(no subject)
I keep getting upset, but then I remind myself that you were cheating on me. I don't care how much you deny it. YOU WERE. I'm not stupid. If you weren't, you would have just shown me your buddylist. I just need to keep reminding myself of what I no longer have to deal with now that you're gone. Such as:
1) Paying for us to go out, paying for your cigarettes, and paying for your food. I can only think of 2 times you took ME out. My birthday and Valentine's day. BOTH were in February. You didn't even take us out for our anniversary because you were too busy getting arrested for failing a drug test. Then, you get out and "make it up to me" by having ME pay for a hotel.
2) Being the only one with a car and always having to do the driving. I'd let you drive if I could trust you not to pull the e-brake and "drift" around corners. You're so lucky there were hoses to cushion the impact the time you almost killed us.
3) Dealing with your drug use that you deny. You don't do drugs, but you fail a urine test? Hmm.
4) You choosing to sell weed instead of considering my feelings.
5) Having you choose what hours I work.
6) Being cheated on.
7) Being lied to. (I know you weren't with Brian that day)
8) Your mother. (She can call the cops on you all she wants, never provide for you, and leave us stranded in Branford to walk around in the heat for hours..but God forbid I decide to go home in the middle of the night because you're screaming at me to leave. Oh, and let's not forget her refusing to bring me to the Emergency Room during an asthma attack or even letting me call my mother to have her bring me. I'm just glad I made it through the night and got to the ER just in time. Hopefully the baby has no damage due to the lack of oxygen while I was unable to breath.)
9) Listening to you complain that you never see Caden. It's funny though, because I can name hundreds of times where you ditched us for your friends. And as his "father", you would never do that. Now that I think of it, if you were his father you would have provided for him. Have you ever even changed his diaper?
10) You calling me crazy and telling me that I have a problem. Yelling at you when you push me, ridicule me, lie to me, and treat me like shit is not acting crazy. Having feelings is not acting crazy. I try to talk to you calmly like and adult and you still don't listen so sometimes I try yelling at you to express how upset I am. I figured that if you saw that something means a lot to me, you'd open your eyes and realize what's going on, but you're just too selfish to do something like that.
The only thing you did was love me and Caden, and even that I question. If you loved me, you would have kept your promises. You would have seen how upset I was getting, I mean if the tears didn't make it obvious the fact that I said "I'm begging you to do this one favor for me" should have been a dead give away. I know I've done my fair share of fucked up things. I know I've thrown away important things and pictures. I've screamed and cried. I've told you I hated you and said a lot of other horrible things. But only after you've attacked me over things and picked on me. Remember that time you broke up with me because instead of going straight home I bought a coffee and munchkins for Caden at Dunkin' Donuts first? I do, and I deserve a lot better than that.
IF YOU CHANGED I would spend the rest of my life with you. We'd be a family. All you need to do is get a job and help me pay for an apartment. All you need to do is go to therapy or counseling with me. All you need to do is realize you can't have everything your way. You need to give a little once in a while. You need to realize how much I kissed your ass and how you never did anything for me in return. I want you to quit smoking pot and doing whatever drug it is you're using. I want money, iPods, etc to stop going missing. I want the boy that told me he wanted to marry me that night we held each other in the cold for hours at Branford Point. I WANT THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. I want you to promise me you'll change, and mean it this time. I want you to be a father to Caden and the baby. I want you to fill out the baby book with me, and help me pick out a name. I want to fall asleep with you and wake up next to you for the rest of my life. But, only if you change. I know you can do it. I know you want things to work out with me. I'm telling you exactly what you need to do to have that happen. It's not t hat hard. I will wait for you while you're in jail to see if you learned anything. If you did, we will have a beautiful family. If you don't, I'll still have a beautiful family. But, you'll have to live with the fact that there are two little boys that call you Daddy and need you...and you won't be there. Think about how you felt without your father ever being there for you, and then losing him. Don't follow the same path as him. You deserve so much better. You are intelligent and amazing deep down inside. You just need to make a few changes. I know you. I know you want this as badly as I do. I know you don't hate me. I know you're going to understand why I did what I did, and forgive me. I know you love me with all your heart, and you'll never love anybody else. And I know I feel the same way as you do.
