(no subject)
D E C E M B E R
follow me through a city of frost-covered angels
i swear i have nothing to prove
i just want to dance in your tangles
to give me some reason to move.
Mark opened the door to the brownstone, a gust of wind and whirling snow following behind him. He set down the brown bag of groceries he was carrying and shrugged out of his snow-covered coat, smelling the inviting cinnamon and evergreen that was present in the air. He left his shoes on the mat and padded down the hall, following the sound of Bing Crosby's voice to the living room, where Addison was standing with her back to him, studying the mantle. He noticed that she had drug the Christmas tree up from the basement, along with the boxes of ornaments, and it sparkled brightly. She had strung four stockings along the mantle (one for her, one for him, two for decoration), along with strings of white and red shiny beads. She was currently standing in front of it, one hand on a hip and a glass figurine in the other, trying to determine where to place it.
He snuck up quietly behind her and she jumped when he wrapped his arms around her middle, kissing her neck.
"Hey," she said, turning in his arms and smiling at him. "I didn't hear you come in."
He kissed her lightly on the lips, "The living room looks great, Adds."
She nodded and blushed slightly in return, and she squirmed out of his arms to place the figurine in the center of the mantle. "Perfect."
They stood in the living room for a few minutes, admiring her work, before she turned around in his arms and asked excitedly, "Can we go to Central Park?"
He made a face, "Add… I don't know. It's really cold out there."
She rolled her eyes. "Mark. It's the first major blizzard of the year. Of course it's cold." She clapped her hands together and he couldn't help but smile at her acting like a little kid. "But, come on! It'll be fun. Please," she said, sticking her lower lip out and cocking her head.
He sighed and relented, "Fine, get your jacket." She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him lightly, scurrying away to get her jacket. He waited by the front door until she re-appeared, clad in a cream-colored fuzzy hat and matching scarf, and her dark blue wool peacoat. He held open the door for her and they exited out into the swirling white.
She grasped his hand tightly as they crossed the street, and they entered the park, walking a little ways until they came to a bridge set over the small pond. She tugged him over it, their hands still entwined and freezing, and on the other side, she stopped and watched the flutter of birds flying around. She watched in awe as a female cardinal circled the air above her and landed on top of her hat. She giggled and the bird flew off, but not before it pecked her gently, looking for food. Mark tapped her pink nose and kissed her cheek, wrapping his arm around her waist and leading her on.
They continued walking through the park and the snowfall got lighter until big snowflakes were drifting lazily down from the sky, sticking in Addison's exposed hair. She let go of Mark's hand to walk along the edge of a low stone wall, her hands held out for balance. When she jumped down, she noticed that Mark was distracted by something else in the park, and she quietly stooped down until her hands were touching snow. She gathered the flakes and turned them over in her palms, molding and squeezing and packing until she had a fairly large, round snowball. She waited until Mark's back was fully turned to her and she launched it at him, hitting him directly in the back.
"Hey!" he cried in protest as the flakes cascaded down the back of his jacket. "Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd. You are so going to pay for that." He bent down and began packing his own snowball as Addison giggled and started on a larger ball. He finished first and she got hit in the shoulder with a large chunk of ice, sending her sprawling backwards.
She got up with her mouth open in mock anger and hurled hers at him, missing him when he ducked and pounced on her, pinning her to the ground. She giggled and writhed beneath him as he kissed her, before he smashed some more snow in her face. She pushed him off and they continued their snowball fight for an hour before venturing back across the street, their hands frozen and their cheeks flushed from excitement.
watch you spin around in your highest heels
you are the best one of the best ones
and we all look like we feel.
Mark stood in the corner of the Forest ballroom of the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, a champagne flute in his hand and golden lights flickering in his eyes. One of the pediatric surgeons, Dr. Panari, had been standing next to him for about a half an hour, talking about a case he'd read about, something about Africa and cleft palates. Mark had nodded along politely and asked questions when appropriate, but his attention was elsewhere. His eyes had been fixed on a person halfway across the room - a person in a midnight blue satin baby-doll cut dress, one that accented her every curve and dipped low enough to provide the males in the room with a gratuitous view of cleavage, and silver strappy stilettos. Her hair was down and curled at the ends, and she was wearing diamond earrings and a matching diamond and gold bracelet, which sparkled under the delicate lighting in the room.
He was entranced as he watched her talk to the other neonatal surgeon on staff, her hand resting lightly on her stomach as she giggled at something that was said. He smiled, set down his glass, and turned to his company, "If you'll excuse me, Tom. There's someone I need to see."
