m.i.a.; plus my summer reading list
Tonight is the first night in a while that has been still. Just me. No noise. Not moving. Nothing to run to or plan for. It wasn't supposed to be that way--I had plans for this evening, but the rain changed that. In a way, I think it was good for me to just sit tonight. Maybe.
Things have been hectic lately. My Grandma Alma passed away on May 19. I went back to Nebraska the following Tuesday and returned to Boston Friday evening. Everything at home was a bit of a whirlwind, and I don't think I am ready to write about my grandma yet... However, being home again so soon made me realize that I haven't been home twice within the same month since I started Augustana. (Not counting of course, the two summers of '01 and '05 [and a 1/3 of '02] when I lived at home.) But as far as the times when I have actually not been living at home, I have not been home twice in a 2 1/2 week period. It was weird and strange but also nice. I can't really explain it because the last thing I want to do is move home. But it was nice. And I'm so very glad I was able to take work off, because I realize now I would have been incredibly sad if I hadn't made it home for the service.
Last weekend was busy, too, as a friend from college was in town and needed a tour guide. It was a pleasant distraction from the previous week and I had a lot of fun. However, it only extended the amount of time I could put off thinking about my future. I think that all started rushing back to me yesterday. And tonight, in the stillness, the uncertainty is palpable.
I don't necessarily know what I want to be. I just know I don't want to do what I'm doing now. I don't know where I want to move. I just know I'm unsettled here. I don't know where I'll go at the end of the summer when my lease expires. I've been looking at apartments in cities I don't live in, and haven't looked at all at listings in Boston. Considering that I looked for four months last year for the apartment I'm in now, I'd say I'm a little behind my game.
I know this is ridiculous and I don't always feel this way, but... sometimes I wish someone would just TELL me what I'm supposed to be doing. So I at least had a plan.
Because there is so much uncertainty and doubt in my life right now, I have to take encouragement from the little things that of which I am certain. Like my summer reading list. I've been adding titles to it for a bit now, and if you have any suggestions, please feel free to leave them for me. Here's what I have so far:
Will You Please Be Quiet, Please? by Raymond Carver [currently reading]
The End of the Affair by Graham Greene
The Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien
Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn by Kris Radish
Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk
The Accidental Tourist by Anne Tyler
Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway
...that's a start, anyway. Looking for good suggestions...
Things have been hectic lately. My Grandma Alma passed away on May 19. I went back to Nebraska the following Tuesday and returned to Boston Friday evening. Everything at home was a bit of a whirlwind, and I don't think I am ready to write about my grandma yet... However, being home again so soon made me realize that I haven't been home twice within the same month since I started Augustana. (Not counting of course, the two summers of '01 and '05 [and a 1/3 of '02] when I lived at home.) But as far as the times when I have actually not been living at home, I have not been home twice in a 2 1/2 week period. It was weird and strange but also nice. I can't really explain it because the last thing I want to do is move home. But it was nice. And I'm so very glad I was able to take work off, because I realize now I would have been incredibly sad if I hadn't made it home for the service.
Last weekend was busy, too, as a friend from college was in town and needed a tour guide. It was a pleasant distraction from the previous week and I had a lot of fun. However, it only extended the amount of time I could put off thinking about my future. I think that all started rushing back to me yesterday. And tonight, in the stillness, the uncertainty is palpable.
I don't necessarily know what I want to be. I just know I don't want to do what I'm doing now. I don't know where I want to move. I just know I'm unsettled here. I don't know where I'll go at the end of the summer when my lease expires. I've been looking at apartments in cities I don't live in, and haven't looked at all at listings in Boston. Considering that I looked for four months last year for the apartment I'm in now, I'd say I'm a little behind my game.
I know this is ridiculous and I don't always feel this way, but... sometimes I wish someone would just TELL me what I'm supposed to be doing. So I at least had a plan.
Because there is so much uncertainty and doubt in my life right now, I have to take encouragement from the little things that of which I am certain. Like my summer reading list. I've been adding titles to it for a bit now, and if you have any suggestions, please feel free to leave them for me. Here's what I have so far:
Will You Please Be Quiet, Please? by Raymond Carver [currently reading]
The End of the Affair by Graham Greene
The Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien
Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn by Kris Radish
Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk
The Accidental Tourist by Anne Tyler
Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway
...that's a start, anyway. Looking for good suggestions...