(no subject)
Okay, so tomorrow's orientation for my first year of college, my mom and I are staying at her friend's house until then, yadda yadda...what do I do? I drive the car into a fucking ditch in their driveway. Now they're pissed, having to call AAA and all, and I'm in "my" room cutting myself and posting on livejournal. Seriously, if I had an ounce of courage in me, I would slit my wrists and say goodbye to all this fucking hatred and disgust I have for myself. I'm dispicable and can't stand to live in this body anymore.
The worst part is that I know I'll never be brave enough to end my own life and therefore be condemned to suffer. I hate it, I hate myself. I don't think I can ever say that enough to the point of satisfaction.
Why are some people born to lives of happiness and self-fulfilment, and others tragedy and self-loathing? How could any such "God" allow such a thing? What have I done to deserve all this?
I know those questions will never be answered, and as for now, I just want to die and get life over with. Sure if I were faced with a gun to my head by some masked-murderer right now , I'd be begging for my life. Is that human nature, selfishness, or cowardice? Or maybe I'm just naivie and a hypocrite and don't really know anything about anything. Yeah, that's it.
I've just traveled 4,000 miles and this is all I can think about. To top it off, I'm nervous as all hell about tomorrow. There's just so many things to be worried about right now. I don't think my brain can handle all this. My fat body can't either.
I really don't know what to do. I'm alone, all my friends are scattered across the country. Life as I've known it for the past eighteen years has completely changed.
The worst part is that I know I'll never be brave enough to end my own life and therefore be condemned to suffer. I hate it, I hate myself. I don't think I can ever say that enough to the point of satisfaction.
Why are some people born to lives of happiness and self-fulfilment, and others tragedy and self-loathing? How could any such "God" allow such a thing? What have I done to deserve all this?
I know those questions will never be answered, and as for now, I just want to die and get life over with. Sure if I were faced with a gun to my head by some masked-murderer right now , I'd be begging for my life. Is that human nature, selfishness, or cowardice? Or maybe I'm just naivie and a hypocrite and don't really know anything about anything. Yeah, that's it.
I've just traveled 4,000 miles and this is all I can think about. To top it off, I'm nervous as all hell about tomorrow. There's just so many things to be worried about right now. I don't think my brain can handle all this. My fat body can't either.
I really don't know what to do. I'm alone, all my friends are scattered across the country. Life as I've known it for the past eighteen years has completely changed.