He crossed the room, his eyes fixed on Addison as he weaved his way through the crowd of doctors. He had been to his fair share of holiday parties, but this definitely surpassed them all. This wasn't the usual party that was centered mostly around the open bar, the liqueur flowing into the early hours of the night until the remaining party-goers returned to their apartments to chew some aspirin and fall into bed for a few hours before their shifts started. This party was much more elegant and classy - gold Christmas lights were strung from the ceiling and draped around the walls, acting as the only light source and turning the atmosphere more magical. There were tables off to the sides, draped with cream-colored linens, crystal glasses, and tapered candles. Vases of red poinsettias were scattered throughout the room, and there was a pianist playing quiet classical music in the background.
Mark nodded greetings and said quick hellos to the co-workers he passed, not stopping to participate in the conversations going on within their small groups. He walked up behind Addison, standing as close as was appropriate, and put his hand on the small of her back and a kiss on her shoulder. She jumped a little in his arms and turned around with a large smile on her face, kissing him softly before excusing herself from who she was talking to and turning to fully face Mark, her hand resting on his upper arm and the other holding a martini glass.
"Hey," she said, her smile growing impossibly wider as she looked up at him, his arm looped around her waist and pulling her close to him.
"Hi," he said, kissing her temple. "Having fun?"
Addison nodded and took a sip of her martini. "Yeah, I guess. I mean, you know how these things are." She'd been to more of these functions than she could count, and they were always the same - hi, how are you, how are the kids/boyfriend/husband, and concluding with a rehashing of the most recent prestigious or exciting surgery you'd performed and/or witnessed. She sighed and leaned against Mark's arm, watching the other groups of doctors converse.
She shivered when she felt Mark's hot breath on her neck, "Did I mention how hot you look tonight?"
"Maybe once or twice," she said, giggling.
He showered kisses up her neck, stopping to lick at a spot he knew drove her crazy. She moaned softly and he smirked against her skin. "Well, I mean it." He took her earlobe in his mouth and bit down on it gently, which earned another moan from Addison.
She turned into him and pulled him back a few feet so that her back was resting against the wall. She hooked a high-heel clad foot behind his calf and pulled him even closer so that she could kiss him, her tongue tangling with his as his hands slid down to cup her ass.
The kiss lasted longer than was necessary, and when they pulled away, they rested their foreheads together. Mark opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by a murmur among the crowd that quickly gave way to a countdown.
"5…" Mark kissed the side of Addison's mouth, "4…" Addison traced the curve of his jawbone, "3…" He pulled her away from the wall and rested his hands on her hips, "2…" Her hands found their way around his neck and she leaned closer.
Two seconds later, the crowd erupted as the clock struck midnight, and the couple smiled at each other before meeting in a kiss, chaste at first but growing increasingly passionate as balloons and streamers fell around them.
"Happy New Years', Addie," Mark said in her ear after they had pulled away. She smiled at him and kissed him again, laughing as a streamer tickled its way down her back. She poked at a balloon in the air, letting it bounce back up and fall again as she threw her arms around Mark's neck. He lifted her up and twirled her around, smiling at the piece of confetti that got caught on the tip of her nose.
J A N U A R Y
i've been wondering what you're thinking
and if you like my dress tonight
would you still say you love me
under this ordinary moonlight?
Mark held the door open as Addison passed through, still laughing and smiling. The cold night air hit them suddenly, and she pulled her coat tightly around her, re-tying the belt and stuffing her hands in her pockets. Mark dipped his hand in her right pocket, finding and clasping her hand as they walked down the sidewalk, her heels clicking in the night.
They reached the corner and Addison lifted her arm to hail a cab, but Mark pulled it back down and guided her to the right, down East 49th Street. She walked with him, but turned her head to give him a questioning look.
"Mark? Is there a reason we aren't hailing a cab, but walking through New York City at 1 AM?" He smiled back at her and kissed her cheek, not saying anything. They continued walking in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, before he guided her between two very tall buildings. She knew where they were going now; it was a place she had visited as a child with remarkable frequency. When she was little, she had taken ice skating lessons and dreamed of being the next Olympic champion, but her mother made her give it up when she was eight. Addison was heartbroken but her mother said that she needed to focus more on her studies; ice skating wasn't going to make her the best surgeon in the country. She had still come after she had had to quit lessons, just to watch the ice skaters at Rockefeller Center spinning and twirling with ease and grace.
