for reals this time
no one will read this
maybe a handful of the people on my friends list, MAYBE
and for once its not because they dont liiike me or we dont hang ouut or no one comments
its just like,
who the fuck uses livejournal anymore?
myspace ate (and subsequently decomposed) us
wait htat didnt make sense
no, nevermind, it doesnt matter
i think im depressed
which is hte only time i write in this bullshit
i cuss more in this than i do in real life
i cuss more in my head that i do when i actually speak
it makes me feel at ease, i think its a stress releving thing
i promise i can spell, i just dont feel like correcting my typing right now
im working too much
i'll probably get fired and i dont care so much
traaaaaaaaapped
been taking exit-level taks all week so i've pretty much been absent for at least the first 2 or 3 periods of the day for a week
"well lisa, you passed the taks! you can graduate!- oh... oh wait. you failed all your classes... hm..."
i am running out of positivity
and my faith is farther and farther away from me
im always talking about god
and you know, that shit.
wait, wait,
_%#@(%flashbackflashbackflashback$%#(!@$(!)
"you call yourself a christian but you don't really follow christianity"
"sure i do"
"no, you really don't. do you follow the bible?"
"the bible was written by men.."
"in christianity it's supposed to be the teachings of jesus christ, and to follow it is to be a christian, and you don't"
"...........well thats true."
#@)(*$!(@*($!@flashforwaaaaaaaaaard
which is totally fine but id ont know.
you know?
i dont care about being a christian
but i have rituals
but these rituals are becoming few and far between, and somewhat hollow
for a while ive just been saying 'i think im getting depressed... ive been feeling kidn of depressed... i might be depresssed again.....' i will not say 'i am depressed. i need help.' which sounds like a commercial or something but i dont know if i wont accept it because
a) i truly dont think im depressed
b) i am usually somewhat depressed and cannot recognize a true depression
c) i dont want to deal with being depressed, becuase im too depressed to deal with anything
d) all of the above
well. i havent cut myself in a few months. yeah, only months. story.
i had a year or so going for me there, then i did it again
and i made myself feel sorry
but i wasnt. i was GUILTY but not sorry. i am never completely sorry. i feel bad and awful and horrible and mean and selfish for doing it but only because it hurts people who care for me. sometimes i want to take it back. i truly do. but im never totally remoreseful. i dont think i can be. i dont think i can regret something that works so well.
like drinking or binging when you feel like shit, you begin to depend on these things
you get addicted or whatever. addictive personality, tendancies.. whatever.
it will always be an easy answer. a very pretty idea. a very very ugly action. a clear ribbon of certainty, control, comfort. and pain. the stinging makes sense. the blood is logical. the flesh will regenerate itself. a little miracle that i set forth, that god made possible.
does that creep you out?
it doesnt creep me out right now, but like the things i paint, if i look back on it, i dont always look for too long.
i think its beautiful. the wya i think about it. i know its wrong. it svery basic idea: hurting oneself is not right. for that year of not harming myself with sharp objects (but i always resorted to scratching welts onto my arms) i lived by that princible. i sustained myself. "god did not give me this body to destroy and hurt."
oh lisa.
i dont know who to talk to
therapists cost money
boyfriend has his own shit, i try to be the positive one but, well if you just read this you know how that goes
friends are... pretty nonexistant.
i just dfont like talking to people about my shit. i dont like explaining myself, displaying myself. i get embaressed.
i confide in strangers
which reminds me,
the one person i can always talk to no matter what is a boy in florida
matt-wad
cause we used to be myspace-married (we even had a song, across the sea by weezer. cuuute), he knows so much about me. the last time i talked to him i thought it was his psychobitch girlfriend (a whole nother story) and he proved it was him by saying that when we would talk all the time, my favorite flowers were tulips and my favorite song was skylines & turnstiles by mcr
hes no competition for kelly, hes more like a best friend
and he can give me advice and deal with my shit and vice versa because he doesnt have to actually deal with my shit while dealing with his own the way kelly does, the distance is an advantage
and i communicate better when i type things out
im terrible at speaking to people about problems, i have to think it out.
and i get awkward when i'm physically around others and talking about private things...
i hope you can understand that this isn't weird
summary:
i MAY BE??? depressed
am weird
miss my best myspace friend
my heartstrings come undone/everything was white:demon hunter
much like falling:flyleaf
cemetary like a stage:norma jean
sister to sleep/this is the best day ever:mcr
maybe a handful of the people on my friends list, MAYBE
and for once its not because they dont liiike me or we dont hang ouut or no one comments
its just like,
who the fuck uses livejournal anymore?
