Thoughts on Zen
I try on different lives like borrowed jackets. Some fit, some even feel good. Some are nice, but need tailoring. I know the things I like, the things that I try to keep-- but sometimes they get buried at the bottom of the closet while I rip and tear at the ones that I realize now are not worth wearing. So I'm not buying any new ones, and I'm pitching the bad fits. All I've wanted in the last few years is something, anything, to be stable. But nothing seems to be. Granted, I helped make it so-- I've lived in so many different places in the last two years, I still have trouble remembering zip codes and cable channels. I don't regret these different perspectives, and even consider it healthy for me to have done, otherwise I may never have left my "shell."
However, I feel like I need synthesis. So I'm taking the bits of old me and putting them with the bits of new me, and hoping that CiCi will iron out nicely. Last night, I found a pendant my mom gave me years ago. It's flat and large, and I never wear it as a necklace, but I use it. I use it to remember, feel, think, and comfort. I don't consider myself under any religious or spiritual name, but my own personal spirituality is most closely related to Wicca and Paganism, something I share with my mom. I tend to slip out of my spirituality easily, but sometimes I realize how important it has been and is to me. It's not in any book because it's completely personal. It's not magic by a traditional definition of magic, and though we recognize and celebrate the calendar holidays of Paganism, most of our sense of it is completely personal. I don't know exactly how my mom feels about different things, or how she "practices", and she doesn't know how I do either. She always tells me to "do what feels right", and I find this an accurate instruction for the whole thing.
In school, I don't always have time to take pictures of the trees blossoming and glowing against filtered early morning sunshine. I don't always have time to light candles or burn incense during showers or before bed. I don't always remember to add essential oils to lotion or appreciate full moons. Sometimes I forget the Sabbats, I stay inside all day, I don't wear jewelry, and I forget my "zen." I need a break from the stupid things that tend to take over my attention, like facebook and who I will hang out with over the weekend. I'm at a point where I severely need to de-stress and get back to me. I need yoga again, healthy food that includes veggies and fruit, a job, and confidence in school. It's been a tough semester, but I've put in my time on the rough road, and I'm no longer going to travel down it.
As I said, I often try on different lives, and sometimes I'm simply in a different mood, but currently I feel the pull to go back to this particular part of me that makes so much sense. I'm not a group person, and although there are many other spiritual people here, I feel like any form of organization defeats its purpose. One of the most personal things I can do is put on electronica while taking a walk in a rainstorm. I won't lie, I'd like someone to share this with, but another part of me feels that I need this to get back to myself, to remember who I was and know that I may be in a new and sometimes scary world, but I'm still me and I can be content with and by myself.
However, I feel like I need synthesis. So I'm taking the bits of old me and putting them with the bits of new me, and hoping that CiCi will iron out nicely. Last night, I found a pendant my mom gave me years ago. It's flat and large, and I never wear it as a necklace, but I use it. I use it to remember, feel, think, and comfort. I don't consider myself under any religious or spiritual name, but my own personal spirituality is most closely related to Wicca and Paganism, something I share with my mom. I tend to slip out of my spirituality easily, but sometimes I realize how important it has been and is to me. It's not in any book because it's completely personal. It's not magic by a traditional definition of magic, and though we recognize and celebrate the calendar holidays of Paganism, most of our sense of it is completely personal. I don't know exactly how my mom feels about different things, or how she "practices", and she doesn't know how I do either. She always tells me to "do what feels right", and I find this an accurate instruction for the whole thing.
In school, I don't always have time to take pictures of the trees blossoming and glowing against filtered early morning sunshine. I don't always have time to light candles or burn incense during showers or before bed. I don't always remember to add essential oils to lotion or appreciate full moons. Sometimes I forget the Sabbats, I stay inside all day, I don't wear jewelry, and I forget my "zen." I need a break from the stupid things that tend to take over my attention, like facebook and who I will hang out with over the weekend. I'm at a point where I severely need to de-stress and get back to me. I need yoga again, healthy food that includes veggies and fruit, a job, and confidence in school. It's been a tough semester, but I've put in my time on the rough road, and I'm no longer going to travel down it.
As I said, I often try on different lives, and sometimes I'm simply in a different mood, but currently I feel the pull to go back to this particular part of me that makes so much sense. I'm not a group person, and although there are many other spiritual people here, I feel like any form of organization defeats its purpose. One of the most personal things I can do is put on electronica while taking a walk in a rainstorm. I won't lie, I'd like someone to share this with, but another part of me feels that I need this to get back to myself, to remember who I was and know that I may be in a new and sometimes scary world, but I'm still me and I can be content with and by myself.