She had told this to Mark once, when they were in college, and he'd laughed until she'd smacked his arm, and then he had gotten quiet. They had lain on their backs with their forearms touching, and he told her how he had dreamed of playing hockey. He had tried out, even, and made the team, but his mother wouldn't let him join, citing that broken teeth and mangled fingers did not a surgeon make.
It was the first night they had talked all night, about everything and nothing, and it was the first time she had felt closer to Mark than she had to Derek. But it was so long ago, and surely he couldn't have remembered. Rockefeller Center was just beautiful at night, and a fitting place to go on New Years', with the giant trees still lined up and decorated behind them.
Mark pulled her along and up to the railing, standing behind her as she grasped the metal beneath her frozen fingers. There weren't any skaters on the rink at this time of night, but just being there made her heart warm. She watched the water gush up underneath the golden statue and the flags flap in the air. Her breath billowed out in clouds in front of her, and she pulled Mark's arms tighter around her.
She tilted her head back to kiss him, letting her tongue slide over his briefly before she pulled back. "Thank you, Mark. Tonight was perfect."
He smiled at her, kissing the tip of her nose. "It was, wasn't it?" He pulled her closer to him and tucked his chin into the space between her neck and shoulder.
"It was," she agreed quietly before whispering, "Happy New Years'" into the night, leaning back into Mark, letting the night and the lights soak into her until her body felt heavy with satisfaction.
there is nothing in the world
that i ever wanted more
than to feel you deep in my heart.
They sat in the corner of a quiet café, Addison drinking tea and Mark drinking coffee. An uneaten scone sat on the table between them, and Mark was fingering the edges of the table as he listened to Addison.
"So then, this intern comes up to me and asks if I'm the hot attending in OB/GYN. And of course, Sanders is standing behind him, trying not to laugh, which totally doesn't help the situation." She pauses and breathes out sharply. "I know Sanders put him up to it, because he's always had a crush on me, but this whole prank thing is getting kind of ridiculous. Just because he didn't want to be assigned to my service doesn't mean he has to be an ass about it." Addison sighed and took a drink of her tea, trying to steady her breath after her rant. She looked over the rim of the cup at Mark, who was smiling at her.
"What is so funny?" she demanded, but he just started laughing harder. "Mark!" She slapped his arm, but he kept laughing, his eyes glinting in the dim light. She felt a giggle rising up in her and bit the inside of her cheek to suppress it, but it didn't last long as a tear rolled down Mark's cheek from laughing so hard.
They could see the other customers giving them odd glances, but they just couldn't stop laughing. Finally, Mark took a breath and tried to stop, reducing himself to intermittent chuckles. "God, Addison," he said as he tried to concentrate on breathing steadily, while Addison was still smirking at him.
"Okay, okay, so it was a little funny," she admitted, sending Mark into a fit of laughter again. "But not that funny! I'm trying to be a professional here; to do my job."
"I know, Adds," Mark said, trying to be serious. "But it is a little cute… I mean, Sanders has a crush on you!"
Addison rolled her eyes. "He's an intern, Mark. And I'm an attending. Even if there were a parallel universe in which that was okay, I still wouldn't go after him."
"Hey, I had a crush on you when we were interns."
"Okay, that's different." Addison pulled the plate closer to her and broke off a piece of scone. "And it's not true, anyway."
"No, it is. I swear."
Addison scoffed before she looked up at Mark's face, seeing he was telling the truth. "Seriously?" She asked, astonished.
"Yeah," he said with a shrug, as if to make it non-committal and casual, when the topic was anything but. "I've always had a crush on you, ever since our first day of Anatomy and Physiology, when you sat next to me and refused to give me a pencil." They both laughed, remembering how Addison had chided him for not showing up "properly prepared," and how she told him that he would never be a good surgeon if he couldn't even remember to bring a writing utensil.
Their laughter died down, and he looked at her with his head tilted to the side. "You always were quite the firecracker, Adds."
Addison blushed and looked down, aware of how easily this conversation could veer into dangerous territory. "We should get back," she said, picking up her tea and tossing the remainder of the half-eaten scone into the trash.
"Yeah," Mark echoed, feeling foolish at his sudden admission. Apparently, he had a knack for saying the right thing at the wrong time, and this was just another example. He stood up next to her and guided her out the door with his hand on the small of her back, unable to see the small grin that was still present on her face.
