're flannel. His favorite."
Mark sat back on the bed and his hand found hers, tangling them together. "Adds," he said, his voice calm and sympathetic.
"He's gone, Mark," she whispered quietly as tears continued to roll down her cheeks. "He's probably never coming back, and I just… He's gone."
He watched as she squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on her breathing while tears still leaked out the corners. He wiped away each and every one before he stood up, took off his jacket and shoes, and slid in behind her, his chest to her back. He wrapped his arm around her waist snugly and kissed her neck as the tears slowly ebbed.
"It's okay, Addiebug," he whispered in her ear, rubbing slow circles on her back.
She pushed herself even further back into his chest and felt his arm instinctively tighten around her as she did so. She lay there in his arms until her tears had stopped and she was reduced to sniffles and red eyes.
"Thank you," she said, turning around in his arms so that their faces were inches apart. "This was silly, I shouldn't have made you see me like this. I'm sorry." The corners of her mouth tilt up in a sheepish grin as she looks down at her fingers tracing circles on his chest.
"Addison," he said, moving his hand from her waist to her chin, tilting it up so they were looking in each others' eyes. "You don't have to apologize. It's only been two months; it's okay that you still remember and get upset."
"I know," she said, exhaling loudly. "I really am trying."
"I know," he said, mirroring her response and feeling a smile tug at his lips. They watched each other for a few seconds, the only motion being that of their hands on each others' bodies. Mark opened his mouth but shut it again, pressing his lips together.
Addison tilted her head and looked curiously at him. "What?"
He opened his mouth again and took a shaky breath. "I love you, Addison."
The room was filled with silence for a few minutes as Addison blinked at him, not saying anything.
"Okay, Adds, this would be the time to say something," he said, half-joking.
"I can't, Mark," she said, barely above a whisper. "I just… can't. I know I've said that a lot, but I'm sorry. And you know I have feelings for you, but -"
"It's okay, Add. You don't have to say anything back, okay?"
"Mark -"
"No, I swear. I know this is hard for you, and I understand that. It's hard for me, too. But I wanted you to know that, because sometimes I think you forget that I do love you. You mean everything to me, Addison. And if you can't say it yet, that's okay. I'll wait."
Addison's eyes were filled with tears again by the time Mark was finished. She leaned over and kissed him, breathing a thank-you against his lips before kissing him again, her hands tangled in his.
Part Two: December - March
Author: __inadream
Rating: In general, I would say PG-13, but there are a few sections that are NC-17.
Pairing: Addison/Mark, Addison/Derek, Derek/Meredith
Word Count: 17,436
Summary: September-March of the year Addison stayed with Mark, picking up when Derek leaves. It's AU in parts; mostly it's what I think would have happened. And, I started this before we found out Mark cheated on Addie, so it's not in there or taken into account.
Notes: This is it, people. This is fic that I have been working on for what seems like years, but has actually only been about a month or so. It's broken up into two sections, and the link for the second part is at the end of this part. PLEASE PLEASE read it and review, I've worked so hard that I really want to know what people think! A GIANT thank you to: adventurepants, prettyin_prada, rainblows, gangsta_dub, maddie508, toughlovebaby, & literary_critic for all of the support and help throughout this (and Addie for the beta!). I couldn't have finished this without you guys. :)
They say that when you go through a traumatic event, your life flashes before your eyes. All the good things you did, all the bad, and all the things you wish you had done all play in a cruel slideshow across the deep red of your eyelids. Everything haunts you, every thought and dream that you can recall, and when you wake up, you swear that you'll be better, that things will be different.
S E P T E M B E R
if i promise not to fight, at least not tonight,
would you stay the night?
"Hey." Addison slipped into the on-call room, shutting the door behind her.
"Hey," he answered back, the tiredness creeping into his voice. The room was so black that he could barely see her outline, but he could feel her. After eleven years of marriage, he could anticipate every move she would make. Her body was like an extension of his, and he knew every freckle and flaw that he once called perfect. He knew that she knew he had just lost a patient, and she had brought him juju. He knew she would sidle up to the bed, slip off her shoes, and sit down next to him with one leg curled underneath her. She would rub the top of his back and make idle conversation while he drank. Then she would lean her head on his shoulder, her hand braced on his arm, before she kissed him soundly and left him in the dark.
"I heard about Mr. Delaney," she said and Derek reached his hand out to clasp the cup before she had even moved it from her side. She toed off her shoes and sat down next to him, "I'm sorry, Derek."
He smiled feebly at her, blowing on the hot chocolate before taking a sip. "It's okay, Addie, it happens." The coldness in his voice was harsh even to him.
She blinked for a few seconds, studying him before she opened her mouth. "What time do you get off tonight? I get off at seven and I thought we could go to dinner, maybe that new Italian place on -"
"I'm on call tonight, Addison." He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his free hand, silently hoping she would go away.
"Oh," she whispered, fingering her wedding rings. Lately, Derek had had the knack for making her feel stupid. She had sworn she saw he was free to go at eight, but maybe he switched a shift with someone. She felt dumb for even asking, she should have just left it alone. "Okay."
"Maybe Mark can take you? I know how much you want to go try that new place." It was becoming even easier to just push Addie off on Mark these days. She needed him, needed her husband, but he felt like he was going to implode every time she made useless conversation about their patients or some other idiosyncrasy he used to think was charming. Mark was almost always free and willing to hang out with her - after all, they were best friends. Sending Mark in his place was a sure-fire way for both him to get out of the obligation and her to feel wanted.
