as i look out upon the sky....
eh...I'm tired. And haven't updated. I started to on a regualr basis. but now... Eh, i dont need to write down EVERYHTING about my life, and well, i havent, Im jsut scared i'll forget it. but... i have friends that wont let me, people by my side that wont let me fall. At least I hope that's true...
what am i saying, of course its true! I keep doubting that it is. And I've realized something. This journal? Its stupid! it only has captured my sadness over my joy. it makes my friends worry... they shouldnt. I am fine! And anything to the contrary is probably just the result of a bad day. My life is great! So why should I make it out to be miserable? My life is filled with happiness. Joy and...Boredom! Tis that Fucking Boredom that kills me! Anyways... yeah... i have no reason to be sad. I have no reason to fear anything within me.
Except that oatmeal i just ate...It might have aliens in it o_O.
And why is it that my memories are constantly overshadowed with our most depressing moments, despite my several jovial ones? It doesnt make sense! i remember distintly when i found out the falsehood of santa claus. I remember how upset it made me that the toothfairy didnt bring me money, and that all i was doing was digging into my parents pockets. But I cant for the life of me remember when i first took pen to paper, for real! When i decided that writing is what I would grow up to do. I cant remember it at all...
Mind mind is faulty, it cant contain the things i need: happiness, solace, that warmth that we need to feel when we do good deeds. I feel the warmth, but its just...never enough. No! No sadness! My mind is faulty yes, that is the truth. i am naive, oblivious, too kind! Someday I'll end up paying for my attempt at aiding another. Even if i dont do it to help them (i doubt myself here too! Another problem in my brain!) I'd do it anyway. SO yes, my brain is faulty, but It's mine! That's the point I've been trying to get across for a whole fucking paragraph! Its mine, with all its faults and its questionable qualities! All of it! And sometimes i wonder what I do this all for- what i do life for, what's our reason for being. Do we have a purpose? And if so, will we know if we can fulfill it? And if we dont...then why are we here in the first place? And then i realize...
People have been wondering the answer for centuries. You know much time is wasted on pondering that fucking question? A LOT of time. i personally, feel i have no time to waste. i may not remember my past...and that is precisely why i realized that i just have to make new memories. Memories so great, that when I'm old and can no longer stand, i can say with a joyous tone in my voice that my past was great. And i wouldnt change anything for the world.
I have a new goal, people. i always thought my ultimate goal would be to get published, to be an author. And even if only a few people read my book, then I could happily said that my book had been read by total strangers. I dont even have a book to write, but i've got plenty of time for that later. For now, all I've got is time to make memories. Alright, i need to get started!
...but then again...it IS almost two in the morn, and i am mighty tired...Im sure ill remember each and every nap i took as a teen as amazing... *snore*
"From above a rain of ashes descends anathema.
I will remain, forever will remain.
From below, in my seclusion, look up to the sky to see
See paper wings and watch them burn.
Without habitation you'll never find a soul inside.
No life, but nothing's died.
No lights, but quite the show (just as long as no one ever knows
Emotion is pantomime)"
what am i saying, of course its true! I keep doubting that it is. And I've realized something. This journal? Its stupid! it only has captured my sadness over my joy. it makes my friends worry... they shouldnt. I am fine! And anything to the contrary is probably just the result of a bad day. My life is great! So why should I make it out to be miserable? My life is filled with happiness. Joy and...Boredom! Tis that Fucking Boredom that kills me! Anyways... yeah... i have no reason to be sad. I have no reason to fear anything within me.
Except that oatmeal i just ate...It might have aliens in it o_O.
And why is it that my memories are constantly overshadowed with our most depressing moments, despite my several jovial ones? It doesnt make sense! i remember distintly when i found out the falsehood of santa claus. I remember how upset it made me that the toothfairy didnt bring me money, and that all i was doing was digging into my parents pockets. But I cant for the life of me remember when i first took pen to paper, for real! When i decided that writing is what I would grow up to do. I cant remember it at all...
Mind mind is faulty, it cant contain the things i need: happiness, solace, that warmth that we need to feel when we do good deeds. I feel the warmth, but its just...never enough. No! No sadness! My mind is faulty yes, that is the truth. i am naive, oblivious, too kind! Someday I'll end up paying for my attempt at aiding another. Even if i dont do it to help them (i doubt myself here too! Another problem in my brain!) I'd do it anyway. SO yes, my brain is faulty, but It's mine! That's the point I've been trying to get across for a whole fucking paragraph! Its mine, with all its faults and its questionable qualities! All of it! And sometimes i wonder what I do this all for- what i do life for, what's our reason for being. Do we have a purpose? And if so, will we know if we can fulfill it? And if we dont...then why are we here in the first place? And then i realize...
People have been wondering the answer for centuries. You know much time is wasted on pondering that fucking question? A LOT of time. i personally, feel i have no time to waste. i may not remember my past...and that is precisely why i realized that i just have to make new memories. Memories so great, that when I'm old and can no longer stand, i can say with a joyous tone in my voice that my past was great. And i wouldnt change anything for the world.
I have a new goal, people. i always thought my ultimate goal would be to get published, to be an author. And even if only a few people read my book, then I could happily said that my book had been read by total strangers. I dont even have a book to write, but i've got plenty of time for that later. For now, all I've got is time to make memories. Alright, i need to get started!
...but then again...it IS almost two in the morn, and i am mighty tired...Im sure ill remember each and every nap i took as a teen as amazing... *snore*
"From above a rain of ashes descends anathema.
I will remain, forever will remain.
From below, in my seclusion, look up to the sky to see
See paper wings and watch them burn.
Without habitation you'll never find a soul inside.
No life, but nothing's died.
No lights, but quite the show (just as long as no one ever knows
Emotion is pantomime)"