i bet no one will read this all.
hi. first thing i ate this morning was some chocolate. yup. i had a really strange dream last night. i'm shit scurred if one certain part of it actually happens in reality. i think there is something wrong with my eye. i'm always hungry, but i don't eat that much. i know why. i seem to be losing weight at quite some speed. i want to be really skinny like i used to be. not like i'm overweight. at all. i just always liked being like that. i'm obsessed with this narni yogurt-stuff. it's so good. when i woke up this morning i had a disgusting taste in my mouth. it was so gross..i was nearly sick. nice. i cleaned my teeth, and accidentally scratched myself, and there was blood everywhere. i was a bit scurred. i'm obsessed with blood. yeah i don't care if that's odd. and somewhat obsessed with most things that are red. that includes just the uh..colour. i obsess over too many things. i can't help it. i hate myself. the only things i like about my physical self is my eyes and my lips...my fingers too. haha. i'm worried that sometimes i look a bit masculine. i talk about myself WAY too much and i know it pisses people off sooo much. but at the moment i don't care, because i'm going to continue with this. i love gory gruesome stuff. at the moment i'm drawing something on photoshop..it's a chinesy/japanese girl with the bottom half of her body severed off. nice :).DISTANCE. I HATE IT. more than you know. i talk to myself lots. it freaks people out. yup. it's funny. i hardly ever wash my hair, and i never brush it. i want to be taking photos all the time.i love mess and untidiness. i can't stand everything being all perfect and neat. it just doesn't seem right to me. but though, i still have to have things a certain way. at school i was bullied for being short, and for being so quiet. it seemed people hated me for some reason. yeah, so that's why i've never really had any "proper" friends. people copied me a lot. my shoes, my hair..etc. they said i was "sad &unfashionable"...or whatever...yet they copied what i wore. what's with that? i was/am just being myself. people couldn't understand why i was always getting detentions and shit like that. it was because i rebelled. but not in the "normal" way. haha..fun times. once i got hit in the face by a football. and a cricket ball. basket ball...all sorts. i'm that person that always gets hit by those things, that falls over all the time and walks into things. i rarely spoke at all (still the same now) but often if i did..it was to say "fuck you" or something like that. i am nice. as if you hadn't guessed by now, i'm unbelievably shy. no one ever spoke to me at school [only really to tease me :\ ]. i spent most of my time at the millions of schools i went to (we moved lots) in the library. hah, yeah. loner. loser. i always loved..and still do..to read..so i guess in a way that was fine with me that i was always there. i nearly always had my hair over my eyes (still do) so that people wouldn't notice me. i'm a bitch. i'm nice. too nice. i confuse myself. and other people. and they confuse me too. i can be really goddamn slow. i also can be "fast and witty". or so it's said. apparently i'm "really funny". that's good. i like that i can make people laugh..or at least smile. : ) . but sometimes i don't know what to say, and i feel really awkward and say something funny. bad idea. and then i feel even more awkward. a lot of what i say is totally pointless and/or random. people don't "get it" and it kinda annoys me. at the same time i find it funny because they think "oh em gee, laura's such a weirdo"...uh-huh. i find a lot of people don't "get" me. oh well. i'm not gonna change for anyone, just to be normal and fit in. fuuuuuuck no. i'll only change if it's for what i see best, not anyone else. am i psycic? i don't know. maybe. i used to have dreams about this person that i didn't know, and i kind of know them now. they are strangely like that person in my dream. it's odd. i lie too much. i am also am really honest and truthful. :\. i realise that the only friends that i've had, that i've got on with and had stuff in common with, etc, have been boys. eh. i'm embarrassed to say though, that i've never had a boyfriend. ever. lots of "boys that are friends" but that's it. that kinda bothers me, but it also doesn't. oh well. i remember there was this boy once, he used to chase me around and hit me...and he pushed me off a wall once...he always tried to scare me, and etc etc. i always kicked him whenever i saw him, so it was all good. this was all when i was about 9/10, haah. memories, aahh. (here i could go on FOREVER about a million memories of a million things, but i won't).um. i dribble and drool when i sleep. i like to sleep on my stomach, with my hair wrapped around my fingers. i never have my bedroom lights on. and it's so dark outside i don't shut my curtains, and i often sit there and look at the stars. i cry myself to sleep alot. i did last night. i spend way too much time