the past is real
one...he is responsible for my distrust in relationships. it's becoming increasingly harder to try and explain my problems to him without ever mentioning his own name. i feel bad, because [i suppose] he has a right to know that his actions are what are causing me to feel so secluded, so alienated, so distant from that seemingly far-off village called Love. i wanted to believe that one cared...really, i did. but at the exact moment that i found out about what he'd done most recently, the only thought that ran through my head was, "i saw this coming from a mile away." a characteristic of mine is to make myself accept all of the bullshit that people throw at me. i want it to stop. i want to become strong enough to tell one that i can't take him anymore. but after two years, i'm still not able to tell him "no". why is it so hard? even after experiencing something that i considered to be a "good" relationship, i still found myself wishing that one was the one i was with. so when he accidentally reentered my life once again, i was more than happy to accept him. however, i now want one out of my heart and out of my mind. one, for all intent and purpose, symbolizes my more "adult" goals and aspirations. when around him, i feel the need to be sophisticated and polished, only to end up feeling foolish and cast aside.
two...he has been around for a year. considered the other half of my twisted existance, i always saw myself enjoying his company, no matter what. he came into my life as suddenly as he left...only...he seems to be back once more. it started with one, moved on to two, went back to one, and now there are clues that show that two may be making another appearance. i often find myself thinking that, no matter what, one and two will always be a part of who i am, mainly because of the impressions that the both of them left in my mind and in my heart. while i see myself as being almost eager to see the reappearance of two, there's a portion of me who speaks the contrary. two is basically the person who allowed me to be goofy and spontaneous, and now i have to ask myself if i want to be "taken back to my childhood", so to speak. two gave me the love and comfort that i had always wanted in a relationship, but he also made me look like a fool in front of my friends and family by pranking me on a continuous basis and putting me in a state where i occasionally had to [in a sense] be a "mother" to him. i've managed to live a happy existance without two for quite some time, so why would i suddenly want him back here with me? furthermore, with all of the changes i seem to have made to myself [both physically and otherwise], would i be able to resume the type of relationship that two and i once had?
three...there's no legitimate reason why i feel the need to mention three. he has been a great friend to me for at least three years, and suddenly i find myself becoming attracted to him once again. for as long as i've known him, i've always had this underlying feeling of desire towards him. independent and quirky, three is the kind of person that can be the person that you go to when you need to have a deep, insightful conversation and the guy that you want to be around whenever you need an afternoon of mindless, idiotic fun. sadly, three has never wanted anything beyond friendship from me...as far as i can tell. although lately, he has been acting "different". he flirts, he teases, he dives into subjects that people who are "strictly friends" don't talk about, and he seems to have an urge to protect me whenever the slightest thing looks like it could go awry. while he holds a rather high place in my heart, three still has never been able to reach the levels that both one and two have gotten to. perhaps this is because i've never had a..."physical encounter", so to speak, with three.
[this may not make sense to anyone reading...i'm not specifically asking for advice...i just needed to write all of this out. it's easier for me to process things if i'm able to put it all down on something that i can go back to later.]
two...he has been around for a year. considered the other half of my twisted existance, i always saw myself enjoying his company, no matter what. he came into my life as suddenly as he left...only...he seems to be back once more. it started with one, moved on to two, went back to one, and now there are clues that show that two may be making another appearance. i often find myself thinking that, no matter what, one and two will always be a part of who i am, mainly because of the impressions that the both of them left in my mind and in my heart. while i see myself as being almost eager to see the reappearance of two, there's a portion of me who speaks the contrary. two is basically the person who allowed me to be goofy and spontaneous, and now i have to ask myself if i want to be "taken back to my childhood", so to speak. two gave me the love and comfort that i had always wanted in a relationship, but he also made me look like a fool in front of my friends and family by pranking me on a continuous basis and putting me in a state where i occasionally had to [in a sense] be a "mother" to him. i've managed to live a happy existance without two for quite some time, so why would i suddenly want him back here with me? furthermore, with all of the changes i seem to have made to myself [both physically and otherwise], would i be able to resume the type of relationship that two and i once had?
three...there's no legitimate reason why i feel the need to mention three. he has been a great friend to me for at least three years, and suddenly i find myself becoming attracted to him once again. for as long as i've known him, i've always had this underlying feeling of desire towards him. independent and quirky, three is the kind of person that can be the person that you go to when you need to have a deep, insightful conversation and the guy that you want to be around whenever you need an afternoon of mindless, idiotic fun. sadly, three has never wanted anything beyond friendship from me...as far as i can tell. although lately, he has been acting "different". he flirts, he teases, he dives into subjects that people who are "strictly friends" don't talk about, and he seems to have an urge to protect me whenever the slightest thing looks like it could go awry. while he holds a rather high place in my heart, three still has never been able to reach the levels that both one and two have gotten to. perhaps this is because i've never had a..."physical encounter", so to speak, with three.
[this may not make sense to anyone reading...i'm not specifically asking for advice...i just needed to write all of this out. it's easier for me to process things if i'm able to put it all down on something that i can go back to later.]