(no subject)
How do I explain, I'm going to regret this and I can't go on not making these mistakes? I'm not sure if I care about anything anymore. I'm not sure if I can say I've got anything to get me through each day. I take a breath, but I can't make sense of it. I know it's happening and I know I'm not denying it. I try to talk about it, to cry about it, to erase make-believe and it hurts so deeply that I've got no strength against distractions. I'd keep my eyes on the road ahead where things get better, but I'm choosing this over anything honest. I'm not blown away at all. I've been stamped so exactly where I am and the only shock is I never believed it would end up this way (I still don't).
I shouldn't need to survive anymore because the only posing threat to my life is me. Why do I choose this? Why do I dream it? Why don't I like to imagine myself happy and coherent and conscious? Why do I embrace the splitting headaches and the blacking out of huge chunks of time as a part of me and my life instead of as a loss? That is what it is. I used to end chapters, or begin them, with growth. I'd say, I'm not ready, but I'm closer. I'd say, I'm not there, but I see where I need to go. Today I say, There? I don't think I can convince myself to want to and I don't think I'm able. I'd be stronger, but what's the point? Who even needs me to keep their ground steady anymore? I need me, but I don't think I care about myself half as much as I know I can care.
It doesn't matter how many tears I cry, begging myself to change. I'll still cling to what I know. Everyone around me will grow up and I'll still be questioning whether I'll have a future, a breathing beating future. I'll hold it over my head to catch my fall when my mom pulls the rug out from under me in the past and I'm forced to revisit the memory as if it were happening today. I'll hold it there so that I can stand to have a best friend who can lie to my face, so I don't have to ever believe in someone the way I did with Jackie. I'll hold it there so I've got something standing in the way of love and I, so I can't ever feel like I could die without someone because I could die, period.
Not saying, this is how I feel; I'm anything but weak right now, would mean I don't need everyone in my life to care for me. It would mean I don't need all of my friends to connect to me and know I'm going through this. It would mean I don't need really beautiful people to see through me. It would mean I don't need him to remind me to hold on to him (to be patient with what I believe). Not saying this would mean not only isolating myself but being trapped in it. It would mean screaming and having no one hear me when it's life or death.
I shouldn't need to survive anymore because the only posing threat to my life is me. Why do I choose this? Why do I dream it? Why don't I like to imagine myself happy and coherent and conscious? Why do I embrace the splitting headaches and the blacking out of huge chunks of time as a part of me and my life instead of as a loss? That is what it is. I used to end chapters, or begin them, with growth. I'd say, I'm not ready, but I'm closer. I'd say, I'm not there, but I see where I need to go. Today I say, There? I don't think I can convince myself to want to and I don't think I'm able. I'd be stronger, but what's the point? Who even needs me to keep their ground steady anymore? I need me, but I don't think I care about myself half as much as I know I can care.
It doesn't matter how many tears I cry, begging myself to change. I'll still cling to what I know. Everyone around me will grow up and I'll still be questioning whether I'll have a future, a breathing beating future. I'll hold it over my head to catch my fall when my mom pulls the rug out from under me in the past and I'm forced to revisit the memory as if it were happening today. I'll hold it there so that I can stand to have a best friend who can lie to my face, so I don't have to ever believe in someone the way I did with Jackie. I'll hold it there so I've got something standing in the way of love and I, so I can't ever feel like I could die without someone because I could die, period.
Not saying, this is how I feel; I'm anything but weak right now, would mean I don't need everyone in my life to care for me. It would mean I don't need all of my friends to connect to me and know I'm going through this. It would mean I don't need really beautiful people to see through me. It would mean I don't need him to remind me to hold on to him (to be patient with what I believe). Not saying this would mean not only isolating myself but being trapped in it. It would mean screaming and having no one hear me when it's life or death.