a person's energy has a flow, a unity. her's was fragmented.
I went to the bookstore after church. I was in the mood for a drive, but with the price of gas these days I took to wandering somewhere cheaper. but I didn't know it was closing 20 minutes after I got there and I felt rushed to choose a book. I hate feeling rushed to choose books but I finally bought Mrs. Dalloway. I dont know if I should watch the Hours before or after reading it.
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May 18, 2001 - seven years ago, John died. that seems like too long and too short at the same time. I've spent a lot of time dissecting every little detail of that weekend, and the five years leading up to it. and I can't make sense of it. I've written it out so many times that I don't really know what more to say about it. yes, obviously considering his lifestyle it made sense. and yet, it didnt. so many others could have, should have died, and didn't. how did we let it go that far? why couldnt we stop him? I guess seven years isn't long enough to get over the blame.
a new thought came to me today, as I heard the quote in my title again. I've used it to describe the breakdown of many of my closest relationships in 2003. it seemed like no one was themselves anymore, like everyone's energy was being shifted too quickly, in all the wrong directions. I felt like I didnt know anyone anymore. like no one was truly themselves and it was so painful to not understand why.
I think seven years ago, John's death started a crack in our energy. a crack that has spread into many aspects of our lives. for some of us it has influenced our careers, our passions. for others, it changed the course of our lives. stopped us from following in his footsteps. maybe the crack is like a wound, and over the years a scar is slowly covering the wound. but it will always be there. our energy will always be in reference to this crack, this wound, this scar. we'll need to adjust our flow to go around or over it, but it will always be there.
some people may think we should get over it. we've known him longer in death than in life. but its amazing, how someone's presence, and absence, can have such an influence over us. maybe we're easily molded, easily affected by these sorts of things. but I don't think that's a bad thing. every day we try to make up for it, and though it is a fruitless endeavour, it isnt without hope.
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my thoughts are fragmented and scattered tonight. death, drug abuse, family issues, racial divides..
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May 18, 2001 - seven years ago, John died. that seems like too long and too short at the same time. I've spent a lot of time dissecting every little detail of that weekend, and the five years leading up to it. and I can't make sense of it. I've written it out so many times that I don't really know what more to say about it. yes, obviously considering his lifestyle it made sense. and yet, it didnt. so many others could have, should have died, and didn't. how did we let it go that far? why couldnt we stop him? I guess seven years isn't long enough to get over the blame.
a new thought came to me today, as I heard the quote in my title again. I've used it to describe the breakdown of many of my closest relationships in 2003. it seemed like no one was themselves anymore, like everyone's energy was being shifted too quickly, in all the wrong directions. I felt like I didnt know anyone anymore. like no one was truly themselves and it was so painful to not understand why.
I think seven years ago, John's death started a crack in our energy. a crack that has spread into many aspects of our lives. for some of us it has influenced our careers, our passions. for others, it changed the course of our lives. stopped us from following in his footsteps. maybe the crack is like a wound, and over the years a scar is slowly covering the wound. but it will always be there. our energy will always be in reference to this crack, this wound, this scar. we'll need to adjust our flow to go around or over it, but it will always be there.
some people may think we should get over it. we've known him longer in death than in life. but its amazing, how someone's presence, and absence, can have such an influence over us. maybe we're easily molded, easily affected by these sorts of things. but I don't think that's a bad thing. every day we try to make up for it, and though it is a fruitless endeavour, it isnt without hope.
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my thoughts are fragmented and scattered tonight. death, drug abuse, family issues, racial divides..