(no subject)
I broke my juice "fast".
With what?
Beef.
& 3 low carb slim fast bars.
I'm 2# shy of having a BMI I've only dreamed of. 11# shy of a STGW I'd cum over. And what do I do? I FUCK IT ALL UP. I am the biggest fucking fuck up. I cannot do anything right. I can't even follow a modest juice fast for longer than 62 hrs.
How could I miss Yohannes so much...
Love him so much...
Want him so badly with the very bottoms of my soul...
But get to the point of wanting to kill him?
Hurt him.
Piss him off as he pisses me off.
I don't get how he can be my everything and I want to do everything in my power to make him happy but want to destroy him. Why does he seem to be the only person who can make me cry these days? I'm not crying now - it isn't me - but I want to. Over him. Why did I allow myself to allow him to matter so much to me? Maybe it's because I'm a scorpio or because I'm insane, but he has the handle bars of my world and can send me toppling with one small "ok". A small moment of monosyllabism and him just feeling so distant can drive me further down then half of the known world. Why does he mean so much? Why HIM? He's obscenely good and right and he's the end all and be all of many parts of my world. And I guess it's because I do love him... Every other guy can be a quick fuck or a lustful attraction but he is the one I want to love for the rest of my life. He always will be.
I feel like such a complete failure. Maybe it's because I am.
I hate being so goddamned melodramatic. I hate coming off so pitiful.
I want to just STOP. Stop everything. Eating, feeling, loving, caring, wanting, needing, pushing, pulling, craving. I want everything to just stop dead in its tracks and leave me to nothingness. I want to be hungry. I want to be apathetic. I want to be careless and w/o a pull towards anything. I WANT TO JUST FUCKING STOP.
It's 536. 600 will be the new beginnings. I'm going to fucking stop every fucking thing that is spinning my head. Fuck the juice. Fuck the food. Fuck the love. It's dead. It's gone. What the hell is the spark doing for me? NOTHING.
Here's to downing 4 laxitives and being in pain!
GOD SAVE ME.
I cannot save myself.
Someone fucking kill me.
Kill me.
Please...
[edit // 848pm] I was taking a shower and it was exhausting me. I was 2 seconds away from blacking out and I puked. It scared the living shit out of me. Laied down at around 630 and died for nearly 2 hrs. Scary. NEVER happened before.
With what?
Beef.
& 3 low carb slim fast bars.
I'm 2# shy of having a BMI I've only dreamed of. 11# shy of a STGW I'd cum over. And what do I do? I FUCK IT ALL UP. I am the biggest fucking fuck up. I cannot do anything right. I can't even follow a modest juice fast for longer than 62 hrs.
How could I miss Yohannes so much...
Love him so much...
Want him so badly with the very bottoms of my soul...
But get to the point of wanting to kill him?
Hurt him.
Piss him off as he pisses me off.
I don't get how he can be my everything and I want to do everything in my power to make him happy but want to destroy him. Why does he seem to be the only person who can make me cry these days? I'm not crying now - it isn't me - but I want to. Over him. Why did I allow myself to allow him to matter so much to me? Maybe it's because I'm a scorpio or because I'm insane, but he has the handle bars of my world and can send me toppling with one small "ok". A small moment of monosyllabism and him just feeling so distant can drive me further down then half of the known world. Why does he mean so much? Why HIM? He's obscenely good and right and he's the end all and be all of many parts of my world. And I guess it's because I do love him... Every other guy can be a quick fuck or a lustful attraction but he is the one I want to love for the rest of my life. He always will be.
I feel like such a complete failure. Maybe it's because I am.
I hate being so goddamned melodramatic. I hate coming off so pitiful.
I want to just STOP. Stop everything. Eating, feeling, loving, caring, wanting, needing, pushing, pulling, craving. I want everything to just stop dead in its tracks and leave me to nothingness. I want to be hungry. I want to be apathetic. I want to be careless and w/o a pull towards anything. I WANT TO JUST FUCKING STOP.
It's 536. 600 will be the new beginnings. I'm going to fucking stop every fucking thing that is spinning my head. Fuck the juice. Fuck the food. Fuck the love. It's dead. It's gone. What the hell is the spark doing for me? NOTHING.
Here's to downing 4 laxitives and being in pain!
GOD SAVE ME.
I cannot save myself.
Someone fucking kill me.
Kill me.
Please...
[edit // 848pm] I was taking a shower and it was exhausting me. I was 2 seconds away from blacking out and I puked. It scared the living shit out of me. Laied down at around 630 and died for nearly 2 hrs. Scary. NEVER happened before.