"Yeah, sure," she leaned down to put on her heels. "I'll just ask Mark, I'm sure he'd love to go." She smiled tightly and leaned over to kiss his cheek. "Drink your juju before it gets cold."
She walked the few feet to the door and smiled at Derek again before shutting the door gently.
She didn't see when Derek threw the cup into the garbage can and stormed out, headed for the OR.
oh god we're here and goodbye chokes on my tears,
while your exit seems so effortless, so mean.
"Derek. Derek, listen to me. Derek, you can't do this!" Addison's voice was frantic as she watched him pull heaps of clothing out of the closet by their hangers. "Derek, we have to talk about this, you have to give me a chance to explain! What are you doing? What are you doing with my clothes, Derek, it was one time." He grabbed the comforter and it dangled behind him as he rounded the corner into the hallway of their multi-million dollar Central Park brownstone. It was meticulously decorated; Addison had hired an interior designer when they bought it and had consulted with her briefly, but most of the work was the designer's. It was full of expensive carpets and marble tiles and oak doors - a house of two surgeons.
He started down the stairs and Addie followed him, as close as she could get without tripping over the blanket. "I know that's what people say, I know that's what always gets said, it was just -" She paused and her hands continued to flail wildly about in her frantic state. "I don't even know how it happened; I don't know what I was thinking." She stopped a few stairs from the bottom while Derek continued on towards the door, throwing it open to the thunderstorm. "It was just, he was just here, he was just … here!"
Derek whirled around to face her, an unreadable look in his eyes. "You screw my best friend and all you can say is 'he was just here'?!" He threw the clothes out into the night and she watched as her clothes, her designer clothes, flew through the air like kites and landed at the bottom of the stairs, already wet and dirty. "Get out."
Addison reeled a little at the words before planting her hand on the banister. "No."
"Get out!"
"No, no. I'm not going; we have to talk about this." She took a few hesitant steps down and Derek's hand reached up to massage his forehead.
"Get out of my house." The look in Derek's eyes was venomous.
Addison clung to the railing and sank down, her hands wrapped tight around the spokes of the banister and her bare legs pulled up in front of her. "I'm holding my ground. I'm holding my ground, we don't quit! We have to work on this." She looked up at him resolutely, but he was a blur as he moved towards her, grasping her by the upper arms and forcing her to the door.
"Get out." He pushed her out the door and slammed it shut. He leaned against it, his wedding ring shining in the lights he had thrown on in his rage. He bent his head against the doorframe. He could hear Addison outside.
"What are you doing? Derek! No! Please, Derek."
He focused on breathing in and out, trying to ignore her sobs and the wavy shape of her hand through the glass.
"Please, Derek. Please. Please, please." He dropped his head from the panes of glass and opened the door. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You have to give me a chance." She moved forward, her hands raised in surrender, into his body. His arms weren't open and waiting, but he closed them around her anyway. "You have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am."
He pushed her away slightly but she reached up to grab his face, "I'm sorry, okay? Okay?" He pushed her back further and stepped back, her arms dropping down.
"I'm gonna go, you stay. I'll get my clothes in the morning." He turned and walked towards the door.
"No, no, no, we can survive this, Derek!" She brushed her soaked hair away from her face and wiped her nose, sniffling. "We can survive this! We're… we're Addison and Derek." She said it with such determination, such resolve, that Derek turned towards her from his place next to the door.
He opened and shut his mouth a few times, like he had the words but nothing would come out. He raised his hands and then dropped them. "I can't look at you. I look at you and I feel nauseous. I just…" He trailed off and looked around him, taking a deep breath and shaking his head. "We're not Derek and Addison anymore."
Addison didn't even take time to process what he was saying; she just saw his figure moving towards the door in a blur. "If you go now… if you go now, we are not going to get through this. If you go now, we don't have a chance." He moved towards the doorknob and twisted it open. "We don't have a chance, if you go now. If you go."
Derek didn't look back at her; he just walked through the door and out into the rain.
"Derek!" Addison yelled out, but she knew he was gone.
your voice is all i hear somehow.
"He has to come back, though, right? I mean, his stuff is here." Addison dug her spoon into her ice cream, scooping out a particularly large bite and licking at it slowly.
"I don’t know, babe," Addison sighed as she heard Savvy say that. She had wanted good news, that maybe Derek was hiding out at Savvy and Weiss', or at a fancy hotel and someone had seen him. But there was no such luck, and he hadn't been at the hospital for a week. "But hey, I gotta go. Weiss is home. I love you, Addie."
"Love you, too, Sav." She hung up the phone and leaned back against the pillows for a few more minutes before the doorbell rang. She hopped up to answer it - maybe it was Derek, finally coming back. She swung open the door, "Hey!", only to reveal Mark. "Oh. Hi."
"Thanks for the greeting, nice to see you too," he said, that cocky half-smile on his face. She rolled her eyes and stepped aside, letting him in. He walked to the living room slowly but she maneuvered around him, plopping back down on the couch and picking up the pint of Ben & Jerry's. "Um, Add?"
"Hmmm?"
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
Mark moved around the back of the couch, picking her blanket-covered feet up and sitting down, placing the feet in his lap and his hands on her ankles. "Add. You can't keep doing this." He watched her as she kept swallowing spoonfuls of ice cream, her face contorting slightly as she dug into the container. "You haven't been to work since Derek left. You have to move on, Add, let it go."
She dropped her spoon into the pint of ice cream and lowered it to her lap. Her head was down and her hair hid her face, so he reached forward and tucked a piece behind her ear. His thumb brushed her cheekbone on its way back and she looked up, her eyes filling with tears.
