Psychology Studio/More Rambling
I hit the spot with what I want to do with this thing "life". I really want to open a psychology studio. That's right, studio; not office, not practice, not shrink-telling-you-what's-wrong-with-you place. I want a space where I can sit down and have meaningful conversations with people, where we can identify problems and work on them through mindfulness and holistic means. I want to host meditation sessions and inspirational groups. On the side I want to do therapeutic riding with special needs children. I can't imagine a more fulfilling life. I feel like if I had known some of the things I know now sooner, that maybe I could have better helped people who had been very important to me in the past.
While researching all things psychology, I read something the other day that kinda bothered me. From a book called "The Mindful Way Through Depression". Read it, because this is the conversation I have with myself a lot.
So a few things about this. Like I've said before in posts, the highs of feeling good are always followed (for me) by an equal and opposite low. This is where the stabilization of mindfulness, meditation, and Buddhism help me the most. When I'm not practicing, things are a million times worse. Still I have these conversations with myself though.
I think it's interesting how mainstream anxiety is becoming. Shania Twain recently did a documentary on coming back from crippling anxiety (if you don't know her story, it's one worth knowing, even if you hate country music). Anyways, she said multiple times that one of the hardest part is that strangers illegitimize other people's anxiety. It's so easy to look at someone and say, "what does SHE have to be worried about?" I feel like that a lot. I have a great life, the best life, with fulfilling relationships and everything I could want (bills are paid, food is on the table, I have an amazing husband who I'm more in love with than when I first met him, I have two cats, two dogs, almost always employed). Yet something in me tells me over and over that I don't deserve it, or I'm not good enough, or I'm going to screw it up. Like this going to school thing... I almost didn't register yesterday because I have a hard time spending money, even when we are FINE. *bangs head* It's hard to spend money on school when I'm telling myself every so often that it won't amount to anything, anyways.
I let some people get to me a few years ago and it totally ended my horseback riding for a while. I found out, though, that if you're open with people opportunities will come back. I was straight forward with Tricia @ Yarmony Creek about my anxiety, and she still insisted without much pressure that I come out to her barn. I did. It's gorgeous, relaxing, peaceful and has amazing horses. I started riding and I realized I can DO this. I've actually taken a few lessons on her horses with her trainer and was able to ride through them, improve drastically, and find out that I can still do everything I used to. It was all in my head. I overheard Philip talking to her last time I was out there, and all he was saying were good things (without knowing I heard). I wasn't eavesdropping, just caught a bit as I rode by and kept on riding. But it was along the lines of "she does know what she's doing, look at the drastic improvement between last time and this time, if she improved that much..." The improvement he was talking about was always there. It was a matter of letting the anxiety go enough to not freeze up in front of other people. When I did lessons with Anita, I couldn't even canter, or sit a trot on Morocco!!!!! How embarrassing is that?? (And it had nothing to do with Anita, who is amazing). I guess the moral of the story is I've learned to just TELL people that I have anxiety. If I manage to just blurt out that tiny sentence I find people are much more receptive when I do something odd (like stutter, or mis-speak, or twitch, or get jumpy, or look like I'm about to cry, or blow them off.)
So anyways. Don't know where the rambling was going with that, other than that anxiety threw me way off my path and sent me into a downward spiral of self-loathing that is uncalled for but is none-the-less present. I want to dedicate my life to helping other people fix these things, because I feel like I'm beginning to overcome them myself. I've been back on horses, I'm back in school, I'm working a perfect part-time job, I went out with people just last weekend. I have nothing to be anxious or depressed about, but instead of judging myself, I have to keep finding my center and moving forward without this constant litany in my head.