F E B R U A R Y
i watched the world being reborn until one a.m.
so i thought i'd let you know
it was beautiful, slow dancing to tunes of billie holiday
the city looked wonderful that way.
Addison unlocked the door to her office at the hospital and was immediately hit with the smell of baked goods. She walked over to her desk and set her things down on the chair, curiously eyeing the large white box in the middle of the mahogany wood. She opened it carefully, peering inside to see a note set on an assortment of muffins, danishes, and scones. She dipped her finger into the blueberry filling of one and lifted out the note with the other hand, slipping her fingers inside the crease and opening it.
A -
A good day always starts with a good breakfast.
- M.
She smiled as she reached around the box and took a sip of the extra-large coffee that was also waiting for her. It may have seemed like a lackluster gift to many, but it touched Addison. She had never been good at remembering to eat; even during her internship, she would go a whole day without eating more than a bagel and an endless supply of caffeine. It wasn't that she was watching her weight, but instead, that she was simply too busy. Her pager constantly went off (after all, babies wait for no man), and she was so dedicated to her work that taking time to sit down and do something as mundane as eating was out of the question. She always promised Derek, and now Mark, that she would take the time to eat better when they chided her about it, but it had never happened.
She mulled over the delicious selection of pastries before choosing a chocolate-chip scone. She stacked it, along with a napkin, on top of the chart she needed for her first consultation, and picked up the coffee with her other hand, exiting the room.
She had made it through her first three consultations before anything else happened. She was filling out a chart at the nurses' station when one of her interns, Becky Farber, approached her.
"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?" The intern asked carefully. Addison cringed at the sound of her last name, as she always did these days. Every time someone said her name, it was just a reminder of everything she had been and had, and everything she was now and had lost.
"Yes, Farber?" Addison didn't look up from the paperwork she was looking over.
"Um," the intern faltered. She'd always been shy, but Addison really enjoyed her and thought she had a special knack for neonatal medicine, so she bit down the nasty correction that bubbled to her throat. "Someone asked me to give this you."
Addison turned and saw that her intern was holding another large white box with two smaller boxes stacked on the top, and colored ribbon wrapped around it, curls of it spilling over the sides. She accepted the box and balanced it on the counter while she signed off on the chart and handed it to the nurse. She carried the box to the nearest on-call room and sat on the bed, eager to open it. She slid a fingernail under the edge of the ribbon and pulled it free from the boxes, pulling off the smaller two boxes and setting them aside. She lifted the top of the biggest box and gasped. Inside was a light blue sleeveless dress, cut to a v in the front and a deeper one in the back, with beading along the empire waist. The top portion of the dress was fitted and satin, while the bottom part was a lighter gauzy material that flared out at the bottom, just below her knees. She fingered the dress, wondering when Mark had had the time to pick this out. She knew he'd been busy lately, and she hadn't expected anything from him today, but she should have known better.
She quickly unwrapped the other two boxes; one contained a pair of light gold stilettos, and the other a single long-stemmed red rose, with another note.
A -
Wear this tonight.
My apartment, nine PM.
Knock twice before you come in.
- M
She frowned slightly at the cryptic nature of the note, but there was no question that she would do as asked. She was curious to see what Mark had planned, especially since he had been scheduled to get out at nine. She knew he must have rearranged his schedule and checked hers, seeing that she was off duty at seven and knowing that would be enough time for her to get ready and get to his apartment in time.
She plucked the rose from the last box and held it to her nose, inhaling the flower's sweet smell. She piled the boxes back on top of each other and made her way back to her office, grabbing a make-shift vase on the way and filling it up from a water fountain outside her door.
The rest of her day was fairly uneventful, besides the vase of eleven long-stemmed roses that was delivered to her around one. She hadn't seen Mark all day, but little things had been turning up everywhere. She went to the locker room halfway through the day and was greeted with a white box containing a fresh new pair of salmon-colored scrubs. When she went to the cafeteria to get some lunch, Betty, the cafeteria worker, had stopped her from buying what she had selected and instead brought out something that "had been dropped off" - iced tea and a sandwich from her favorite deli.
By the time seven o'clock had rolled around, she was anxious to get to Mark's and see what he had planned for her. She hurried to her office, closing the door and shutting the blinds before changing into the dress and shoes. She re-applied her makeup carefully in the dim light of her desk lamp, adding a little extra mascara and lip gloss for Mark's benefit. She let down her hair and, using a curling icon pilfered from one of her interns, curled it into soft waves.
She checked the clock on her laptop when she was done - it was just after eight. She gathered her belongings and made her way back to the locker room, returning the curling iron and giving herself a one-over in the mirror. She fidgeted with the dress, tugging and pulling until it was in the perfect position, and exited the room. She ignored the gaping stares she got as she walked through the hospital halls to the exit, and opened the doors to cold night air. She tugged her wool coat closer to her and hailed a cab, remembering at the last moment that her BMW was in for its annual check-up. She reached his apartment with five minutes to spare and made her way up the steps, hesitating slightly before raising her fist and knocking twice.
No one answered so she turned the handle slightly, and, seeing the door was unlocked, let herself in. The apartment was dark. She flicked on the lamp that was sitting on the side-table and drew in her breath as she looked down to see rose petals piled around her feet and leading down the hall. She quickly shed her coat and purse by the door, and followed the petals to where they stopped at the French doors that led to the living room. They were slightly ajar so she pushed them open quietly, and her eyes went wide at what she saw.
Like at the cabin, every surface was covered in candles. This time, though, they were shades of red, decorating all the tabletops and grouped on the floor. The hardwood floor was covered in rose petals; red and white and pink ones that made the room smell heavenly. Soft, slow jazz music played quietly from the entertainment center, and there was a fire lit in the fireplace, only adding to the glow of the candles. In the middle of the floor sat a white box, just like all the others that she had received that day.
She moved further into the room, her heels clicking on the wooden surface, and bent down to retrieve the box. It was medium-sized, with a sparkly red bow on top. She slid the top off easily, and rummaged through the tissue paper until her hand hit something hard. She lifted it out and let the box fall to the floor at her feet. She held a square wooden box, the top carved intricately in patterns and swirls. She unlatched the top and opened it, and immediately the tinkling of music filled the room. Inside the box was a figure skater, adorned in a fancy costume and ice skates, twirling on a pedestal in mid-spin. Her eyes welled up as she watched the skater turn loops and loops as the music continued to play. He had remembered.
"I remember everything you say, Addie," a voice said quietly behind her, and she whirled to find Mark leaning against the wall next to the doors. She opened her mouth to speak but couldn't find any words to say. He raised himself from the wall and closed the gap between them, kissing her softly. "You look beautiful."
"This means so much to me, Mark," she said softly as she kissed him again and then drew her hands around his shoulders, bringing him close and hugging him tightly. When she pulled away, Mark's hands looped around her wrists and she moved to set the music box delicately on the closest table.
She returned to him, her arms resting lightly on his waist and he kissed her, murmuring against her mouth, "Dance with me?"
She nodded against him, and they began to sway in time to the music. Her hand found his in mid-air and she settled her other hand on his shoulder as his rested on her waist. They moved back and forth to the beat of the music, finding an easy rhythm, and she closed her eyes as the blissful feeling engulfed her, pressing her temple to his.
The song ended and they found themselves still leaning against each other in the middle of the living room, the candles flickering shadows across their faces. She pulled back slightly to look him in the eyes, and was slightly surprised to found how intense they were. She leaned forward to kiss him softly, then she hesitantly pulled back, resting her forehead against his.
He bridged the gap between them and kissed her again, his tongue tracing her bottom lip before she parted them and her tongue reached out to touch his. His arms made slow circles up and down her bare arms as hers fingered the buttons of his dress shirt. They kissed slowly and passionately, taking time to explore every inch of each other before moving on.
Mark's fingers rested on her shoulder blades, the muscles rippling under his touch as she pushed each button through its hole and guided it off his arms. His mouth trailed kisses down her jaw before suckling at the spot where her jaw met her neck and nipping lightly at her earlobe.
Her hands dipped below the waistband of his pants and tugged, pulling him even closer to her. She traced the top of his hipbone and he groaned against her neck. His fingers found the zipper of her dress and he slowly tugged it down, the straps falling off her shoulders and the rest of the dress following as the zipper became completely undone, leaving her standing in her red satin underwear, chosen particularly for this day.
He cupped her breasts in his palms, running his thumb over her nipple before following it with his tongue. Her back arched into him, pressing their bodies and naked skin together. He swirled around her nipple, biting down on it gently, while his hand massaged the other. His free hand found the straps of her underwear and dipped below it, playing with the bands.
She moaned into his collarbone as he alternated sucking and rubbing and biting her nipples. Her hands quickly undid the clasp of his belt and she tugged his pants down. He stepped out of them and gently guided her down to the floor, the rose petals feeling smooth and silky against her bare skin. He hovered over her, his tongue tracing paths down her stomach, before he hooked his fingers in the side of her underwear and pulled them off.
He kissed up each leg, starting at the ankle and ending at the spot where her thigh met the rest of her body, leaving wet kisses there. He breathed over her clit and dipped his tongue into her, bracing her with his hand when she arched up off the floor. He traced figure-eights around her clit with his tongue as he inserted two fingers into her, curling them up as they left her body. She grabbed at his hair and tangled her fingers in it, urging him on.
He continued until he could feel her getting close to the edge, and then he pulled back, sidling his body back up to cover hers, every bit of their bodies touching. She wrenched open her eyes and glared at him for stopping when he did, but he kissed her nose and laughed slightly as she pulled him down for another kiss, her tongue finding his easily.
When she broke away, he kissed her again softly as he pressed forward, entering her. Their bodies both tensed before relaxing into each other, and she quickly adjusted to the feeling. After a few moments, he began moving on top of her; slow and soft, with deep thrusts that seemed to hit every nerve in her body.
She hooked her leg around his waist and lifted her hips to meet his, joining their bodies even further. He shifted above her, and the new angle was enough to make both of them moan. He started to speed up and she snaked her hand between them, but it was batted away. She tried again, only for him to take both of her wrists in his one hand and pin them above her head. She protested but his thumb found her clit between their bodies, and her protest was turned into a whimper at the touch. He rubbed her clit slowly, a contrast to the fast thrusts, and soon she was clenching around him and he had buried his head into her neck, biting there and following it with wet kisses. Her orgasm started to take over, her muscles spasming around him inside of her, and with one final thrust, he let go and came within her. He lifted his head and kissed her sloppily as he did, mostly tongues, and he felt her muscles involuntarily tightening around him more, bringing both of their orgasms to their peaks.
He collapsed on top of her, kissing along her shoulder and neck as she traced her fingers up and down his back. He finally pulled out of her and lay on his side next to her, his fingers curling around her waist and pulling her to him. His eyes started drifting shut and he gave her one more kiss before he dozed off, leaving her awake and satisfied in his arms.
She looked around the room at the candles and the music box, and her dress lying on the floor, and she felt her eyes glisten with tears. For once in her life, she felt truly happy, and it was Mark that was making her truly happy.
That scared her more than anything.
please believe that i tried my best to forget you
but the memories kept flooding back like tears.
Addison woke up with a start, the sheet falling around her waist as she sat in the bed, breathing heavily. Sweat was pooled on her forehead and she wiped it off before delicately getting out of bed and slipping into the bathroom. She splashed her face with cold water and took a long drink before lifting the covers and sliding back in.
"Hey, are you okay?" She was startled by Mark's voice, but she nodded.
"Yeah, I’m okay."
"Addison… that was the third night in a row you've woken up sweaty. Are you sure you're alright?" She could hear the genuine concern in Mark's voice and she sighed to herself.
"I'm fine, okay?" She snapped, shutting her eyes and shifting towards her side of the bed; the side farthest from Mark.
She heard him take a deep, angry sigh, and she blinked back the tears in her eyes before closing them and attempting to get back to sleep.
The truth was, she wasn't fine. For about a week, she had been dreaming of Derek every night. At first, they were snippets of memories - their marriage day, when they moved into the brownstone, their college graduation. But they had been growing more intense and more personal, turning into fights they had had and sometimes, the make-up sex that had followed them.
Tonight, it had been of the day he left. His voice rang in her ears, "We're not Derek and Addison anymore," and she had woken up when he had slammed the door.
She had been thinking about him a lot lately - how he was, where he was. She didn't even know where her husband was, for God's sake. She thought he might be in Chicago; he had a friend from med school that worked in a hospital there, but she couldn't remember the friend's name and had no way of contacting him.
Either way, she definitely couldn't tell Mark about her dreams. He would panic and get upset, and that was the last thing she needed. So she waited until he was asleep and cuddled back towards him, lifting his arm and resting it around her waist before she fell into a restless, dream-filled sleep.
too much silence can be misleading
you're drifting, i can hear it in the way that you're breathing.
Addison giggled as she felt Mark's hand brush her side under the sheets. They hadn't gotten home from the hospital until late that morning, and it was now nearing noon. Neither of them had moved from their warm cocoon of blankets except to go to the bathroom, quickly returning and cuddling back down.