"I can't, Mark," she whispered so quietly that if there was any other noise in the room, he was sure he wouldn't have heard it. "It's just… He'll come back. I know he will." She nodded her head frantically, as if the harder she did it, the more truth there would be in the statement.
"Addie -"
She heard the tone in his voice. She'd been hearing it from everyone for days. If anything, Derek was passionate. He never did things half-assed and he hardly ever rescinded a decision or move he had made. They all knew he wasn't coming back. She supposed that deep down, she knew it too, but it didn't make it hurt any less. By pretending he was coming back, she could get through the day. She could pretend that he was just off on a business trip that was extended, or visiting his parents in Vermont. She didn't have to deal with the fact that her husband was gone, probably forever, because of her.
"I can't, Mark." She interrupted him and looked towards him, a single tear trailing its way down her cheek. "I can't." She kept her eyes locked on his as the tears began to flow down her cheeks, and he leaned over to set the ice cream on the floor, pulling her into his lap as she cried.
O C T O B E R
you'll fight and you'll make it through, you'll fake it if you have to
and you'll show up for work with a smile.
Addison took a deep breath and stood on the street, taxis zooming by her as she looked up at New York Presbyterian Hospital. It was the first time she'd been back to work since Derek left. After Mark had come to see her, she had spent the rest of the weekend at home, lounging around in her pajamas and watching movies with him. They had spent the whole weekend together, inside, eating leftovers and cold foods that he found in the cupboards. He wasn't exactly the person she should be spending that much time with these days, but he was her best friend. He was the only other one who had gone through what happened with her, and even though it was sick and twisted, he was the only one who understood how it felt. He had lost his other best friend, too.
She was the first one to admit that she and Mark had always had chemistry, ever since they had met in med school. She had hated him at first - he was cocky, arrogant, and talented, everything a good plastic surgeon was made of, but he just aggravated her. It wasn't until one night when Derek forced them to go out to eat with Mark and some random girl that she realized he really was a good guy, and the three of them quickly became friends.
Derek had always busted Mark about his inability to keep a girlfriend, since it had always been Derek, Addison, Mark, and Girl of the Day. Addison had joined in and Mark had always taken it light-heartedly, even making jokes himself. But a few years after Derek and Addison had gotten married, the looks had started. They weren't harmful at first, just flirty glances and winks that sent shivers down Addison's spine. They had started hanging out more without Derek, which was easy to do when he was in long surgeries, and the glances had turned into playful pushes or touches, and kisses on the cheek. Where it had always been Derek and Addison with Mark, it was now Mark and Addison with Derek. They had special movie nights for themselves and took frequent walks through Central Park, talking about everything and nothing. Addison had never felt so close to anyone. Besides Derek.
And then Mark left. He had some excuse about a training program in Chicago that would be excellent for his reputation, but from the look he gave her when he said goodbye, she knew what it was really about. After that, things were never exactly the same. Derek and Addison had both worked hard to make names for themselves, and their practices were starting to skyrocket, which meant fewer nights at home and hardly any time spent together. They tried at first, to make things work. Every couple of months they would go on romantic getaways, or Derek would surprise her with a picnic lunch in Central Park. But surgeries became more intense, their time was even more valuable, and they began to drift apart. Their marriage was spiraling down faster and faster.
So when Mark came back two years later, it was easy to go back to the way things were. They reinstated their special movie nights and went out to dinner at least once a week. They were discreet about it, but both of them could feel the connection. And when Derek started sending Mark in his place, it was easy to forget about the troubles in her marriage and focus on the friendship (and what was quickly becoming more) that she had right in front of her.
They had been careful to not let it get past cuddling and gentle touches, and Addison wasn't lying when she told Derek it was only one time. They were supposed to go to a charity ball together, but while Derek was putting on his suit, he got paged to the hospital for an emergency craniotomy. Addison had yelled about moral obligations, but Derek had left her sitting alone on the bed, her black dress hanging up in the bathroom. She had flopped back on the bed in her underwear, lying there with her eyes shut.
"Well, now, I don't think they'd appreciate it if you showed up at the ball like that."
She bolted up, "Jesus, Mark! You scared me." She grabbed the robe off the back of the bathroom door.
Mark rolled his eyes. "It's not like I haven't seen it before, Adds."
"True, but definitely not the point." She crossed her arms and stood in front of him, realizing that he was in a suit and holding a rose. "What are you doing here?"
"Derek sent me. Called me on the way to the hospital, said Mrs. Anderson needed an operation and his beautiful wife was dateless for the big event."
"Mark, that's nice, but -"
"Addison, I'm here in a suit, with a rose for you, waiting to go. Are you going to go with me or stay at home and mope around?"
She smiled at Mark's forwardness - it was a trait she had always admired in him, one that Derek had never possessed. "I'll be 20 minutes." She took the outstretched flower and smelled it, walking to the bathroom and giving him one last glance over her shoulder before she slipped inside.
the city longs well for rooftops and invitations
all lace and secret places, she moves you to touch with her hands.
"Okay, that was probably the most boring thing I've ever been to," Mark said as he exited the building, Addison's arm looped through his. "If it wasn't for you, I would have left hours ago." He turned and dropped a kiss on her temple, squeezing her closer to him. His fingertips grazed her arm, and she shivered. He stopped and pulled her to the side, taking off his suit jacket and draping it over her shoulders. "There." He smiled at her and she smiled back, not knowing if he knew the shivers weren't from the crisp night air.
She cleared her throat. "You, uh, wanna come over for a bit? For a drink or something?" He smiled at her and stepped closer to the curb, reaching an arm out to hail a cab. He ushered her in and told the cabbie the address. They were quiet most of the ride, Addison leaning against him and his hand farther up on her thigh than was really appropriate for just friends.
