I get all... numb... when she says it's over... so god bless you all.
mm
This summer has thrown me for quite a loop.
For a while, it was known as the summer of my destruction, but I'll get into that later.
The beginning of it was very Bohemian and very selective. Rose and I would wake up, do yoga on the beach, and the day would revolve around our wants, which usually was the Van and road tripping with lots of vintage shopping. We spent our nights at the edge of the universe, surrounded by bohemian souls and a good fire with some hot dogs. And then there were the very listless nights with the guitars and foreign company, playing and singing whatever our hearts felt like dishing out.
And this was suitable.
This was carefree, no strings attached, summer.
This was me letting go of the past, letting go of all the people, and making it worth what I believe it was while.
The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good.
I've had good friends during high school, some of the best, and some moments that I will treasure forever. But one day it just started to end. I'm sure that if we all sat down together we could pin the day that everyone started growing apart. I'm sure many would agree that it was Homecoming. But without the arguing and the drama, the hardships and the tough lessons about life, I wouldn't appreciate what I have now. In some ways, I feel that it was all a learning concept, and that I grew tremendously from it. And I can’t say I don’t miss it.
There are nights when I drive past the beach and look at the old pictures and wish that everything was like it was. There's nights when I wish I'd wake up on Lola's floor and be amazed that Megan's lipstick lasted all the way through Homecoming and then some, that I wish I would be back in the handicapped dressing room with Nina and Sarah trying on dresses for the Prom we weren't going to, or that Snuggles and I were swimming in her pool at 11 pm instead of studying for the infamous trigonometry final.
And as we go through the end of our last summer together, I can't help but think of what we become. We made so many promises. Friends forever. What happened to everyone else, won't happen to our group. But it did. And now where are we? Further apart than before we knew each other. Yet, we're better people. We're wiser, and a bit jaded. The mistakes of living are behind us, and we're still going. And I can only hope that we do keep going, toward whatever path we have chosen throughout our 3 years, and strive for our own happiness. Even though we'll sit next to each other in class this fall, and we'll eat in the same place, and promise the same promises over and over, I wish you all the luck in the world. Even if I've lost touch with you somewhere down the long, I wish you the same love and compassion I've wished that for you since the day I met you. There will never be a group quite like us. And no one else will ever rock my world like the wholesomes did.. The good or the bad.
So somewhere between the joy of school letting out for summer and studying mad for finals, I got suckered into signing up for summer theatre. I thought "Great. I leave school and end up in it during the summer. No sleeping in till 3 p.m., No late night movie-thons, and certainly, no fun." Remember how wrong I am in my assumptions? Summer Theatre has been the epiphany of my summer. My heart and soul. Throughout the production, I met a group of kids that I loved waking up and seeing every morning. I got to spend everyday with a girl that would always smile and say good morning to me in the hallway, regardless of what her boyfriend thought of me, her beautiful ballerina sister, who ended up changing my life more than I ever thought a girl could do, Two amazing girls that didn't care what everyone thought, and have been inseperable since (or even before) I met and casted them in their first show, a girl that I always called a rabbit because of first grade, A girl whos looks rivaled that of Marilyn Monroe, and who acted just as riske, a beautiful girl who wanted to be a playmate, and her hilariously charming friend, a sister-in-law and favorite freshman, and some of the most outlandish, charismatic boys that I've ever had the pleasure of harrassing.
Even through the power oflinguistics, I can never portray to anyone, in words, how absolutely amazing these people are,and how much of as crime it is to never get to hang out with Brittany or Cecchetti, to lay on the floor and listen to Pinky and Jorge's views on life, to watch Rachel scream her heart out when we weren't singing loud enough, to just bust out laughing when Megan would perform her lines and then Napoleon Dynamite her way off stage, to watch Gia and Emily Clean the window on the missionary cause they didn't like power tools, to watch Caitlyn change furiously 3490489048 times during the show, to have to deal with Casey's Girly qualities, or Cory and Mike's love for all things Ninjas and Star Wars, or even Scribble's frustrations with his hat during the bows.
And you think "it can't get any better than this." That, or you think I'm just a bit off rambling about these people that may have nothing to do with you, that you don't know, or that you have problems with. So then I apologize, but I love these extraordinary people. And you should never have to subdue your love. True friendship is seen through the heart and not through the eyes.
Human beings are born into this little span of life of which the best thing is its friendship and intimacies, and soon their places will know them no more, and yet they leave their friendships and intimacies with no cultivation, to grow as they will by the roadside, expecting them to "keep" by force of inertia.
The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith.
Even with all that mentioned, I have managed to leave out the most influencial poeple of my entire summer. The ones that made me break the rules of "no strings attached, carefree summer." The ones that were beside me everyday, and every night, through every trial and tribulation and even the one that broke me.