1) Paying for us to go out, paying for your cigarettes, and paying for your food. I can only think of 2 times you took ME out. My birthday and Valentine's day. BOTH were in February. You didn't even take us out for our anniversary because you were too busy getting arrested for failing a drug test. Then, you get out and "make it up to me" by having ME pay for a hotel.
2) Being the only one with a car and always having to do the driving. I'd let you drive if I could trust you not to pull the e-brake and "drift" around corners. You're so lucky there were hoses to cushion the impact the time you almost killed us.
3) Dealing with your drug use that you deny. You don't do drugs, but you fail a urine test? Hmm.
4) You choosing to sell weed instead of considering my feelings.
5) Having you choose what hours I work.
6) Being cheated on.
7) Being lied to. (I know you weren't with Brian that day)
8) Your mother. (She can call the cops on you all she wants, never provide for you, and leave us stranded in Branford to walk around in the heat for hours..but God forbid I decide to go home in the middle of the night because you're screaming at me to leave. Oh, and let's not forget her refusing to bring me to the Emergency Room during an asthma attack or even letting me call my mother to have her bring me. I'm just glad I made it through the night and got to the ER just in time. Hopefully the baby has no damage due to the lack of oxygen while I was unable to breath.)
9) Listening to you complain that you never see Caden. It's funny though, because I can name hundreds of times where you ditched us for your friends. And as his "father", you would never do that. Now that I think of it, if you were his father you would have provided for him. Have you ever even changed his diaper?
10) You calling me crazy and telling me that I have a problem. Yelling at you when you push me, ridicule me, lie to me, and treat me like shit is not acting crazy. Having feelings is not acting crazy. I try to talk to you calmly like and adult and you still don't listen so sometimes I try yelling at you to express how upset I am. I figured that if you saw that something means a lot to me, you'd open your eyes and realize what's going on, but you're just too selfish to do something like that.
The only thing you did was love me and Caden, and even that I question. If you loved me, you would have kept your promises. You would have seen how upset I was getting, I mean if the tears didn't make it obvious the fact that I said "I'm begging you to do this one favor for me" should have been a dead give away. I know I've done my fair share of fucked up things. I know I've thrown away important things and pictures. I've screamed and cried. I've told you I hated you and said a lot of other horrible things. But only after you've attacked me over things and picked on me. Remember that time you broke up with me because instead of going straight home I bought a coffee and munchkins for Caden at Dunkin' Donuts first? I do, and I deserve a lot better than that.
IF YOU CHANGED I would spend the rest of my life with you. We'd be a family. All you need to do is get a job and help me pay for an apartment. All you need to do is go to therapy or counseling with me. All you need to do is realize you can't have everything your way. You need to give a little once in a while. You need to realize how much I kissed your ass and how you never did anything for me in return. I want you to quit smoking pot and doing whatever drug it is you're using. I want money, iPods, etc to stop going missing. I want the boy that told me he wanted to marry me that night we held each other in the cold for hours at Branford Point. I WANT THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. I want you to promise me you'll change, and mean it this time. I want you to be a father to Caden and the baby. I want you to fill out the baby book with me, and help me pick out a name. I want to fall asleep with you and wake up next to you for the rest of my life. But, only if you change. I know you can do it. I know you want things to work out with me. I'm telling you exactly what you need to do to have that happen. It's not t hat hard. I will wait for you while you're in jail to see if you learned anything. If you did, we will have a beautiful family. If you don't, I'll still have a beautiful family. But, you'll have to live with the fact that there are two little boys that call you Daddy and need you...and you won't be there. Think about how you felt without your father ever being there for you, and then losing him. Don't follow the same path as him. You deserve so much better. You are intelligent and amazing deep down inside. You just need to make a few changes. I know you. I know you want this as badly as I do. I know you don't hate me. I know you're going to understand why I did what I did, and forgive me. I know you love me with all your heart, and you'll never love anybody else. And I know I feel the same way as you do.