in my room. i don't do anything in there but sleep, cry, listen to music, etc. quite often i find myself on the floor, curled up in a ball shivering and shaking. oh yeah, nice. i have really shit scurry, and really fucking disturbing thoughts. alot. i mean a thousand times worse that the scariest weirdest film/whatever you've seen. i don't tell anybody about them, because ...well, it's/they are just too fucked up. i'm scared of mirrors at night-time. i'm not going to say why. before i go to bed ..i don't know when this started, but i have to turn around two/three times. and if i think there's something there, i think if i don't look, then i'm gonna die or something. yes, fucking stupid, i know. i think way too much at night. it really scares me. i think that's why i don't like to sleep at night, rather in the day. plus i like the night anyway. night > day times a million. if i'm up all night, and i'm talking to someone in the morning or whatever, i'm so hyper and change subjects far too rapidly. quite often i'll go for walks by myself in the dark. even though this isn't exactly the safest of places to do that. i wish i had someone to do that with. would be fun. i have no life. at all. none. that sucks, and i fucking suck. i don't have one single friend here, i have no one to talk to, and i've lost contact with the people in england that i used to know. i think you can see why i feel so lonely all the time. it's entirely my fault tho. i hate that if you say to someone " i love you" they always seem to think that you mean "in love". there's quite a few people that i love sooo much, from the bottom of my heart, and i don't know what i'd do without them, but does that mean i'm in love with them? no. i hate that some people are really fucking stupid, dumb, ignorant...blah blah blah. it just really pisses me off. i don't know why it bothers me so much. i also hate people that think they know everything, think they're always right, all that stuff. that's what my sister is like, hah. um. i eat really messily, and i don't care. i'm always burning my food, i guess because i get distracted easily. it kinda sucks. i don't get why some people say the things about me that they do. i really don't get it. if they knew me, i mean really knew me, i'm sure that they wouldn't ever say things like that. i think it's weird that no one here knows anything about me, but people i don't actually know, know more about me than anyone i've ever known. (haha, did that make sense?) i think that is partly due to who i feel i can trust. those people that i do, feel lucky, because i trust few people. art art art art art art art art. i love art with all my heart. all or most forms of it. anything remotely arty you can think of, it goes in that category. yes, that includes music. i love being cheesy, and when others are cheesy. hee hee. i remember once at school we had to do a talk about what we got for christmas. um. that year i got more or less nothing. yeah, we're poor. it didn't bother me anyway. but it was so embarrassing. everyone was talking about all the thousands of things they got ..and there i was talking about ...nothing much, hah. i'm glad i'm not a person that's all about possessions and money. those six months at that place were probably the worst of my life so far. a few of you kind of know why. mhm. man i love the piano in this song. and the song itself. and everything. how can you not dance to this?. woooo. :D "all that is offered is going to break 'cause i want so much more than it can ever take". ever since i first heard it, i've been in love with a certain thriiiice song. you know the one. thricey thricey thrice. i love them so much. one of my top three faves, for sure. i've discovered some people really have a way of getting on your mind. not in a annoying way, hah. in general i'm really unhappy. but believe it or not, i am a positive person, and i know i can get out of all this shit. i wish someone was here to help, but i can get through it myself. i think. i hope. i always wonder when people say nice stuff to me, that they "care" and stuff..i always wonder if they mean it or if they're just saying it. but i have a certain weakness of believing everything that some people say. ..i can't really explain it. people round here are so pervy. not in an..haha..um..okay way. but in a pervy pervy ew way. uh-huh. i love veggie burgers so much. they're just so great. haha yes. ice creams. hahah, it still makes me laugh<444. i want to travel sooo much. i will. someday. somehow. i'm shit at drawing, but i still love doing it. i love that i always thought the opposite of most of the values that were forced upon me. i like to think for myself. i like to make up words. i have a really bad headache. i'm really cold. i want a hug. i've edited this a hundred times. (not literally). i could go on forever and ever with all of this stuff. i've said "me" "i" and etc, way too much now. so i'm gonna shup.
bye<4.
edit-fuck. my gran hates me. damn i've been so fucking uncaring.