that thing people do around the new year
It's hard to not get retrospective upon the new year. I remember writing many entries about what I took from the past year and what I hope for the new one. I find the need to find a joke somewhere in there but there really isn't one. It has never been about making empty promises, like going to the gym and changing my diet (two things that I should consider doing though). Writing about the past year was always just a nice way of reminding myself that even the smallest accomplishment was exactly that, an accomplishment. So here we go, for old times sake.
It is the second day of 2015 and I have spent the entire day cleaning my apartment. My apartment. It is small but ample and most importantly mine. I bought the couch I am sitting on, I bought the tv that the couch faces, and everything else that is in the apartment. This is probaly my biggest accomplishment to date. I hate my job, loathe it would be more accurate, but it helps me pay my rent on time which I have been for the past 5 months that I have been living here. I need to give myself more credit for this. It is so easy to stay at home with my parents and have all the amenities that goes with living there. But 27 turns into 30 quicker then I'd like it to and who still wants to be living with their parents at 30?
I don't live alone. I am in my longest relationship to date with someone who I can bravely say is the love of my life. I think its brave to say that because you are putting all your eggs into his one basket but so far, I haven't had to clean any shells off the floor. He is wonderful and he is terrible but so am I. I hope to maybe reach out and get some professional help in this new year. These demons I have been carrying on my back is a load I'd love to take off. I know it would help my relationship. I am such a specific kind of crazy, sometimes I can't believe he sticks around to see it all unravel. He, however, is not without his own demons. He is terrible around my friends, he manages his money poorly which leaves alot of the burden on me, and the thought of him leaving me is a thought that is never too far away but that could be more of my own issues then his. But he is here, open armed to me, in a way that no one else has. I look at him right now and his looking at me type with a smile on his face because he knows as much as I do that this is an outlet for me. It has always been an outlet for me. To write it out means to get it out and if I can see it then I can focus on it and nothing gives me more strength then putting all the words together. I had lost that somewhere. I don't have an answer as to why I stopped writing. I never do have an answer for that. It just becomes another burden sometimes. But if I have any "new years resolution" it is to get back to writing. If its good or bad or riddled with grammatical errors, I need to start putting it down again.
I always love my parents more when I am farther away from them. Reading that sounds horrible but its not totally meant that way. It's just easier to miss and appreciate them with the distance between us. The same does and doesn't go for my friends. I am not an easy friend to have. I will grow distant not because of them but because I feel like I should beat them to that punch. I try too hard to be mellow, to have some funny retort ready, to be thought of as cool. In the end it makes me disingenuous and rude. I could have wonderful friendships because all my friends are wonderful but I don't because I rather them not get to close to me. I hate any and all one on one situations if they are not with my boyfriend. I will be awkward because I can't fucking help it and it sucks. I hope to right those wrongs though. I hope that I get the opportunity to show them. That's why I get so mad at Giancarlo for being an asshole around them. They, in actuality, came first. They never miss a birthday, or an event that is in regards to me. They have never failed to support me in whatever crazy or not crazy endeavor I have presented them with. Years of this. And he can't seem to respect them enough to be nice or muster energy enough to fake it. This rant does not belong in here though, so for now I will leave it be. This is not about the things I cannot change. This is about the things that I will.
I can't be a waitress forever. It hurts my soul to even fathom it. Another thing I will leave for another time.
I used to write about wanting love and independence upon the upcoming years and I can safely say that I, for the most part, have those things. So now I hope to have more success and inner peace. I hope to be kinder and grow wiser and be brave enough to face the obstacles that scare me into complacency. I will write and write and write like everyone is reading even if no one really is, in hopes that I will find my path hidden among my own words. I hope..I hope..I hope....
It is the second day of 2015 and I have spent the entire day cleaning my apartment. My apartment. It is small but ample and most importantly mine. I bought the couch I am sitting on, I bought the tv that the couch faces, and everything else that is in the apartment. This is probaly my biggest accomplishment to date. I hate my job, loathe it would be more accurate, but it helps me pay my rent on time which I have been for the past 5 months that I have been living here. I need to give myself more credit for this. It is so easy to stay at home with my parents and have all the amenities that goes with living there. But 27 turns into 30 quicker then I'd like it to and who still wants to be living with their parents at 30?
I don't live alone. I am in my longest relationship to date with someone who I can bravely say is the love of my life. I think its brave to say that because you are putting all your eggs into his one basket but so far, I haven't had to clean any shells off the floor. He is wonderful and he is terrible but so am I. I hope to maybe reach out and get some professional help in this new year. These demons I have been carrying on my back is a load I'd love to take off. I know it would help my relationship. I am such a specific kind of crazy, sometimes I can't believe he sticks around to see it all unravel. He, however, is not without his own demons. He is terrible around my friends, he manages his money poorly which leaves alot of the burden on me, and the thought of him leaving me is a thought that is never too far away but that could be more of my own issues then his. But he is here, open armed to me, in a way that no one else has. I look at him right now and his looking at me type with a smile on his face because he knows as much as I do that this is an outlet for me. It has always been an outlet for me. To write it out means to get it out and if I can see it then I can focus on it and nothing gives me more strength then putting all the words together. I had lost that somewhere. I don't have an answer as to why I stopped writing. I never do have an answer for that. It just becomes another burden sometimes. But if I have any "new years resolution" it is to get back to writing. If its good or bad or riddled with grammatical errors, I need to start putting it down again.
I always love my parents more when I am farther away from them. Reading that sounds horrible but its not totally meant that way. It's just easier to miss and appreciate them with the distance between us. The same does and doesn't go for my friends. I am not an easy friend to have. I will grow distant not because of them but because I feel like I should beat them to that punch. I try too hard to be mellow, to have some funny retort ready, to be thought of as cool. In the end it makes me disingenuous and rude. I could have wonderful friendships because all my friends are wonderful but I don't because I rather them not get to close to me. I hate any and all one on one situations if they are not with my boyfriend. I will be awkward because I can't fucking help it and it sucks. I hope to right those wrongs though. I hope that I get the opportunity to show them. That's why I get so mad at Giancarlo for being an asshole around them. They, in actuality, came first. They never miss a birthday, or an event that is in regards to me. They have never failed to support me in whatever crazy or not crazy endeavor I have presented them with. Years of this. And he can't seem to respect them enough to be nice or muster energy enough to fake it. This rant does not belong in here though, so for now I will leave it be. This is not about the things I cannot change. This is about the things that I will.
I can't be a waitress forever. It hurts my soul to even fathom it. Another thing I will leave for another time.
I used to write about wanting love and independence upon the upcoming years and I can safely say that I, for the most part, have those things. So now I hope to have more success and inner peace. I hope to be kinder and grow wiser and be brave enough to face the obstacles that scare me into complacency. I will write and write and write like everyone is reading even if no one really is, in hopes that I will find my path hidden among my own words. I hope..I hope..I hope....