Meh.
Why am I feeling it necessary to organize my journal? Is it that it gets published publicly to facebook? That shouldn't matter; only people who really cared would bother to read it. And if they really care, they know me, and if they know me, they get me. Why do I feel like I need to organize my insanity? It's like being sick and needing to throw up. I can't just let it come over me; I have to control it, prepare it, make it more "pretty". Well fuck that. I'm now being completely me, and whomever I offend, scare off, upset, or destroy, good riddance.
I realized today I fear conformity. Driving by lake homes and watching average white people out in their average lawns doing average suburban things. . . . I pictured myself "settling down" in a three-bedroom, going to the same 9-5 every damned day of every damned week, and spending weekends "with the kids" having BBQs and throwing Frisbees around. The thought made me not want to set one more foot into next week. I don't know what I plan on doing, or how I plan on living my life, but I don't think it's normal.
I also realize that everyone else in the world is allowed to have problems but me. I always thought I just never had them, but I do. They may not be as severe as a fucked up family or a dead-end job and addiction problem, but I have them. I never talk about them, except to my mom and that's really only when I'm losing sleep over the worry. It seems that everyone today has their lives on the computer, which sucks, but maybe shaking things up is a good thing. Virtual fights don't cause bloody noses. I think my longing is just to be honest, but I'm afraid when and if I do, I'll either be committed, lose good friends, embarrass myself, or lose control. Then I'd have regret. And I. Hate. Regret.
So right now to hell with the plans, the control... The wind is too hard to walk against. I'll become loopy for as long as I need to until I can catch the next wave. Will I ever get a call about an interview for a job I'm more than capable of? Even my cousin gets a call for it, goes in, screws up by being impersonal and shy, and gets rejected. HELLO!!! I'm sitting right fucking here, making little money, and planning on moving states and starting school again in FOUR MONTHS. Somebody give me a fucking call!
But there's the wind. If it doesn't want me to work at another family restaurant for the next four months, I'll do what I did before and give up until the next oppertunity comes along. At least I have fantastic neighbours, or friends rather, who are my means of support for now. I can't feel completely guilty and free-loading when I am making a few twenties here and there.
Besides, everybody has to take out student loans.
I realized today I fear conformity. Driving by lake homes and watching average white people out in their average lawns doing average suburban things. . . . I pictured myself "settling down" in a three-bedroom, going to the same 9-5 every damned day of every damned week, and spending weekends "with the kids" having BBQs and throwing Frisbees around. The thought made me not want to set one more foot into next week. I don't know what I plan on doing, or how I plan on living my life, but I don't think it's normal.
I also realize that everyone else in the world is allowed to have problems but me. I always thought I just never had them, but I do. They may not be as severe as a fucked up family or a dead-end job and addiction problem, but I have them. I never talk about them, except to my mom and that's really only when I'm losing sleep over the worry. It seems that everyone today has their lives on the computer, which sucks, but maybe shaking things up is a good thing. Virtual fights don't cause bloody noses. I think my longing is just to be honest, but I'm afraid when and if I do, I'll either be committed, lose good friends, embarrass myself, or lose control. Then I'd have regret. And I. Hate. Regret.
So right now to hell with the plans, the control... The wind is too hard to walk against. I'll become loopy for as long as I need to until I can catch the next wave. Will I ever get a call about an interview for a job I'm more than capable of? Even my cousin gets a call for it, goes in, screws up by being impersonal and shy, and gets rejected. HELLO!!! I'm sitting right fucking here, making little money, and planning on moving states and starting school again in FOUR MONTHS. Somebody give me a fucking call!
But there's the wind. If it doesn't want me to work at another family restaurant for the next four months, I'll do what I did before and give up until the next oppertunity comes along. At least I have fantastic neighbours, or friends rather, who are my means of support for now. I can't feel completely guilty and free-loading when I am making a few twenties here and there.
Besides, everybody has to take out student loans.