myspace ate (and subsequently decomposed) us
wait htat didnt make sense
no, nevermind, it doesnt matter
i think im depressed
which is hte only time i write in this bullshit
i cuss more in this than i do in real life
i cuss more in my head that i do when i actually speak
it makes me feel at ease, i think its a stress releving thing
i promise i can spell, i just dont feel like correcting my typing right now
im working too much
i'll probably get fired and i dont care so much
traaaaaaaaapped
been taking exit-level taks all week so i've pretty much been absent for at least the first 2 or 3 periods of the day for a week
"well lisa, you passed the taks! you can graduate!- oh... oh wait. you failed all your classes... hm..."
i am running out of positivity
and my faith is farther and farther away from me
im always talking about god
and you know, that shit.
wait, wait,
_%#@(%flashbackflashbackflashback$%#(!@$(!)
"you call yourself a christian but you don't really follow christianity"
"sure i do"
"no, you really don't. do you follow the bible?"
"the bible was written by men.."
"in christianity it's supposed to be the teachings of jesus christ, and to follow it is to be a christian, and you don't"
"...........well thats true."
#@)(*$!(@*($!@flashforwaaaaaaaaaard
which is totally fine but id ont know.
you know?
i dont care about being a christian
but i have rituals
but these rituals are becoming few and far between, and somewhat hollow
for a while ive just been saying 'i think im getting depressed... ive been feeling kidn of depressed... i might be depresssed again.....' i will not say 'i am depressed. i need help.' which sounds like a commercial or something but i dont know if i wont accept it because
a) i truly dont think im depressed
b) i am usually somewhat depressed and cannot recognize a true depression
c) i dont want to deal with being depressed, becuase im too depressed to deal with anything
d) all of the above
well. i havent cut myself in a few months. yeah, only months. story.
i had a year or so going for me there, then i did it again
and i made myself feel sorry
but i wasnt. i was GUILTY but not sorry. i am never completely sorry. i feel bad and awful and horrible and mean and selfish for doing it but only because it hurts people who care for me. sometimes i want to take it back. i truly do. but im never totally remoreseful. i dont think i can be. i dont think i can regret something that works so well.
like drinking or binging when you feel like shit, you begin to depend on these things
you get addicted or whatever. addictive personality, tendancies.. whatever.
it will always be an easy answer. a very pretty idea. a very very ugly action. a clear ribbon of certainty, control, comfort. and pain. the stinging makes sense. the blood is logical. the flesh will regenerate itself. a little miracle that i set forth, that god made possible.
does that creep you out?
it doesnt creep me out right now, but like the things i paint, if i look back on it, i dont always look for too long.
i think its beautiful. the wya i think about it. i know its wrong. it svery basic idea: hurting oneself is not right. for that year of not harming myself with sharp objects (but i always resorted to scratching welts onto my arms) i lived by that princible. i sustained myself. "god did not give me this body to destroy and hurt."
oh lisa.
i dont know who to talk to
therapists cost money
boyfriend has his own shit, i try to be the positive one but, well if you just read this you know how that goes
friends are... pretty nonexistant.
i just dfont like talking to people about my shit. i dont like explaining myself, displaying myself. i get embaressed.
i confide in strangers
which reminds me,
the one person i can always talk to no matter what is a boy in florida
matt-wad
cause we used to be myspace-married (we even had a song, across the sea by weezer. cuuute), he knows so much about me. the last time i talked to him i thought it was his psychobitch girlfriend (a whole nother story) and he proved it was him by saying that when we would talk all the time, my favorite flowers were tulips and my favorite song was skylines & turnstiles by mcr
hes no competition for kelly, hes more like a best friend
and he can give me advice and deal with my shit and vice versa because he doesnt have to actually deal with my shit while dealing with his own the way kelly does, the distance is an advantage
and i communicate better when i type things out
im terrible at speaking to people about problems, i have to think it out.
and i get awkward when i'm physically around others and talking about private things...
i hope you can understand that this isn't weird
summary:
i MAY BE??? depressed
am weird
miss my best myspace friend
my heartstrings come undone/everything was white:demon hunter
much like falling:flyleaf
cemetary like a stage:norma jean
sister to sleep/this is the best day ever:mcr