(no subject)
home alone tonite....its kinda nice. it gives me time to think. i realized thats something i havent been doing lately....on purpose. sometimes you get those thoughts in your head that wont go away? well ive had a couple of those lately...and i just ddnt want to deal with them, mostly because it hurts...and im afraid of what i'll find out if i do sit and think them through. well...tonite im gonna think them through. the biggest and scariest is i think im falling for someone. for real. not just the aww your cute and you make me laugh kind of falling. the if i let myself do this i can really get hurt, not just sort of hurt kind of falling. its been happening for a while. and i knew it was...but i ddnt want to deal with it, BUT my thoughts of him, and how i feel keep coming back, faster and faster each time i put them out of my head. he is honestly amazing....in the way that sometimes i hate him, and sometimes i cant get enough of him. he is so flawed but i love it. and he gets me. like really honestly gets me. he doesnt just pretend he knows me, he really really knows me. hes seen the worst of me and the best of me and everything in between. he knows exactly what makes me laugh and what makes me cry. he knows all of my insecurites and all of my aspirations. he knows me better than i know me. and it scares me so. bad. i used to think that all i wanted was another relationship like the one i had with ryan. i wanted that kind of love and commitment again. because, cmon, its me...complete hopeless romantic and commitment addict. but i realized that i'm so scared of commitment now. the possibility of getting hurt again, or getting that close to someone and giving them that much of me, then losing it blows my mind. i couldnt take that again. and the thought of losing him now is unbelievable...so imagine if i fell in love with him!? theres no way i could handle that. so i was laying on the couch with him the other day...and the first thought that came to my mind was wow...this could be so amazing...then i got this crazy feeling in my stomach, and realized that if i let myself get too close then im gonna lose him. because i will. no matter what i do. and he is the only person in my life that means so much to me that if i do lose him, i dont think i could ever trust anyone ever again. and maybe its dumb sitting here saying that im gonna lose him when we're the best we've ever been, but thats just it. i dont ever want wat we have to change, or be tainted, and im afraid it will, because it always does. im not as nieve as i was before. with ryan i thought that since we loved eachother so much that even if someday we werent together we'd still be close because he meant so much to me and i meant so much to him. look at us now. we dont even LOOK at eachother anymore. thats another thing that ive been thinking about. it just hurts that this is how it turned out. i feel like i failed somehow. i kno that there was alot between us and in the end most of it was not good, but the fact that he doesnt want anything to do with me hurts. maybe its better this way though, because it makes it easier for me to put the whole thing behind me. im not gonna lie, sometimes i miss him, and his smile and his laugh, but he isnt the same person he used to be, so i dont think i miss him, i think i miss who he was. and going back to what i said before. i want that so bad, what me and ryan had, but im so scared im going to get hurt again, and i cant. the thing is if bryan told me tonite that he wanted to be with me, i honestly dont know what i would say. normally i would be like of course, because my feelings for that kid are undescribable, but the possibility of losing him just scares me. i duno what to do...