When they reached the brownstone, Mark got out first and held out his hand for Addison, who grabbed it and lifted herself out of the cab. He followed her as she climbed the steps to the door, digging in her purse for the keys. Mark walked up behind her so that the two of them were standing in the shadows against the house.
"I never told you how gorgeous you look tonight, Addie," he whispered into her ear, his breath moving the tiny strands of hair of her neck. She turned the key in the knob and stood with her hand on it, not moving. He placed one hand on the small of her back and leaned over, pushing the door open with the other, but she didn't move. She looked back at him and turning around so that his arms were now around her waist.
"Thank you, Mark," she said, and leaned forward, their lips and tongues meeting in the middle. Her hands went around his neck and his went under her thighs, picking her up so that her legs were wrapped around him, and he walked them into the house. He kicked the door shut behind him and carried her up the stairs, his hands fisting in her hair as she slid his jacket off his shoulders.
They made it to the bedroom mostly clothed and he set her down gently. He kissed her again, softly, before pulling away and looking into her eyes. Her hands were still around his neck and her thumbs caressed the sides as she stared back, neither one of them sure if they should make the next move. But he couldn't keep his hands from roaming all over; he had wanted her so badly and for so long that now that the moment was here, he was going to take advantage of it.
Addison could barely focus with Mark's hands wandering all over her body, but she managed to find the buttons to his shirt and pushed each through its loophole, her fingers dancing lightly on his chest as she did so. She finally got the shirt undone and pushed it off his shoulders, revealing his muscular frame. Her hands traced the outlines of his muscles as she kissed the top of his chest, stopping only to rest her forehead against his as she tried to catch her breath.
He reached around to unzip her dress and heard her sharp intake of breath. "Are you sure you want this, Adds?" he whispered into the dark, and felt her nod against his forehead. He placed a kiss on it and continued unzipping until he reached the bottom. He eased the straps off her shoulders, kissing the paths they left, and tugged on the bottom a little, watching the shadow of the dress as it pooled around her ankles. She stepped out of it and towards him, her hands fumbling with his belt buckle before undoing it and pulling his pants down.
They took their time exploring each others' bodies, hands tracing and tongues tasting and mouths kissing. Mark guided her across the room to the bed, bracing himself over her as he unclasped her bra and let it fall away, kissing and licking her nipples, his tongue swirling over and over. She arched into his mouth and made these breathy moans that were driving him crazy. Her fingernails delicately ran down his back, just enough to arouse him but not enough to cause pain.
He continued down her body, kissing the underside of her breast and tracing his tongue around her bellybutton while his hands stroked her sides. He kissed her hip bone as he eased her black lace underwear off, and then laid kisses all along the inside of her thighs. She moaned and he kissed her, just there, smiling as she writhed around beneath him. He was definitely going to make this worth while for her. His tongue dipped into her and her hips bucked up, but his hand was on them instantly, holding her down carefully. He took her clit into his mouth and bit down on it gently, soothing it afterwards with his tongue.
He continued licking and tasting her until he could feel her getting ready to come, and then he pulled away. He leaned back, watching as her eyes opened and glared at him for stopping what he was doing. He crawled back up so that they were face-to-face, and kissed her open-mouthed before gently pushing her eyelids closed with his fingertips. She complied and he positioned himself, kissing her breasts before entering her in one swift motion, groaning as he did so.
She was so wet it was easy to set a quick rhythm. She hooked one of her legs behind his back, her heel digging into him and urging him on. He moved quickly above her and her hips lifted to meet his. She moaned into his mouth as he kissed her, and when the kiss broke, her eyelids fluttered open for a moment. She glanced at the ceiling and then to the door, where she saw a shadow above Mark's shoulder.
Derek was home.
get up, get out, get away from these liars
cause they don't get your soul or your fire
take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
and we'll walk from this dark room for the last time.
Addison sighed as she leaned back on the on-call room bed. It had only been four days since she'd been back, and she already felt like she needed a vacation. She looked up as the door opened, and could see Mark's silhouette. He stepped into the room and closed it behind him, sitting on the bed opposite hers.
"They're already talking about me, Mark," she sighed, sitting forward and leaning her elbows on her knees. "Everyone - the nurses, the surgeons, even the fucking janitors. They're all watching me, watching us."
"Addison." Mark reached out for her fidgeting hands and covered them with his own. "So what if they're talking about us?"
Addison looked up at him incredulously. "So what? So what? Mark, we work in a hospital. Everyone knows our business, even some of our patients, because they've heard it from nurses. I'm trying to run a reputable practice here, and it's kind of hard to do so when all I hear is about how I'm such a whore for shacking up with you when my husband is gone."
"Addie, you are not a whore. Derek's the one that left us. Okay? They don't know what's going on with us; they don't know what we have."
"But that's just it, Mark. What do we have? Me, the cheating whore of a wife, who is staying with you because my husband, ex-husband, whatever, is God-knows-where, and we got tangled up in each other. I miss how it used to be, with the date nights and the flirting. Everything's just so complicated." She dropped her head into her hands and he sat in front of her, rubbing her forearms.
"Let's go away," he announced suddenly. "For the weekend, let's go away."
She looked up at him warily, "What?"
"I'm serious! Neither of us have to work this weekend, and I bet I can get us both Monday off, so let's go away. We can go up to Connecticut or something, my family has a log cabin up there that they hardly use. What do you say?"
Addison made a face at the words 'log cabin'. "There's running water, right? And toilets?"
