Postcards on return from vacation
To: complaints@tsa.gov
From: Me
Subject: Please return or replace my luggage lock.
Travel date: July 25, 2006
Airport: Detroit Metro (DTW)
Flight: Northwest Airlines flight NW 997 departing 9:13 AM, arriving at Miami International (MIA) at 12:02 PM.
My luggage was locked with a "Travel Smart" combination lock (combination XXX) when it was checked at the Northwest Airlines counter at Detroit Metro on the above day and time for the above flight.
The combination dial was set to 000 when it was checked in at the Northwest counter. Somehow, my luggage arrived in Miami without the lock attached anywhere on the bag.
The cost of lock was $7.99, plus tax.
Please refund the total cost ($8.47) of the lock or mail it back to me if you have it - (address).
Thanks,
Me
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I'm more likely to get a response from this next email than a reply/refund/my lock back because of the above email.
To: AtlanticOcean@JustOffSouthBeach.wet
From: Me
Subject: Lost items
Hi! Long time no see (ha!) Seems like just yesterday I was there (ha, again!). I miss you already. Thanks for all those lovely shells and coral pieces that you "just had lying around cluttering up the place". I was more than happy to take them off your hands, and I've done some lovely decorate-y type things with them already.
Anyway, I'm missing a black scrunchie and I'm pretty sure it was slipped off my head by one of the more exuberant waves you produced Wednesday afternoon. If it turns up (along with Weenor's new Mother-in-Law's right flip-flop sandal), could you please put them to the side and we'll pick them up next time we're there? Thanks bunches! You rock!
Love,
mAlice
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To: ReefShark@AtlanticOcean.wet
From: A friend
Subject: (no subject)
Hey asshole. Yeah, you. Didn't think I'd recognize you, did you? I have to admit, I did spend quite a few hours last night and this morning on google trying to track you down.
Your homies at noaa.gov ratted you out.
http://www8.nos.noaa.gov/onms/park/Parks/SpeciesCard.aspx?pID=8&refID=2&CreatureID=719
I swear to God, If I ever, EVER see you again while I am swimming (ANYWHERE - I don't care if it's South Beach, North Beach, or my fucking bathtub), I am going to take the spearfishing gun I will have strapped to my back and it'll be grilled shark steaks for everyone.
I'm not playin', fool.
m.
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To: m
From: ReefShark@AtlanticOcean.wet
Subject: re: (no subject)
Dear "M",
First, I can understand your anger and hostility. We sharks have a bad reputation. But as you can see at the link you yourself found me on, "When threatened or provoked, reef sharks will defend themselves, but are unlikely to attack..."
Second, you were in my neighborhood. I'm a shark, I swim in the ocean. It's what I do.
I totally remember you - very few people wear black shorts and a tshirt to the beach, let alone swim in them.
While you were within the swim area, you were also off the sandbar. Most people don't venture off the sandbar, because, well, the ocean gets kind of deep after that point. "Where the water gets deep, scary things creep." There's a little rhyme I made up to help you remember to keep your pasty white ass on the sandbar next time. (See, we're not just eating machines, we're clever too.)
Third, you will note that while I swam past you, I kept a fair distance (~10 feet) and if you couldn't tell from the speed I was swimming, I was more scared of you than you were of me (I'm guessing. I could be wrong about this.)
Besides, I wasn't hungry at the time *big, sharp, serrated toothed smile*
Best,
ReefShark