(no subject)
i think it's time to pack my bags. [again] start over. a new life. with new people, new place, new family. this place is toxic and not only is it toxic but lonely and empty as well. the only place i'll ever feel whole again is at 1084 joselson avenue. and it's a memory now. the only time i was sure of anything was there. and after that the changes began. maybe change is my problem. maybe leaving again is the worst thing i will ever do. maybe im running away from everything i should be facing.
then again, maybe it's the best thing for me. maybe im just a gypsy that is free and can't be bound to a life with bills and schedules. maybe im just being a childish, selfish little girl. but maybe i can see past what the world thinks is grown up and responsible and it's contrary to what most people see. maybe im right. maybe im wronger than ive ever been. but i'll never know until i try and once i try and succeed i know it was right. and once i try and fail i know it was wrong and i can learn from it. having an open mind in such a shitty situation, i am proud of myself for this, and this alone. i dont know if many could handle this not only financially but emotionally. i laugh i cry i break down i hate i love. but most of all i cry. i cry over this and all that's happening every night. and every night i wish i could crawl back into that seven year olds body and have everything be ok. and have mom cook dinner and dad come home from work and matt play his video games too loud and trip over the barbie dolls megan and i left on the floor. i love indepenence. but i hate growing up. i've never missed something so hard. i hate this and i love it. my life is falling apart and i need someone strong to lean against. im not ashamed to admit that i do need another to help. im not ashamed to admit thart i do cry about it and if i didnt it wouldnt make me feel any less of a person because everyone cries. everyone on this earth. the strongest person has gotten there because they've been through rough times and they've cried too. the life of a nineteen year old GIRL in new york state wandering and floating upon life as if it's nothing more than a carnival ride into the night has been beautiful and horrific.
my thoughts spill out faster than i can type and thats probably the reason i cant write anymore. there's so much to say and i feel i will run out of space in the world if i tried to say it all at once. but i answer myself without even asking a question in that there's not need to say it all at once ever if you feel it. because if there's that much to say, something will make sense in your mind because WAIT, let me explain. the reason i talk things outloud or the reason i write things down is because there's too much flying around here in this little head of mine and when it's in black and white or when you hear it verbally like a normal conversation-maybe not-you understand it better. it becomes real. it's no longer just a thought it's an emotion, it's a way for another being to connect to you through your words. and that is one of the most beautiful bonds you can share with someone. i can only hope to relate to another with my words some day and make an impact and change a mind and maybe open up a new world of thinking for someone.
i dont give a shit if this sounds like oh poor me because damn fucking straight oh poor me. i dont fucking care. dont feel bad for me because i feel bad enough for the both of us. i AM in a shitty situation with my family and living and money and friends. my friends are drug addicts. the worst kind of people are drug addicts. i am realizing today there are very few people i can count on and the ones i can ARE NOT FUCKING DRUG ADDICTS. my money is fucked. i take on every shift i work 16 hours at a time to fucking pay my bills and god damn i dont ever drive. but work is hard to pick up and ill be damned if good sam offered up a full time position for ms melissa over here. fuck new york. fuck living here. fuck that shit to the heavens. the taxes are too high the cost of living is rediculous. it will cost me less than one third of what it would here to insure my car in virginia. i love virginia. end. my family is a subject i cant even touch on today because it;s been said already. people who love you don't fucking dump you. people who love you people who raised you people who are connected whether you like it or not do not do what they have done. i should've known the first time. not with me but with him. ive been through a lot. but in the end i still love myself because it's lonely out here. but it's a little less lonely when you know for sure someone loves you. even if it's just yourself.
then again, maybe it's the best thing for me. maybe im just a gypsy that is free and can't be bound to a life with bills and schedules. maybe im just being a childish, selfish little girl. but maybe i can see past what the world thinks is grown up and responsible and it's contrary to what most people see. maybe im right. maybe im wronger than ive ever been. but i'll never know until i try and once i try and succeed i know it was right. and once i try and fail i know it was wrong and i can learn from it. having an open mind in such a shitty situation, i am proud of myself for this, and this alone. i dont know if many could handle this not only financially but emotionally. i laugh i cry i break down i hate i love. but most of all i cry. i cry over this and all that's happening every night. and every night i wish i could crawl back into that seven year olds body and have everything be ok. and have mom cook dinner and dad come home from work and matt play his video games too loud and trip over the barbie dolls megan and i left on the floor. i love indepenence. but i hate growing up. i've never missed something so hard. i hate this and i love it. my life is falling apart and i need someone strong to lean against. im not ashamed to admit that i do need another to help. im not ashamed to admit thart i do cry about it and if i didnt it wouldnt make me feel any less of a person because everyone cries. everyone on this earth. the strongest person has gotten there because they've been through rough times and they've cried too. the life of a nineteen year old GIRL in new york state wandering and floating upon life as if it's nothing more than a carnival ride into the night has been beautiful and horrific.
my thoughts spill out faster than i can type and thats probably the reason i cant write anymore. there's so much to say and i feel i will run out of space in the world if i tried to say it all at once. but i answer myself without even asking a question in that there's not need to say it all at once ever if you feel it. because if there's that much to say, something will make sense in your mind because WAIT, let me explain. the reason i talk things outloud or the reason i write things down is because there's too much flying around here in this little head of mine and when it's in black and white or when you hear it verbally like a normal conversation-maybe not-you understand it better. it becomes real. it's no longer just a thought it's an emotion, it's a way for another being to connect to you through your words. and that is one of the most beautiful bonds you can share with someone. i can only hope to relate to another with my words some day and make an impact and change a mind and maybe open up a new world of thinking for someone.
i dont give a shit if this sounds like oh poor me because damn fucking straight oh poor me. i dont fucking care. dont feel bad for me because i feel bad enough for the both of us. i AM in a shitty situation with my family and living and money and friends. my friends are drug addicts. the worst kind of people are drug addicts. i am realizing today there are very few people i can count on and the ones i can ARE NOT FUCKING DRUG ADDICTS. my money is fucked. i take on every shift i work 16 hours at a time to fucking pay my bills and god damn i dont ever drive. but work is hard to pick up and ill be damned if good sam offered up a full time position for ms melissa over here. fuck new york. fuck living here. fuck that shit to the heavens. the taxes are too high the cost of living is rediculous. it will cost me less than one third of what it would here to insure my car in virginia. i love virginia. end. my family is a subject i cant even touch on today because it;s been said already. people who love you don't fucking dump you. people who love you people who raised you people who are connected whether you like it or not do not do what they have done. i should've known the first time. not with me but with him. ive been through a lot. but in the end i still love myself because it's lonely out here. but it's a little less lonely when you know for sure someone loves you. even if it's just yourself.