Mark laughed. "Yes, Addiebug, there are toilets and running water."
Addison pondered it for a few more minutes before nodding slowly. "Okay. Let's go." Mark smiled back at her. "But you get to ask the Chief for Monday off." Mark chuckled again and kissed her forehead before walking out, on his way to talk to the Chief.
some things tie your life together,
slender threads and things to treasure,
days like that should last and last and last.
They had arrived at the cabin around midnight, driving up after work. Upon inspection, Addison had deemed it okay (albeit dusty), and they had started to unpack. Mark had considerably less to unpack - after all, Addison was a woman and a woman with excellent taste, at that - so he had left the bedroom earlier, and Addison could hear him puttering around in the other rooms.
She was arranging her shoes on the floor of the closet when she heard the floorboards squeak, and looked up to see Mark. He moved around her and pulled open a drawer, removing his khakis and button-down shirt and replacing them with flannel pajama bottoms and a soft grey t-shirt.
"You might want to get into something more comfortable, Add," he said, looking at her crouched in the closet, still dressed in a Dolce & Gabbana print dress and stockings.
"Why," she said, eyeing him warily. "Are we going hiking or something?"
He laughed. "At midnight, Adds? I don't think so. I just… have something planned and you might want to be more comfortable, that's all." Addison watched him leave and finished arranging her shoes before she tugged on a long-sleeved thermal shirt and pajama bottoms.
She pushed her suitcase under the bed to join Mark's and walked out into the hallway, heading for the living room. "Okay, Mark, I'm all changed, now what is this surprise -"
She stopped short as she turned the corner to the living room. The lights were off, but the room was lit by vanilla pillar candles on every surface. The room was very large and the floors, walls, and furniture were all made of wood. There was a large futon that Mark had pulled to the center of the room, which faced a big-screen TV. The coffee table had been pushed off to the side, but she saw that it held two glasses of wine and a stack of DVDs. On the other wall, there was a fire roaring in the fireplace. Her eyes began to tear up, and she hugged her arms around herself. "Oh, Mark," she whispered.
She felt arms wrap around her, covering her own and lacing her fingers with his. "Do you like it?" he asked quietly, and she nodded before turning in his arms and kissing him, two tears falling from her eyes and over her lips where he could taste the salt from them.
She finally pulled away and rested her forehead against his. "I love it, Mark."
"Good," he said, taking her hand and pulling her towards the futon. "Sit." She sat down and he handed her a blanket, which she took and spread out across her lap and next to her. "Now, we have a wide variety of movies here, of which you can take your pick."
Addison leaned forward, studying the movies. "Ooh, Star Wars Special Edition!" Her eyes lit up and she reached forward to grab the case, but Mark got it for her instead, not wanting her to spill the wine.
"Addison, you're so predictable."
"Mark, shut up," she mocked absentmindedly as she scanned the back of the box. "Are you going to put it in or not?" She looked up at him, unconsciously sticking out her bottom lip. He leaned down to kiss her quickly and peeled the box from her grip, opening it and putting it the disc into the player. He grabbed the remote and handed it to her before getting their glasses of wine and settling on the futon next to her. She took a few sips from her wine as they watched the movie and then snuggled up next to Mark, ballooning the blanket up so that when it fell, they were under it together. She nestled into his shoulder as his arm rested around her, and he let his hand drop to her knee.
She fell asleep halfway through the movie, and he carried her back to the bedroom, setting her on the bed and spooning in behind her. He kissed her cheek and covered them both with the blankets. She mumbled something that he couldn't hear, and he whispered into the night, "What's that, Add?"
"Said… thank you," she said sleepily. "You're the best." She snuggled back into him, closing every open space between the two and molding them together.
what do you mean i don't love you;
i'm standing here, aren't i?
The next morning, Addison woke to Mark watching her, his face propped up on a fisted hand. She smiled and leaned over to press her mouth against his, dropping her head into the crook of his shoulder after she did.
"What time is it?" she asked, her words muffled by the fabric of his t-shirt.
His free hand rubbed circles on her side, "Eleven."
She mumbled something else, and Mark just smiled and pulled her closer, laying a kiss on her neck. "I thought we could go outside… take a walk or something?"
He chuckled when Addison pulled her head back and cracked one eye open, looking at him in mock horror. "Outside? Why go outside when it's so nice and warm in here?" She smiled at him innocently, hoping that it would be enough to convince him to leave the Great Outdoors right where she thought it belonged - outdoors.
"Addie, come on," he said, sitting up and lifting her reluctantly with him. "It'll be good for us. Bright sunshine, fresh air…"
She grumbled and wiggled out of his grip, burrowing back under the covers.
"Addison!" Mark said loudly in the direction of the lump on the bed.
She poked her head out, "Mark, I don't do outside. Have you seen what kind of clothes I wear? Those kinds of clothes are not conducive to being outside."
He smiled and disappeared into the closet, rummaging around for a few minutes before returning with jeans, a long-sleeved thermal shirt, a fleece hoodie, socks, and sneakers. He held them up in front of him before tossing them on the bed, "Then it's a good thing I packed these, huh?"
Addison rolled her eyes, but she didn't protest when Mark whipped back the blankets and lifted her out of bed, depositing her next to the bathroom. She just gave him an evil look, grabbed the clothes, and went into the bathroom. Mark changed quickly and then sat on the bed reading a medical journal while she showered and got ready. An hour later, the door opened to reveal Addison clothed in what Mark gave her, her hair tied up in a ponytail and minimal make-up on.
She crossed over to stand in front of Mark, nervously tugging on the strings of her hoodie. She wasn't used to jeans and sweatshirts - outfits with brand-name labels were what she was most comfortable in, because she'd been wearing them for so long they were like a second skin to her, and she knew exactly how she looked in them (intimidating, powerful, and hot.) She felt anxious in these clothes, like she was back in junior high, trying to impress the popular boys.
Mark grabbed her hands and pressed them into his so that she would stop fidgeting. "You look beautiful, Addison." She scoffed at that and looked at her feet, but he touched her chin with a fingertip and she looked back up at him. "I mean it, Adds. I love when you're all casual and not wearing a lot of make-up." She smiled gently at him and he kissed her before rising to his feet. "Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah," she answered back, but her forehead creased. "But we're not… like, fishing or camping or something are we?"
He laughed and took her hand as they walked out the door, "No, I just thought we'd take a walk on one of the trails around here. I know one that ends up at a cliff, overlooking the lake."
She smiled and voiced her consent (still with slight hesitation, but she knew that Mark knew she didn't like outdoorsy things, and she trusted him), squeezing his hand as they walked through the woods. The leaves had already started changing color, and they were a beautiful backdrop as the two made their way down the path, Addison pointing out chipmunks and squirrels as they went.
"Addie, you're such a city girl," Mark said as she squealed over a yellow finch, admiring its brightly colored feathers. She punched his arm lightly but smiled up at him, the sun catching her hair and turning it gold.
They walked in silence for a while, the only sounds being those of the wildlife and the leaves crunching under their feet. The trees started getting thinner and Mark guided her off the trail a little bit, coming to stop when they reached the edge of the cliff.
It was absolutely beautiful - the rock face was a couple hundred feet tall, so they could see everything around them in a panoramic view. The lake sparkled silver and blue beneath them, and Addison could see geese floating lazily in one end, diving under the water by some cattails.
Her breath caught in her throat as she took the view in. She hadn't ever been in the outdoors much, simply because she grew up in the city and hadn't even ever seen forests (other than in Central Park, which didn't really count) until she started dating Derek. The New York skyline was her favorite view in the world, but this was simply breathtaking.
"It's gorgeous," she said quietly, not wanting to break the peacefulness of the moment. She felt Mark's arms slip around her waist and she leaned back into him, tucking her head beneath his chin.
The view reminded her of something, but she couldn't quiet place it until Mark whispered in her ear, "It's almost as gorgeous as you," and suddenly she knew.
The year before Derek left for Seattle, he'd taken her back to Vermont to visit his parents for the holidays and show her all the places he used to go as a kid. She'd thought it was a romantic thing to do, and so, despite her lack of enthusiasm for nature, she had agreed. They'd spent days wandering the neighborhoods Derek used to hang out in, eating food in his favorite restaurants and visiting with his parents until late.
The fifth day they spent there, he bundled her up and took her out into the forest, guiding her through snow drifts and over broken branches until they reached the top of a hill. He said it was the highest hill in three counties, and he stood behind her as they watched kids on the lake, ice-skating on the frozen surface. He had whispered those same words in her ear before they turned around, making their way back to the inn and heading straight for the bathroom, taking a hot shower together and spending the rest of the day in bed.
Addison shivered in Mark's arms and felt tears welling up in her eyes.
He rubbed her arms, "Are you cold?"
She didn't say anything, just looked down and nodded, trying to force the moment out of her head. She'd tried so hard to focus on Mark, and she did want to focus on him, but thoughts of Derek kept swirling uncontrollably in her brain.
He turned her around in his arms and saw the tracks of tears on her cheeks. "Addie? What's wrong?"
Addison was quiet for a little while before she lifted her face to look at Mark. "You don't love me, Mark."
Mark's face changed from concern to shock at her statement. He took a few steps back. "What do you mean, I don't love you? How can you even say that, Addison?" His tone of voice was harsh, and it made Addison cringe.
"Mark, you can't love me. I'm a horrible person. I drove my husband away, and I'm so messed up… what if things turn out with us like they did with Derek and I? You just can't, Mark. You can't love me." She was sobbing now, her shoulders shaking, and Mark moved back towards her, engulfing her in a tight hug.
"Addie, listen to me. You're not a horrible person. And things won't turn out like they did with you and Derek, I can promise you that. Because I'm in, Adds. I'm all in, and I won't ever leave you. Okay?"
He felt Addison nod against his chest and he pulled her even closer, kissing the top of her hair. He knew he would never leave her, and if she left, it would be like half of him leaving with her. He shook his head, clearing it of the thought. She'd never leave him.
N O V E M B E R
you do something to me that i can't explain.
"Wake up, sleepyhead," Mark whispered in her ear, his hands braced on either side of her as he leaned over her sleeping form.
Addison mumbled incoherently as she swatted his hand away.
"Addie," he said a little louder, kissing her cheek.
She mumbled again; this time he was able to make out what sounded like "go away."
Mark stood up and sighed, his hands on his hips. Addison was one of the foremost neonatal surgeons in the country, and she could survive on two hours' of sleep if she had to. But the moment she hit the bed knowing she had time off, it was nearly impossible to wake her. It was almost as if all the years of sleep deprivation were trying to catch up in one night’s rest.
He kneeled down next to the bed so that he was at her eye-level, careful not to bump the tray that sat on the table next to him. He watched her sleeping for a few minutes - she looked so peaceful and adorable, curled up on her side in his sheets with her hair mussed and one fist pressed into her cheekbone. He inched forward, keeping his breath light so that it didn't disturb her, and hovered over her face for a couple of seconds before kissing her soundly and firmly, pressing his tongue between her lips.
She moaned in her sleep, her free hand reaching up lazily and curving to fit the back of his neck. She shifted as he continued kissing her and snaked her tongue out to meet his. When she pulled away, she was breathing heavily.
Her eyelids fluttered open and she looked at him with darkened eyes. "Good morning," she said, smiling and biting her lip.
Mark smiled back at her, "Good morning, beautiful." He kissed her forehead before moving up to sit on the bed next to her hips, his fingers easily entwining with hers.
She started to yawn and quickly covered her mouth, looking up at him sheepishly.
Mark felt his heart swell. Even the littlest things she did, her little quirks and mannerisms, made him fall even more in love with her. He bent down until their faces were inches apart, his hand next to her head on the pillow. "You're adorable, you know that right?" He murmured against her lips before kissing her.
"I've been told that before," she said, grinning. She kissed him again, quickly, before sitting up and pulling her knees up in front of her. She rubbed her arms. "So, to what do I owe this lovely morning greeting?"
Mark's face grew more serious at her question. "It's a month, Add."
Addison opened her mouth to ask a month, what? but then she realized. "Our one-month anniversary," she breathed out. Mark nodded and his glance flitted to the side, and her eyes followed his.
Sitting on the table next to the bed was a wooden tray, a large platter in the center with three pitchers above that and a stack of cups next to it, and on the left, a single red long-stemmed rose in a beautiful glass vase. Mark picked up the tray and held it in front of him so that Addison could see what was on it.
He gestured to the platter, "Now, here we have pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream, which, as I remember, are your favorite." He paused and she smiled and nodded, waiting for him to continue. "I also made bacon - crisp, but not burned. Scrambled eggs with cheese, sausage for me, and some potato wedges. Oh, and in the pitchers are coffee, water, and orange juice." He finished and smiled shyly at her. He had never made such a big deal out of a one-month anniversary in his life, and he probably wouldn't ever again. But Addison was different; she made him do things that he wouldn't normally even think of.
"Breakfast in bed," Addison said, not phrasing it as a question but more as a phrase that sounded so foreign on her tongue, she needed to say it loud to make it real. The only time she could ever remember Derek bringing her breakfast in bed was on their honeymoon, and that was only because the tray was already set up and delivered as room service.
Addison took the tray from Mark, guiding it back onto the table and taking his hands in her own. "I love it, Mark. It's perfect." She leaned forward and kissed him, her body pressing into his. The kiss quickly grew heated as their hands started roaming.
"Addison," Mark said in between kisses. "Addison!" He took her shoulders and gently pushed her back so he could look at her. "The food," he reminded her.
She smiled, kissing him quickly, "The food can wait."
He smiled in return and pulled her to him, her legs tangling in his as he pushed her back onto the bed.
i'll sing it one last time for you
then we really have to go
you've been the only thing that's right
in all i've done.
Addison propped the hardcover book up in front of her, tilting it towards her so that it avoided the glare of the light. "Okay. First, defrost the turkey." She looked up to see Mark standing next to the counter with a red-and-white checkered apron on, peering at a large tan mass.
"Done," he said, looking up to meet her amused gaze. "Addison, come on. You've never cooked a turkey; I've never cooked a turkey. And I don't think Savvy and Weiss will appreciate take-out, so come on."
"Okay, okay," Addison said, giggling behind the book. They had decided to host Thanksgiving at Mark's apartment, and he was determined to make a Thanksgiving feast the real way. Never mind the fact that he had never actually made a Thanksgiving feast before, he was going to do it (with her help, of course.) He had dragged her along to the bookstore to look for a how-to guide, and had finally settled on Betty Crocker's Complete Thanksgiving Cookbook, which happened to be the book Addison was currently reading out of. She thought it was cute that he wanted to try so hard to impress her friends, especially since he didn't know the first thing to do. Being surgeons and in-demand ones at that, they ate most of their meals at the hospital cafeteria or at fancy restaurants. On the off-chance that they were both home together for a meal, they just ordered pizza or Chinese take-out.
She giggled again as Mark poked at the bird lying on the counter, and took a sip of her coffee. He had hauled her out of bed at six AM, shouting about how the turkey had to be de-frosted in time for them to baste it and stuff it and a variety of other words that Addison let fly over her head.
"Next, remove the insides of the turkey from the body cavity and drain the juices," Addison read dutifully, watching as Mark eyed the turkey, planning his next move. "Wouldn't this more be along the lines of something I would do?" Addison asked, smirking to herself at her own joke.
Mark, however, didn't think it was so funny and gave her a glare. "Ha, ha, very funny." He threw another frustrated look her way and focused back on the turkey, picking up the butcher knife in his hand. He examined the turkey from different angles, bending down and turning the bird, trying to figure out which would be the best way to cut into it.
Addison watched him, biting her lip to keep from laughing. "Only a surgeon," she said to herself before setting down the book and sliding off her stool. She walked around the counter and stood behind him, wrapping her arms around him and resting her chin on his shoulder. "Babe, we don't have to cook a real dinner."
Mark nodded and tried to shrug her off, still focused on the turkey. Addison sighed and put her hands on her hips as she watched him. Once he got into something, he really got into it. She took his arm and spun him around so that he was facing her, a puzzled look on his face.
"What, Adds?"
"Mark, we're not making a Thanksgiving feast. This is what they have restaurants for." He rolled his eyes. "I'm calling Le Berge and ordering food." She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek before turning around and walking into the living room, swiping the portable phone from the table on her way out.
Mark sighed and looked at the turkey again before pulling out the trash and dumping it in. "Damn bird," he mumbled to himself before following Addison into the living room, where she was just hanging up the phone.
"Okay, I called," she said, standing up and walking towards him. "They're going to deliver the food at two, which is perfect because Savvy and Weiss are coming over at three. We can just put the food in the oven until they get here."
He nodded and reached out for her hips, pulling her closer to him. "Well, it's…" he paused as he checked his watch, "Eleven-thirty right now. What do you suggest we do until then?" He tapped her on the nose gently and hooked his thumb into one of the loops on her jeans, pulling her closer.
"Well, besides setting the table, getting dressed, and picking up the apartment," she paused and smiled up at him. "I can't think of anything."
He laughed and kissed the corner of her mouth as she smiled devilishly. He pulled back and was startled to see her looking down, and no longer smiling.
"Adds? What's wrong?" He angled his upper body away from hers so that he could see her face better.
She looked up and he saw that her eyes were shining. "I just… this is the best Thanksgiving I can remember having in a really, really long time. And it's all because of you."
He pulled her closer, engulfing her in a hug. Her head fit perfectly in the space between his head and shoulder, and he kissed her hair.
After a few minutes, she pulled away and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "Thank you, Mark. For everything."
"You're welcome, Addie," he said, looking down at her as she brushed away her tears. He pulled her back into a hug and they stood there for a long while, thinking about how grateful they were to have each other to hang onto.
but if i take my heart's advice
i should assume it's still unsteady
i'm in repair
i'm not together, but i'm getting there.
Mark opened the door to the apartment and immediately knew something was wrong. Addison's black stilettos were lying haphazardly in the hall, something she would never do unless she was really upset, and the air was thick with silence. He had had a late surgery, and had left a note for Addison in her locker, along with a blueberry scone (her favorite), saying that he was going to be late coming home. Things were different with her and Mark than with her and Derek - Mark always left notes if he was going to be late, and if he could, he would stop by just to remind her again and give her a quick kiss. The only way Addison knew that Derek was staying late was when she was sitting at the table, surrounded by cold food, and he called after his surgery was over.
He called out her name and she heard him, but she couldn't find the breath to answer. His footsteps echoed on the hardwood floors and he turned to the bedroom, gently pushing open the door and wincing at the quiet creak of the door's hinges.
"Adds?" he asked, opening the door further and revealing his messy bed, a large lump underneath and only her flame-colored hair visible against his stark white pillowcase.
He crossed the room and sat down on the bed, pulling the duvet cover back and revealing Addison - snuggled under the covers in one of Derek's old shirts and her panties, her hair damp and uncombed, and her eyes red-rimmed.
"Addie," he said, reaching up and brushing some stray strands away from her face, "What happened?"
"I -" she started, and then hiccupped. She took a few more deep breaths and swallowed, and then she looked up at him, seeing his forehead bunched and his eyes full of concern. "I went to the brownstone today, to get some of my other clothes. And while I was there, the mailman came." She started crying again and Mark put his hand on her face, stroking it and urging her to continue. "He left that outside our door." She gestured to a brown box in the corner, and Mark craned his neck to read it. Mr. and Mrs. Derek Shepherd. "They're the new sheets I ordered, Mark. I ordered them months ago, and they were on back-order, but I got them anyway because they're flannel. His favorite."
Mark sat back on the bed and his hand found hers, tangling them together. "Adds," he said, his voice calm and sympathetic.
"He's gone, Mark," she whispered quietly as tears continued to roll down her cheeks. "He's probably never coming back, and I just… He's gone."
He watched as she squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on her breathing while tears still leaked out the corners. He wiped away each and every one before he stood up, took off his jacket and shoes, and slid in behind her, his chest to her back. He wrapped his arm around her waist snugly and kissed her neck as the tears slowly ebbed.
"It's okay, Addiebug," he whispered in her ear, rubbing slow circles on her back.
She pushed herself even further back into his chest and felt his arm instinctively tighten around her as she did so. She lay there in his arms until her tears had stopped and she was reduced to sniffles and red eyes.
"Thank you," she said, turning around in his arms so that their faces were inches apart. "This was silly, I shouldn't have made you see me like this. I'm sorry." The corners of her mouth tilt up in a sheepish grin as she looks down at her fingers tracing circles on his chest.
"Addison," he said, moving his hand from her waist to her chin, tilting it up so they were looking in each others' eyes. "You don't have to apologize. It's only been two months; it's okay that you still remember and get upset."
"I know," she said, exhaling loudly. "I really am trying."
"I know," he said, mirroring her response and feeling a smile tug at his lips. They watched each other for a few seconds, the only motion being that of their hands on each others' bodies. Mark opened his mouth but shut it again, pressing his lips together.
Addison tilted her head and looked curiously at him. "What?"
He opened his mouth again and took a shaky breath. "I love you, Addison."
The room was filled with silence for a few minutes as Addison blinked at him, not saying anything.
"Okay, Adds, this would be the time to say something," he said, half-joking.
"I can't, Mark," she said, barely above a whisper. "I just… can't. I know I've said that a lot, but I'm sorry. And you know I have feelings for you, but -"
"It's okay, Add. You don't have to say anything back, okay?"
"Mark -"
"No, I swear. I know this is hard for you, and I understand that. It's hard for me, too. But I wanted you to know that, because sometimes I think you forget that I do love you. You mean everything to me, Addison. And if you can't say it yet, that's okay. I'll wait."
Addison's eyes were filled with tears again by the time Mark was finished. She leaned over and kissed him, breathing a thank-you against his lips before kissing him again, her hands tangled in his.
Part Two: December - March