(no subject)
well, la dee dah.
here i am, stoned off my ass. i'm not really drunk, i had a couple beers. but i smoked a lot.
it's funny too. i feel ashamed at myself for writing that i had been given "a second chance." i mean, i guess i was given a second chance, but i am turning it into shit right now. because i'm torturing myself and on top of that, covering it up with marijuana and alcohol. but IS THERE REALLY ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?!
i mean, what would i be honestly doing now otherwise? beating myself, cutting, whatever. i already cut tonight though. i've been doing it again and i've missed it so much and nobody here knows except for the shrinks who don't and can't do anything about it.
it's my secret. it's all mine.
so everyone is so desperate for some attention form the opposite sex, people are jsut becoming really seflish and trying to look better, be funnier, be cooler than the next persn, only to fill this little desire to feel like they're the shit.
i think i need it more though. or else i'm just the only one who'se truthful about it. i don't even know.
today i thoguht aboutballet and how much of my life i dedicated to it. i honestly thought at one point, that i could be a part of a company. HA. LITERALLY, FAT CHANCE! whatever i really don't know what o do anymore so i'm just going to go to sleep.
i only have one class tomorrrow but it's at noon and it's only for an hour. i don't have work either which is cool. i just hope than i'm happier tomorrow than i am right now. right now i feel pretty lousy.
so that's basically what i wanted to say. basically, what i wanted to say to no one. because this is only for me. i'd actually feel bad if anyone took this seriously; it's fucking pathetic. i let myself be pathetic and i tink that makes the situation even worse.
my biggest fear is loneliness. but a certain kind of loneliness that just isn't the absence of piople. but i must feel as thought i'm happy around these people.
today in a spectial letcutre tonight, (it was realyl crowdied given the circumstances of who the guy was and how small a room we had."
holy shit i can't believe it's only 1:22. yeyuh.....
back to my stor. i dont' want to end up alone, still hating myself, for not being happy. i dont' really know how much we have control over it. but i just wish it wasn't so hard to be happy. it seems as though you're either happy or you don't. i think i fall itnto the dont category unfortunately.
okay ime falling asleep so i think i am going to be dnow. i'm so sorry for this. i don't even think i would be able to face this the next time i log uon under this username. it's utterly embarrassing.
here i am, stoned off my ass. i'm not really drunk, i had a couple beers. but i smoked a lot.
it's funny too. i feel ashamed at myself for writing that i had been given "a second chance." i mean, i guess i was given a second chance, but i am turning it into shit right now. because i'm torturing myself and on top of that, covering it up with marijuana and alcohol. but IS THERE REALLY ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?!
i mean, what would i be honestly doing now otherwise? beating myself, cutting, whatever. i already cut tonight though. i've been doing it again and i've missed it so much and nobody here knows except for the shrinks who don't and can't do anything about it.
it's my secret. it's all mine.
so everyone is so desperate for some attention form the opposite sex, people are jsut becoming really seflish and trying to look better, be funnier, be cooler than the next persn, only to fill this little desire to feel like they're the shit.
i think i need it more though. or else i'm just the only one who'se truthful about it. i don't even know.
today i thoguht aboutballet and how much of my life i dedicated to it. i honestly thought at one point, that i could be a part of a company. HA. LITERALLY, FAT CHANCE! whatever i really don't know what o do anymore so i'm just going to go to sleep.
i only have one class tomorrrow but it's at noon and it's only for an hour. i don't have work either which is cool. i just hope than i'm happier tomorrow than i am right now. right now i feel pretty lousy.
so that's basically what i wanted to say. basically, what i wanted to say to no one. because this is only for me. i'd actually feel bad if anyone took this seriously; it's fucking pathetic. i let myself be pathetic and i tink that makes the situation even worse.
my biggest fear is loneliness. but a certain kind of loneliness that just isn't the absence of piople. but i must feel as thought i'm happy around these people.
today in a spectial letcutre tonight, (it was realyl crowdied given the circumstances of who the guy was and how small a room we had."
holy shit i can't believe it's only 1:22. yeyuh.....
back to my stor. i dont' want to end up alone, still hating myself, for not being happy. i dont' really know how much we have control over it. but i just wish it wasn't so hard to be happy. it seems as though you're either happy or you don't. i think i fall itnto the dont category unfortunately.
okay ime falling asleep so i think i am going to be dnow. i'm so sorry for this. i don't even think i would be able to face this the next time i log uon under this username. it's utterly embarrassing.