When Mark returned from the bathroom for the second time, he saw that Addison was lying on her back, fingering her wedding rings.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked, sliding into bed next to her and propping himself up on his elbow.
"Our wedding," she answered absentmindedly. "Do you remember how you got really drunk, and then felt up my bridesmaid? She kicked you in the shin with her stilettos and you ended up outside, puking."
He chuckled to himself, remembering (well, remembering what he could) of the night.
"Why?" she asked suddenly, turning herself to face him. "Why did you do that to Adriane?"
"Wh-Why? What? Addison, what do you mean why?" he sputtered, not sure what she was hinting at.
"If you loved me so much, like you say you do and did, why did you do that right in front of me?" Her eyes started slowly filling with tears.
"You know why I did it, Addison," he practically spat. "What was I supposed to do, run over and kiss you, like I'd wanted to for years? That would have earned me a black eye and a ruined friendship, don't you think?" He sat up, his eyes flashing. "What would you have liked me to have done, Addison? I did the best I could, all those years, watching you with Derek. I don't know what else you would expect." He stood and walked from the bedroom, pulling on jeans and a t-shirt as he went.
Addison turned her head against the cool cotton sheets, pressing her face into one to muffle her sobs. She didn't understand why she was feeling this way - this sudden vengefulness towards Mark and his past behaviors, her dreams of Derek that made her wake up with tears in her eyes and longing in her heart, and most of all, why she even cared what Mark did. It's not like they were truly a couple; she was an adulterous whore and he was the dirty mistress. It was a joke of a relationship.
But somehow, she found herself being pulled back in, every time.
M A R C H
when the morning wakes, you'll grab for me
but the plane took me away.
The sunlight streamed in through the windows, creating diagonal lines across every surface in the bedroom. Mark stirred as the light hit his closed eyelids, snuggling deeper into the blankets before he turned on his side.
He reached across the bed, his hand groping for Addison's body. The air rushed through his fingers as they hit the bare sheets. His eyes snapped open and he was met with a sight that made his heart sink - the bed was rumpled on his side but smooth where she usually slept, and the sheets were devoid of any body heat.
He scrambled out of the bed and to the closet to get his bathrobe. He opened the doors and he breathed a sigh of relief; her clothes were still there, and her shoes. She wouldn't leave without her shoes. Would she?
He tugged on his bathrobe and walked down the hall, calling out her name. He entered the kitchen and saw nothing on the counters, no note or explanation, and checked the answering machine, which had no messages. He started to panic - even when she went jogging, Addison always left a note for him so he wouldn't worry. He noticed that the coffeepot was still turned off and there were no dirty dishes in the sink.
He left the room and walked quickly throughout the rest of the rooms of the house, noting certain things that were still left; things that he knew she would take with her if she was leaving.
He'd always half-expected this day to come, because he knew some of her heart still belonged to Derek (and she was too level-headed to not at least give it another try if he was willing), but that didn't make it any easier. He called her cell phone and immediately got her voicemail, signifying that it was turned off.
He sat down on the couch heavily, his head braced on his open palms. With all the scenarios he'd concocted in his mind about Addison leaving, he never woke up alone, without so much as a note or phone call. He'd thought maybe Derek would come back, and they would go out for dinner and decide their marriage was worth another shot, and maybe they could all go back to being friends. He'd thought maybe he'd come home to find Addison packing, saying that she couldn't stand not knowing, and that she might be back, but if not, thanks for everything.
He sighed and leaned back on the couch, trying to think if Addison had told him she had an appointment or something that he should have remembered. But that's when he saw it (or rather, didn't see it.) The music box that he gave her for Valentine's Day wasn't in its customary position on top of the mantle. And then he knew.
Addison was gone.
all that i keep thinking throughout this whole flight
is it could take my whole damn life to make this right.
Addison sat in her seat, staring out the window at the rows upon rows of airplanes on the runway. Her fingers curled together in her lap, she pressed her lips together and wondered if she was making the right decision.
She loved Derek. She'd known him since her sophomore year of medical school, when he continually pestered her to go out with him and she finally relented, just to shut him up. When she actually had a great time on the date, she was surprised at herself, but they kept going out, which turned into dating, which turned into engaged, which turned into married. She always felt safe and comfortable around him, but she was never completely sure about getting married to him, which was partially due to her relationship with Mark. It wasn't that she doubted her love for Derek, but she doubted if it could triumph over her feelings for Mark, whatever they were.
