A Big Step in the Opposite Direction
I am fat. I am fat. I am fat. It's very difficult to deal with.
Today I had my second assessment at The Bronte Foundation - one of the best treatment centres for eating disorders in the world. The centre feels like a big family house and everyone is so interested in your wellbeing that it's a little overwhelming. It's a fucking big step and one I'm not too sure I want to be making but once you start at a place like that, there's not really any going back.
I was there with both my parents. Mum took time off filming a mini-series to fly over to Melbourne to be with me for this. It's costing her a lot of money. The assessment phase alone costs close to $800 and then around $350 a week for the twice weekly counselling sessions and weekly dietetic session once I start treatment (where they also weigh me every week and tell me I'm "safe" if I don't fall below a pre-determined goal weight range). I don't want to think about it too much because it scares me but the way they talk about eating disorders makes sense to me - as it being a voice in my head which is separate from me and which wants me to stay sick. And I'm kind of looking forward to having a "snack plan" to follow that takes all the stress out of deciding what to eat. They even tell you what to buy down to the brand name (which will be good considering it now takes me about 3 hours to do a grocery shop) and have 'outings' where they eat with you and shop with you to help you relearn how to deal with food.
But I know I won't stick to the plan to start with. And I know I just want to lose a bit more weight before I feel like I deserve to be there (although the lady said I have severe body dysmorphia as I really, genuinely believe I'm not that thin and that she's trying to make me feel better by telling me I am). My hope is that I'll lose weight on this plan to start with. We'll see. Right now, anything that can help me is good because I have so little control left of when and how much I eat that it's started to really scare me in a "this could be the rest of my life" way.
So I'm still alive and will keep updating my progress.
For the record, my holiday was amazing and I came back feeling great and wanting to get better, but the resulting weight gain made that feeling disappear pretty quickly.
My current weight: 47.5 kgs :-(
I have gained 2 kilos. My bones are hiding behind piles of flesh. It is disgusting.
Maybe I'll learn not to think that way anymore.
But I don't know if I want to...
Today I had my second assessment at The Bronte Foundation - one of the best treatment centres for eating disorders in the world. The centre feels like a big family house and everyone is so interested in your wellbeing that it's a little overwhelming. It's a fucking big step and one I'm not too sure I want to be making but once you start at a place like that, there's not really any going back.
I was there with both my parents. Mum took time off filming a mini-series to fly over to Melbourne to be with me for this. It's costing her a lot of money. The assessment phase alone costs close to $800 and then around $350 a week for the twice weekly counselling sessions and weekly dietetic session once I start treatment (where they also weigh me every week and tell me I'm "safe" if I don't fall below a pre-determined goal weight range). I don't want to think about it too much because it scares me but the way they talk about eating disorders makes sense to me - as it being a voice in my head which is separate from me and which wants me to stay sick. And I'm kind of looking forward to having a "snack plan" to follow that takes all the stress out of deciding what to eat. They even tell you what to buy down to the brand name (which will be good considering it now takes me about 3 hours to do a grocery shop) and have 'outings' where they eat with you and shop with you to help you relearn how to deal with food.
But I know I won't stick to the plan to start with. And I know I just want to lose a bit more weight before I feel like I deserve to be there (although the lady said I have severe body dysmorphia as I really, genuinely believe I'm not that thin and that she's trying to make me feel better by telling me I am). My hope is that I'll lose weight on this plan to start with. We'll see. Right now, anything that can help me is good because I have so little control left of when and how much I eat that it's started to really scare me in a "this could be the rest of my life" way.
So I'm still alive and will keep updating my progress.
For the record, my holiday was amazing and I came back feeling great and wanting to get better, but the resulting weight gain made that feeling disappear pretty quickly.
My current weight: 47.5 kgs :-(
I have gained 2 kilos. My bones are hiding behind piles of flesh. It is disgusting.
Maybe I'll learn not to think that way anymore.
But I don't know if I want to...