emotional vomit.
...I"m not sure where/why/how/whatever i"m going to start this. I've just too many thoughts over flowing right now....and I don't think I can handle it much longer.
I worked at broadway again today. brmph. i freakin hate it there. and hate doesn't even cover how much i hate it. I wish it would spontaniously combust. just so I wouldn't have to go there ever again. it's the worst ever. I don't get along with the people there. they make me feel incompetent and unappriciated. so. in living up[down] to thier expectations......I have slacked off at work quite a bit. I don't.give.a.shit. the end. so why should I work hard for people who just treat me like i'm a dumbass. that's bad. and I shouldn't do that, but like i said. I'm to a point. where I don't give a shit what they think about me. I mean if my manager people hear bad things about me from this one store......and not bad things about me from every other store I work in.....they'll see the problem is store associated....and hopefully won't put me there....hahahaha. no. the'll put me there reguardless. they don't care. I got a call on sunday while I was working in moutlake terrace....from the district manager....asking for the tech from lynwood's phone number....because he'd not shown up at work and it was like already 45 min into the shift.....there's no consequences for that. I don't understand how they can do that. *shakes head*....but if there's no consequences for that......then who cares if I slack off at this wreched store. that's right. no one. brmph. screw it.
moving on.
fresno was such fun. I miss those times so. it's kinda sad that I have to work so hard just to do the things I want to do. go the places I want to go. see the things I want to see. maybe i'm just materialistic.
or shallow.
which brings me to another subject. why is it....that the only guys who show interest in me are either not interested in like....a real actual every day realtionship...or they're raging assholes? seriously though. I hung out with a guy.....and he was one of the most horrid people I've ever met. I'd not felt that lowly of myself since like....billy. and he kept asking about billy, so it was just as bad.....him and billy should get together. they're perfect for each other. fuckers. he told me I was shallow. he told me my photography was shallow and too comercialized. he talked to me like I was a complete idiot. and he'd ask me something, I'd just like...not say anything cause I didn't even want to talk to him[my mom gets so pissed when I do that to her].....and then he's like "why does it take you so long to anwser a question"....like i"m retarded or something....hmm.....cause I don't want to talk to you. cause every time I open my mouth. you tell me how dumb I am....of course I didn't say that, cause I don't have the guts to say something like that....but then if hes reading it now. it's just as bad. whatever. I hope he reads this. he went on and on and on about how he'd make a better boyfriend than anyone else. but he called one of my [straight] friends "gay" because of his place of employment. I got a text and he asked me if it was my lover. called my crush "limpy" and kept refering about how he takes little blue pills[just fyi.....have you seen those? they're hardly little...]....he told me I should get a better job.....because apparently working at macy's is SO much better than working in a pharmacy...moron....he refered to one of my best friends as "the lezbo".....he said something about my dad "taking a dirt nap"....mother.fucker......I will cut him.....all he did was hurt my feelings, belittle me, and treat me like a lower life form.
I DON"T KNOW ABOUT YOU.
but for me.....the person who I....admire[if you will]....I want to make them so happy. I want them to know I think they're pretty much the most amazing person.......ever. I want them to know they're gorgeous. I want them to know I respect them. I want them to know I care about them. I want to make thier bad days not so bad. I want to build them up. I want them to know that they will make it. I want to make them feel like a better person. I want to make them smile. I want to give them butterfiles.
I don't want to tear them down. I don't want them to think they're ugly. I don't want to make fun of things they enjoy. I don't want to talk to them like they're an idiot. I don't want to change them.
...............especially just to make myself feel better about myself.........
that guy didn't grasp the concept. that when you make someone else feel good about themselves......it also makes you feel good. relationships....imo....aren't just about making yourself feel good, it's about building each other up.....and selflessly loving the other.
I KNOW this is possible. I've seen it-back when I had a mom and dad.
it was a story book family.
.....till the leukemia set in......
...why should I settle for less?
I shouldn't.
and I won't.
....hopefully...
it's just so hard to see your friends with signifigant others.
to see them getting married.[omg....tasha....that's crazy.]
and then be here....all alone.
like always.
I guess it's not that bad though. I just surround myself with my friends.....and forget about my singleness....well I don't supose I *forget* about it.....it just makes it less impending......it works. *shrugs*
....for now anyways.....
moving on.
I need to go take photos.......I've not done a real photoshoot in a while.....I've almost completely stopped actively promoting atg.....I still go to shows and stuff......haha. last saturday....we went and saw coretta scott at stuido 7. then we went down the street and watched alone at the centeral.....then we walked up a couple blocks to fuel...and stood out side and listened to a couple lucky for nothing songs.....that was such a good night......so much fun.....never mind I took like 40 photos the whole time......maybe I've finally sunk into that 'break' I wanted to do a couple months ago......hmp. *shrugs*.....never mind I've got like 2 shows to edit right now. meh. maybe one after tonight.....I've not decided if I have the oomph to edit the superdeluxe photos tonight/morning or not. I have to work at 11. could be worse.
anyway. <3 you.
byeee.