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Whenever I have a restless night, I go crazy trying to find a solution for my inability to sleep and failure to shush the nightmare thoughts in the back of my head who scream for attention. Things like how I'm not smart or pretty enough; not well-rounded in this or that; too deep in debt; too young; not a good daughter, not a good older sister, not a good friend, not a good person - it's always too this and too that and never enough of that.
Well, I've had it up to here with all of that rubbish. I don't want to hear it anymore. I am only 21; it's not the end of the world. I still have time. I am going to be amazing. Just you wait and see. Twenty-one is going to be done the right way, the only way I have left to try. I am giving up control. I am giving it all to God and telling Him, "have your way." All of my adult choices these last few years have had profounding impacts on my life, and I can tell the difference between the ones where I asked God to take over and do His will and the ones where I grabbed the control and wouldn't let Him help. The list would be endless for each category.
Lately, you could take God out of my life, and it would be as if He was never there.. is that what I want? My answer is yes and no. No because that is not the life I want, but yes because taking God out is exactly what I did and look at all of the life choices I have made in the last year and a half - two years.. FAIL.
I don't pray anymore. And that is so obviously apparent in my hasty decisions to control what happens in my life and just be happy in the moment. There is nothing wrong with being happy - it's just the type of happiness I have been seeking out only lasts me for that one quick moment.. and then I'm left sitting here even more stuck, dealing with the repurcussions of what I've done.
Everyone around me is growing old and graduating and getting married and having babies. For me, it feels like I'll never get there because I will always be stuck here.. I just want to feel as if I'm moving forward and not being held back.
"We're moving forward, but holding ourselves back. And we're waiting on, something that will never come."
One of my all-time favorite lyrics. Well. I don't want to be growing older, but held here in this Loserville anymore. And I don't want to sit around waiting for the answer to arrive. I'm going to go seek it out from God, I am going to tell Him to have His way, and I am going to get out of here. I am going to Be Still; I am not going to control my life.
Twenty-one is a new me.
Well, I've had it up to here with all of that rubbish. I don't want to hear it anymore. I am only 21; it's not the end of the world. I still have time. I am going to be amazing. Just you wait and see. Twenty-one is going to be done the right way, the only way I have left to try. I am giving up control. I am giving it all to God and telling Him, "have your way." All of my adult choices these last few years have had profounding impacts on my life, and I can tell the difference between the ones where I asked God to take over and do His will and the ones where I grabbed the control and wouldn't let Him help. The list would be endless for each category.
Lately, you could take God out of my life, and it would be as if He was never there.. is that what I want? My answer is yes and no. No because that is not the life I want, but yes because taking God out is exactly what I did and look at all of the life choices I have made in the last year and a half - two years.. FAIL.
I don't pray anymore. And that is so obviously apparent in my hasty decisions to control what happens in my life and just be happy in the moment. There is nothing wrong with being happy - it's just the type of happiness I have been seeking out only lasts me for that one quick moment.. and then I'm left sitting here even more stuck, dealing with the repurcussions of what I've done.
Everyone around me is growing old and graduating and getting married and having babies. For me, it feels like I'll never get there because I will always be stuck here.. I just want to feel as if I'm moving forward and not being held back.
"We're moving forward, but holding ourselves back. And we're waiting on, something that will never come."
One of my all-time favorite lyrics. Well. I don't want to be growing older, but held here in this Loserville anymore. And I don't want to sit around waiting for the answer to arrive. I'm going to go seek it out from God, I am going to tell Him to have His way, and I am going to get out of here. I am going to Be Still; I am not going to control my life.
Twenty-one is a new me.