(no subject)
I haven't really been updating because I've been trying to keep myself busy everyday and night. There's only 37 days left in my pregnancy. I can't wait to get my old life back. I've finally accepted that we will never be a family. I've also decided that the best thing will be to terminate my parental rights when the baby is born. I can't afford to have two kids right now. I also don't think I'm emotionally capable of doing it alone. Caden was different. It didn't kill me inside to know his father wasn't there with us. But, this baby is a constant reminder of Rob. Rob is really the only person I've ever loved and letting go is going to be hard enough. My dream is that he'll come back to me now that I'm taking Zoloft and he'll be a different person. He'll get a job and a car and we'll have our own apartment in a different state. I'd move to California if that's what he wanted. If we stay together I want us to have our own new life, away from CT and our families...or even just in a different part of CT. But, I doubt that will happen. It's just a dream. I love him to death. I always will and it sucks. If he doesn't come back to me I know it wasn't meant to be. But, I get this feeling that whenever he watches our anniversary present or thinks about that night at Branford Point, or even thinks about what he put me through that drove me to break, he'll forgive me and everything will be okay. I don't trust him in certain ways, and he doesn't trust me in some ways..but that can be rebuilt.