(no subject)
maybe all these things that I think are wrong with me aren't really so wrong. maybe I just think they're all these huge mistakes that I really have to fix before Jesus comes back. because what I'm so afraid of is His coming back, or me dying, and Him having to tell me that I really wasn't living the life. that I was one of this "christians" that just think they're a christian. I'm afraid that I'm too timid to do anything, but I speak as if I were to have it down. I find comfort in many things: in clothes, in people, in my talents, in leaving this place and doing what I'm supposed to be doing when I'm supposed to be doing it. but do I find comfort in Him? I find comfort in Him bringing me comfort in other things, like sending a nice friend along for me to talk to. but when it comes to me sitting on my floor or in my bed and I have to ask from some comfort straight from His heart into mine, do I recieve it? I'm not sure. I know that the Lord gives gladly and willingly, and in much abundance, but why does it seem that I cannot receive such blessing? how I long for the Lord-to know Him in ways that are so far from me-in ways that I can't seem to grasp or recieve. "will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth: by the third crow of the rooster, you will have betrayed me three times." I feel like that's what He's holding over me all the time: "will you really die for me? do you really love me?" and I seem to have this notion that when I'm gone from this place and on the road into adult hood, everything's going to be easier. not with dealing with life necessarily, but with God. that when I'm on that road, then everything that's all skewed all over on the curbs, it'll all be in line. I know that's not actually true though. but I do have these few hopes: that God is speaking to others about me; that there is a plan; that He has this all in His hands, and that every prayer that I've prayed for myself will be answered; that where I am right at this moment is where I'm supposed to be; that I have a couple of the most amazing people that have ever lived in my life, and it's truly an honor for me to know them; that He'll never leave me nor forsake me; that I will never be able to know the fullness of His grace because it is so wide, deep, and long. so if it is as such, then what I've been experiencing isn't a hault of grace and mercy; and it's all going to be alright. thank the Lord that we have nothing good in ourselves to offer to Him; thank the Lord that He does everything that He requires of us; thank the Lord that I live here in america where I have so many opportunities; thank the Lord that I've been born into this generation, where I have a bigger purpose than I can see. thank the Lord that He has great compassion on those who have a fearing heart. so what else shall I say? should I speak on my desires and what is laid ahead of me? or this wonderful new postal service album; the nice weather and how it helped my mood for a little while and branch off into how conditional we are or of being so excited about going to utah for spring break and branch off on to how I'm so superficial? I guess I'll just end it here.
so don't be afraid, little flock, for it gives your Father great happiness to give you the kingdom.
luke twelve:thirtytwo