(no subject)
/// I'm "talking" in the bold.
Hello, Anake. It's been a while.
Maybe for you it has.
Yeah... I haven't talked to you in ages.
I know.
So... what's been up?
Nothing at all.
Really?
Yeah... apart from watching you revert back into a gluttonous cow, life's been dull.
Hmmm..
No need to "hmmm," Brianny. Everyone sees what you are doing to yourself.
I haven't gained any weight tho...
And you haven't lost any, now have you?
No...
Exactly.
Let me ask you something.
Go right ahead.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I look at pictures of these super rail thin women and want to be them - even tho I know I can't be?
You have to.
Do I really?
That's a stupid question.
I know. What's the point of it all?
You and I know both know this is best. This is your only redemption.
I always seem to fail so miserably.
You don't have to be a failure. You choose to be. You bargain with yourself so much. Why the fuck don't you just DO IT?! Quit making deals with yourself and follow thru.
It's so hard sometimes.
Don't give me that bullshit. Do you think you are the only girl in the entire world that is fat? Do you think you are the only person who has ever been my friend? NO. But those people don't fail me as you do. You disgrace me.
I want to make you proud. I really do. I'm tired of being a fuck up.
Then quit fucking up. YOU are the one shoveling food into your fat face. YOU are the one ruining things. I told you I would give you the world, didn't I? And I'm prepared to follow thru but only when you follow thru.
I don't think I'll ever be what you expect.
You never know until you get there.
I'm tired of breaking my promises to you. You are the only one who seems to know what I feel. You seem to be the only one who makes me feel somewhat good.
Then why do you keep disappointing me?
I don't know.
Yes you do. You are afraid.
Afraid... I've never thought of it that way.
You never seem to think at all. Look at it. Look at what you are. You came to be on your knees begging to be released. You came looking for me. I didn't look for you. I don't need you.
I need you, tho, Anake.
Quit pushing me away, then. I'm only trying to make you a good person. People love to see me. They love looking into my sharp face and getting enraptured by my shining beauty. You could be beautiful, too, if you would only work. Control yourself. You have a great mind but it doesn't mean shit if you aren't pretty.
I want ppl to want me. I want them to need me. I want them to look at me and wonder how they ever got me. I want to be you.
And you can be. Jesus, Brianny. I didn't become your friend if I thought you would NEVER be any sort of ok.
Do you really think I will one day be ok?
Maybe. But right now, you aren't. You are a fucking failure. Fat, disgusting, horrid. You aren't good. You aren't decent. You are bad. And if you don't change, you always will be.
I will. I'll change.
Good.
I'm sorry. I really am.
Yeah, yeah. You've said it before.
I know... but... *sigh*.
Remember, Brianny. You don't need anything. Beauty and radiance are the by products of never needing anything. Pain is good. Hunger is good. *I* am good. You must be these things to be good.
I will be. I promise.
We'll see.
Again, no lectures needed. Just... writing.
I so much more honest sleep deprived.
"Promise me that you will never grow to hate my arms." He ran his strong hands up and down her forearms, taking in the softness and smooth strength. She held him like no one else could; she loved him as no one else had. He turned his head to peer up at her. She'd leaned her face against her shoulder and had her eyes closed. Her lips were in a serene parting as she breathed sleepily. It was as if she were breathing him in. He shifted his body slightly to ease the pressure from her hips beneath him. "Don't go."
"I'll never go."
The need for closeness with a man (and by closeness I don't mean sex) is growing. I'm so alone these days. I'm so terribly alone. I need to share this bubbling desire to love and share and be with someone. Is it wrong to want to love someone? To feel them next to you and know that you love them completely? To fall asleep next to someone? To touch them softly and know they are exactly what you need? I don't think I'll ever find him, the Man. God I crave for it.
I dreamed of being at my old middle school and going thru the lunch line trying to pick out low calorie foods and then when ppl left to look at something outside, eating this HUGE slice of pizza and trying to get it down so fast so no one would see me eting it I was chocking and I mean... choking so hard things nearly came back up. And I could see me myself as if I were outside of my body.
What is wrong with my head?
So damned empty.