I suposse it's obvious that I'm talking about Kyle, Jessica, Ian,and Xiomara. On the first day of Summer Theatre, we we're already a formed and established clique. But for the first few weeks, it was only like that in summer theatre. We would go home, and live our own lives, which didn't involve one another. That is, until that one fateful summer night, when I decided that we should all go to the drive-in. Sigh. And I guessI'll never know what would've happened if Jessica Ian and I would've actually of made it to the drive in. If we didn't get fed wrong directions, stuck on the turnpike, only to turn around and miss the exit again, and end up at an Applebee's in North Olmstead, sitting at a table wondering if the boys were checking out Ian or me, making Ian go to the restroom so we could tell the waiter it was his birthday, stealing the Sky Blue bottle off the table and hiding it in Jessica's purse, and just bonding. I can't say we've had a better night than the first one. After that, it became weekly fashion, to spend 9 hours during the day with each other,only tO go out to Denny's everynight, and come into Summer Theatre so sick and tired, vowing to never drink coffee again, and trying to find a way to appease the AppleBee's Gods after we stole their precious elixir. That damn bottle. haha. That bottle got me into so much trouble. And I wouldn't give it up for the world.
So here's to the birthdays, to the inside jokes, to being BBN's and PMF's, To tasting like Africa and to the Chicken Burn. Here's to K-JISZ. To 'ew', to 'kay', to coming home at 2:00 am and running an entire show, to the tears and the playgirl. Most importantly, to The reason that Haha exists and the reason Stefanie had the Best Summer Ever, I love you more life itself.
Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be
Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
So summer could not get any more phenomenal than it could for me. To love what you do and feel that it matters- how could anything be more fun? I was convinced it couldn't. And then possibly the worst thing ever happened. Because as the adage goes, 'what goes up..' always comes down. And I think it was the worst blow anyone could be served.
Drama is so different from any other class you will ever come across in your entire life. In a way, Drama should not be even called a class, it is a way of life, is it passion in itself. We are there and we are in it for the passion of acting, and our passion for one another. And there's no way to walk around the situation and sugar coat it in Drama. Everything should be how it is perceived, because we are not the audience, we are the theatre itself. This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live. One day we walked into the theatre, and learned that we lost the man that taught us all this. The man that stirred the passion with, and never lets us stray too far from who we really were. Lorain City Schools has taken away our Captain.
So where do we go from here?
Abandon ship now?
Or do we try to save it?
I didn't want to save the ship. I was too tired. They beat me down, too many times.
I was too tired of getting back up.
Too tired of fighting alone .
The worst part was knowing that the blow was coming. I spent the previous day at the Board Meeting with Rose and we tried so hard to save Mr. Barnes. I learned a few things about the world that day.
Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up. That he has to leave the nest, the security, and go out to do battle. He has to lose everything that is lovely and fight for a new loveliness of his own making, and it's a tragedy. A lot of people don't have the courage to do it.
You can never go and speak on compassion and expect people to care. Passion doesnt live where politics breed.
Sometimes I'm very ashamed. I could've done more. I could've fought harder. But I was a coward. And I was ready to let the ship sink. I was going to give up everything. I was going to walk away from the school, and the system, the children, the friends, everything I worked so hard for, and I was going to let them win.
And I let it be well known. My intentions, a bullet, my body; a trigger finger.
And then there was Duckie. Duckie, who had been the drama president when I was a freshmen, Duckie who had always been such a role model to me and who I had always loved unconditionally. I deal with things my own way, and my way of dealing with the blow they have given my department was to go away from everyone. Complete isolation. And somewhere between all this, Duckie made me stop being selfish, and she reminded me that I had couldn't carry a broken heart. They were my kids now, and I couldn't let them down anymore than they have already been let down.
And then, I can't leave out Boxxie. We've always had a strange, almost iffy relationship, because we didn't know where each other stood, but now, it feels as if we've been souls together forever. I would not of been able to get through this if it wasnt for her being strong for me and just letting me cry.
"They can knock us down, kick us while were down there, but they will never take away what we have. They will never take away the arts from us. I will give them every last barrel in my body, but you deserve so much more than this. and if I have to sell my house, give up everything, Ill make sure you have it. The past 4 years at Admiral I brought something wonderful to the children and refuse to let it be taken away. I love you all so much, and I always will. Im not going away."
So in a few more days, I'll be returning to that building for classes. But I won't be returning for myself. I'm returning for my kids, the kids that would never let me down and never have, and the kids I plan to reciprocate that promise to. And it's been a rough ride, it really has, and I can't say it's not going to be, but we are not going to let them win. Even if they painted his room a puke green, even if there isnt any couches in their anymore, and The Mechanicals aren't floating around the tank, The legacy will live on. I'll do my damndest to make sure of it.
Boxxie and I already made sure that everyone knows it; we've written it all over his boards. Viva La Barnzos.
So. What did I learn this summer?
I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer.