Seriously
Lately, I've been so ridiculously stressed out. It's not even funny. End of Junior year is approaching, and what did I do? I fucked it up. The most important year and I messed up. I hated my Bio class all year, but I still could have put in so much more effort. I mean, freshmen beating me on EVERY test? And even their grade averages? By like, 20 points? That's kinda ridiculous. My overall average has decreased like, 10 points. Not really, maybe 5. Still. I'm sitting here, grounded, with no phone. I should be at the Square. No, I should be studying for my finals. But I know I'm going to fail Math B. Everyone fails Math B. I'll probably end up doing really bad on my US and Bio, too. I don't understand anything in Bio, and I don't remember anything in US. I mean, I say I don't care anymore... But I really do. This year depends on where I go to college. I didn't do TOO bad on my SAT's but I could have done better. I have my ACT's next Saturday. They're not as important, but I'm still nervous.
I still don't have a job. I feel like I have no opportunities, I have no license and every place is like, 15 minutes away at least. I probably really need to get my license. I'm almost 17. Everyone in my Driver's Ed car already has their license. I bet Adam will get his before I do, and he just ended DE today. Speaking of him......Ugh. He's so ridiculous. I know, I know. I've been saying that basically since the day I met him. But he is. I wonder if he even cares that we haven't talked all week. Probably not. I mean, Marre is coming back, so why does he need me? He doesn't. He's happier without me. That weekend.. that was one of the most amazing times I've ever spent with someone. So much fun, so little time. I remember every detail of that weekend. I was smiling every minute I was with him, and even after. He was perfect, it was perfect. And now I'm suffering the consequences, in more than one way. Which I won't get into. Ughh, depression here I come. I hope it isn't true...
Besides being completely in over my head and fed up with school, I'm fed up with boys. Actually, not just boys, everyone. Every single person seems to bother me lately. I mean, it could be just stuff going on with my life, and inside my body, but.. they shouldn't frustrate me so much. Honestly. I don't know why I'm so upset all the time. I mean I have a clue but...
Clay. Finally someone I have a connection with, and who actually wants to date me. Yeah, look what's happening with that. Oh, nothing! I mean.. it seemed like we were finally going somewhere and then my phone had to break. He won't answer when I call him, anyway. I don't know. I just have so much fun with him, and I'm so happy being around him, and being in his arms. Maybe I just like the idea of having someone. It's so different, hearing that someone wants to date me rather than just get me naked. That probably makes me sound like a big whore, but whatever. Everyone already thinks I am anyway. Big fat slut. They say I probably have STD's, they wouldn't be surprised if I did. I've only had sex with 4 people. Come on, I'm a teenager. We make mistakes, sometimes really big ones. I guess I've made a few really big ones. I just want him to want me. I want to be wanted and loved. I want to be the girl on his mind he thinks about constantly. I'm already the background on his phone, I guess what else can I ask for? I know I'm not ready for a relationship. I still really love Adam. I'll always love him. I'll always want to be with him. I don't think I can be comfortable dating Clay until I see Adam again, or atleast until I'm over him. Clay doesn't even want to be officially boyfriend/girlfriend though, just "dating unofficially. more than friends, not seeing anyone else, but not in an official relationship." What the fuck? But maybe that's what I want to. No, i want closure. I want assurance. I want to know that we're in it for each other, we're together. I don't even knoww.
I know I'm writing a novel, but I just need to get everything out. I've gained so much weight. Ok, only 3 pounds. But it feels like 10. I feel so fat. I feel so self-conscience. I just want to be cute and skinny again. I don't care if I don't have boobs or my thighs are too big. I want my stomach to be little. I want my hip bones to pop out so far and be bony again. I want to be sexy, and pretty. Hot, and beautiful. I want to be with Connor again. He's the only boy I ever felt so comfortable with. I miss him. I miss him so much, so much about him I wish I could have again. If I hadn't fucked that up too. I always wonder what would have happened if we hadn't broken up yet. If we'd stayed together. 11 1/2 months, I couldn't have waited another 2 weeks? I couldn't have stopped myself from cheating on him? Not once, not twice, four times. FOUR. Am I a slut or what? Why did I even do that? He meant everything to me. Sure, we fought. But only because we loved each other. Only because we were so deeply in love. He's the only boy I've ever been truly in love with. I wish he hadn't messed up his life with weed. I wish I could save him. I wish I could see him and kiss him and be with him. No, I don't. I don't know. Ugh.
Bottom line is, I don't know what to do. I don't know my feelings. I rely on the past. Will we ever stay together if all we have in common is a past? That's such a good line. I need to look to the future, and not depend on what happened before. Only what will happen ahead of me.
I still don't have a job. I feel like I have no opportunities, I have no license and every place is like, 15 minutes away at least. I probably really need to get my license. I'm almost 17. Everyone in my Driver's Ed car already has their license. I bet Adam will get his before I do, and he just ended DE today. Speaking of him......Ugh. He's so ridiculous. I know, I know. I've been saying that basically since the day I met him. But he is. I wonder if he even cares that we haven't talked all week. Probably not. I mean, Marre is coming back, so why does he need me? He doesn't. He's happier without me. That weekend.. that was one of the most amazing times I've ever spent with someone. So much fun, so little time. I remember every detail of that weekend. I was smiling every minute I was with him, and even after. He was perfect, it was perfect. And now I'm suffering the consequences, in more than one way. Which I won't get into. Ughh, depression here I come. I hope it isn't true...
Besides being completely in over my head and fed up with school, I'm fed up with boys. Actually, not just boys, everyone. Every single person seems to bother me lately. I mean, it could be just stuff going on with my life, and inside my body, but.. they shouldn't frustrate me so much. Honestly. I don't know why I'm so upset all the time. I mean I have a clue but...
Clay. Finally someone I have a connection with, and who actually wants to date me. Yeah, look what's happening with that. Oh, nothing! I mean.. it seemed like we were finally going somewhere and then my phone had to break. He won't answer when I call him, anyway. I don't know. I just have so much fun with him, and I'm so happy being around him, and being in his arms. Maybe I just like the idea of having someone. It's so different, hearing that someone wants to date me rather than just get me naked. That probably makes me sound like a big whore, but whatever. Everyone already thinks I am anyway. Big fat slut. They say I probably have STD's, they wouldn't be surprised if I did. I've only had sex with 4 people. Come on, I'm a teenager. We make mistakes, sometimes really big ones. I guess I've made a few really big ones. I just want him to want me. I want to be wanted and loved. I want to be the girl on his mind he thinks about constantly. I'm already the background on his phone, I guess what else can I ask for? I know I'm not ready for a relationship. I still really love Adam. I'll always love him. I'll always want to be with him. I don't think I can be comfortable dating Clay until I see Adam again, or atleast until I'm over him. Clay doesn't even want to be officially boyfriend/girlfriend though, just "dating unofficially. more than friends, not seeing anyone else, but not in an official relationship." What the fuck? But maybe that's what I want to. No, i want closure. I want assurance. I want to know that we're in it for each other, we're together. I don't even knoww.
I know I'm writing a novel, but I just need to get everything out. I've gained so much weight. Ok, only 3 pounds. But it feels like 10. I feel so fat. I feel so self-conscience. I just want to be cute and skinny again. I don't care if I don't have boobs or my thighs are too big. I want my stomach to be little. I want my hip bones to pop out so far and be bony again. I want to be sexy, and pretty. Hot, and beautiful. I want to be with Connor again. He's the only boy I ever felt so comfortable with. I miss him. I miss him so much, so much about him I wish I could have again. If I hadn't fucked that up too. I always wonder what would have happened if we hadn't broken up yet. If we'd stayed together. 11 1/2 months, I couldn't have waited another 2 weeks? I couldn't have stopped myself from cheating on him? Not once, not twice, four times. FOUR. Am I a slut or what? Why did I even do that? He meant everything to me. Sure, we fought. But only because we loved each other. Only because we were so deeply in love. He's the only boy I've ever been truly in love with. I wish he hadn't messed up his life with weed. I wish I could save him. I wish I could see him and kiss him and be with him. No, I don't. I don't know. Ugh.
Bottom line is, I don't know what to do. I don't know my feelings. I rely on the past. Will we ever stay together if all we have in common is a past? That's such a good line. I need to look to the future, and not depend on what happened before. Only what will happen ahead of me.