ok . . .
i know that i should say things out loud and not keep them in. i know that when i hold it all in i get sick. i get sad. i get depressed. i know that it's better for the other person - whoever it may be - for me to say "hey, that hurt. don't do it again." i know what i should do. i just can't right now. i keep quiet at work so that when i leave people don't say that i was making waves just for fun. i don't say things to my mom because she's older and she very well might be right that i need to grow up and stop my whining. i don't call up the friend that has ignored me because she'll just say that she forgot and then i'll feel even worse. i don't say anything to my roommate because i don't really have a clue about most of the things he talks about and i don't want him to think i'm dumb because of it. i don't tell aaron somethings because i don't want him to think that i'm already the bitchy wife that nags and nags. i don't tell my teacher that i don't get it because he's only said the same thing four times and i still don't get it. i don't go to class because i don't have the work finished. i don't cry anymore because once it starts i can't make it stop. there are all of a sudden millions of things i don't do because i am scared. that's the truth of it and i don't know how to change it. well, maybe i do, but i'm afraid that whatever the solution might be won't work and i'll end up worse than this.
so:
1. please put all requests in writing in the notebook in the front. ask any of the spa specialist girls for the order request book.
2. please keep asking about your order and don't forget and then blame me.
3. i'm not happy here and i plan on leaving in september.
4. until then please treat me as if i am here forever.
1. i miss you. sometimes i just want you to hold me.
2. my oven's too hot and i keep burning the muffins, do you know how to fix it?
3. sometimes you say things that make me think that you are disappointed in me. is it because of aaron?
4. i wanted you help me move somethings into my new house, and i hurt when you didn't.
5. can you help me put together a recipe book?
6. when i did laundry the other day, how come my one sock turned green but none of the other white things changed?
7. are you sad?
8. i'd like to talk to you about . . . well, everything . . . and i might cry.
1. please call me, even if it's just to say goodbye.
2. please stop trying to forget where you came from.
3. please stop running.
1. i don't get cars. to me they are a way to get from point a to point b and maybe c if you're lucky.
2. anime is cute, but i don't want to watch it right now, i have to do the dishes.
3. spanish grammar is my thing, and yes that is a copy of the hobbit in spanish . . . and yes i understand it.
4. i don't want to know how or why, can i just get online with my computer?
5. sometimes you should not say those things about girls when i'm here.
6. you are a really cool guy and someday not too far off a girl is going to show up and knock you off you feet . . . you just might have to put your computer away and turn off the car for a minute first. (she'll like the car and teach you something new about your own computer, she might even be a skinny blond.)
1. i love you more and you can't change that, ever.
2. i'm not going to leave you, ever.
3. thank you for all of you help, but you can't fix this. i'm sorry.
4. please clean the dishes when you say that you will. i'll work on that too.
5. when you have to move clothes out of the dryer for zach, please put them in the white basket. if you can fold them, please do, you don't have to put them away, but it would be nice.
6. thank you for making dinner.
7. and for buying dessert.
8. i know that it's silly and takes a few minutes, but i would really like it if when you get up after me you would make the bed. you don't have to move the pug. if, you're running late you could just straighten the covers. it means a lot to me.
9. please empty the garbage.
10. please rinse the dishes for me when you put them in the sink; esp. milk, tomato, oatmeal, oj, cheese
11. please clean out the fridge. at least throw out the milk
12. tell me what you expect.
i feel a little better . . . but i still have to say these things to those who need to hear it . . . i'm just scared. i don't know why. i turn 20 next week and should be adult like mostly, but i feel just like i did when i turned 13 . . . small, scared and way too young.
so:
1. please put all requests in writing in the notebook in the front. ask any of the spa specialist girls for the order request book.
2. please keep asking about your order and don't forget and then blame me.
3. i'm not happy here and i plan on leaving in september.
4. until then please treat me as if i am here forever.
1. i miss you. sometimes i just want you to hold me.
2. my oven's too hot and i keep burning the muffins, do you know how to fix it?
3. sometimes you say things that make me think that you are disappointed in me. is it because of aaron?
4. i wanted you help me move somethings into my new house, and i hurt when you didn't.
5. can you help me put together a recipe book?
6. when i did laundry the other day, how come my one sock turned green but none of the other white things changed?
7. are you sad?
8. i'd like to talk to you about . . . well, everything . . . and i might cry.
1. please call me, even if it's just to say goodbye.
2. please stop trying to forget where you came from.
3. please stop running.
1. i don't get cars. to me they are a way to get from point a to point b and maybe c if you're lucky.
2. anime is cute, but i don't want to watch it right now, i have to do the dishes.
3. spanish grammar is my thing, and yes that is a copy of the hobbit in spanish . . . and yes i understand it.
4. i don't want to know how or why, can i just get online with my computer?
5. sometimes you should not say those things about girls when i'm here.
6. you are a really cool guy and someday not too far off a girl is going to show up and knock you off you feet . . . you just might have to put your computer away and turn off the car for a minute first. (she'll like the car and teach you something new about your own computer, she might even be a skinny blond.)
1. i love you more and you can't change that, ever.
2. i'm not going to leave you, ever.
3. thank you for all of you help, but you can't fix this. i'm sorry.
4. please clean the dishes when you say that you will. i'll work on that too.
5. when you have to move clothes out of the dryer for zach, please put them in the white basket. if you can fold them, please do, you don't have to put them away, but it would be nice.
6. thank you for making dinner.
7. and for buying dessert.
8. i know that it's silly and takes a few minutes, but i would really like it if when you get up after me you would make the bed. you don't have to move the pug. if, you're running late you could just straighten the covers. it means a lot to me.
9. please empty the garbage.
10. please rinse the dishes for me when you put them in the sink; esp. milk, tomato, oatmeal, oj, cheese
11. please clean out the fridge. at least throw out the milk
12. tell me what you expect.
i feel a little better . . . but i still have to say these things to those who need to hear it . . . i'm just scared. i don't know why. i turn 20 next week and should be adult like mostly, but i feel just like i did when i turned 13 . . . small, scared and way too young.