She'd gotten a call from Richard a few days earlier, about a TTTS case that he needed a consult on, and he had managed to slip in the fact that Derek was seeing an intern. She had laughed at first, thinking it was a joke, but he was completely serious. She'd balked at the thought and said she'd be there in a few days, that she needed to get a few things in order.
The truth was, she needed the time to determine how she would leave Mark.
She thought for days about what to do, but kept coming up with a blank. So, she chose what appeared to be the easy way out - leaving when he wasn't awake. But, in reality, it was the hardest way she could have chosen. She knew Mark loved her, but didn't know if he would forgive her for leaving, and she didn't know if Derek still loved her. She was taking a chance either way.
She leaned back in the seat, watching the other passengers file by her to their seats. She hated to leave New York like this, to leave Mark like this, but she didn't know what to do. The logical part of her, the part that she always listened to, said that she should go to Seattle to see Derek, do whatever she had to do, and give her marriage another shot. But Derek wasn't easily forgiving, and she knew that she'd work her whole life trying to make it up to him and make him trust her again.
She felt the engine rumble underneath her as the pilot started the plane, preparing for its trip down the runway and into the air. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, seeing Mark's face in the shadows of her eyelids.
but i don't know how to leave you
and i'll never let you fall.
The tinkling sounds of the doorbell were the first things Mark heard that morning. His head jerked up from the back of the couch at the noise, but he leaned back again, hoping that whoever it was would go away. He wasn't in the mood for visitors.
He closed his eyes and pulled a blanket down on top of him as he listened to the doorbell ring two, three, four times. He sighed loudly and pushed the blanket to the side as his feet hit the floor. He stood and made his way to the door as the chimes rang through his apartment for the fifth time.
He reached for the handle and pulled open the door, ready to verbally assault whoever had pressed his doorbell five consecutive times. His scowl turned to an expression of shock and surprise when he saw who was standing on the other side of the door.
Her red hair gleamed in the early morning light, tumbling around her face, which was mostly covered by large, dark sunglasses. There was a suitcase at her feet and another smaller bag slung over her shoulder. She was dressed in all black.
"Addison," he breathed, unsure of saying her name any louder for fear that this mirage might disappear.
She lifted her sunglasses, revealing red-rimmed eyes, and let them rest on the top of her head. She opened her mouth and tears began to fall. Mark reached for her, but she held up a hand to stop him.
"I tried to leave, Mark. I tried. I got on a plane, and I tried to leave you, because you were nothing but an affair, right? You were nothing but the dirty mistress that I cheated on my husband with." She stopped to take a few deep, gasping breaths, the tears still rolling down her face. "But I got as far as Atlanta. And I was sitting there in the airport, and I knew. I can't leave you, Mark. I never could. You're more than just a fling, you always were. I closed my eyes on the plane, and all I could see was your face. I just," she paused and braced a hand on the doorframe, "I went to see Derek. I didn't want you to know because I knew you'd try to stop me, and I knew that if you did, I would just stay. So I left. But I realized that even if I go back to Derek, I'll spend all of my time and energy trying to make it work, when it's probably over anyways. It has been for years. But this… thing, that we have," she gestured between them, "I'm not willing to let it go. I'm not finished with it. Because… because, I love you, Mark."
Her roaming eyes finally settled on him as she voiced what he had waited so long to hear. The words had tumbled from her mouth in an almost-whisper, and she watched as Mark's eyes turned glassy. He crossed the small space between them and engulfed her in his arms, breathing in the scent that was so quintessentially Addison.
She hugged back as fiercely as she could, and when he pulled away, she kissed him with every emotion she was feeling. He finally pulled back, only out of need for oxygen, and led her back into the house, carrying her suitcase in one hand and holding hers in the other. She shrugged out of her jacket, letting it fall on the stairs before she continued up to the bedroom.
i'm holding on to you,
holding on to me
maybe it's all gone black,
but you're all i see.
They say it takes 23 days to break or form a habit, that it takes that long to abandon or implement something in your life. Sometimes it takes less (when someone is psychologically so prepared for it to happen that they automatically adopt it, time limits aside) and sometimes it takes more (this is usually called denial). But sometimes, a habit sneaks up on you. It embeds itself in your life so deeply, so thoroughly, that you don't even see it coming. One day you wake up and it is the thoughts in your head and what's keeping your heart beating in your chest, and you don't even know how it happened. It can't be measured in days or weeks or even months, because you're not sure yourself when it even began, but it did. And it's in you.
This is called love.