If I Broke My Jaw, For You I'd Find a Bloody Tooth and Rip it Out
here i stare in front of a computer screen. and i realize- i do this way too much. if there were a computerholics anonymous, i would be there. hi, my name is james, and i am addicted. they would all greet me in their monotonousletmekillmyself way that they do at said meetings. i think the most pathetic part about it is that im addicted to the feeling of being on it. not anything specific about it. i dont have thousands of websites to check. i dont have anything important to do on this machine. i just sit and either play warcraft, or wait until somebody talks to me on aim. its ridiculous. i could be learning sooo much if i were just to utilize the tools in front of me that are my hands and the gateway to the world. but i dont. perhaps its just some sort of comfort blanket that i have made myself. black people have soul food. maybe my soul food is made of chips and processors. something needs to be done.
it is less than a month now, until i flee my current location. yet again. maybe i'll make a habit of this. just keep moving places for a year or less, and move. then, later on regret it. that seems to be the pattern. maybe this time will be different. i hope so. i dont want to feel anymore regret. i would like to be the type of person who lives their life with no regrets, nothing to look back on and say, 'i wish i would have done that differently.' i dont need that. it surely cant be very healthy. maybe things can change for me. but i suppose that it wont happen on its own.
i spent 75 dollars on music yesterday. it was ridiculous. nobody should ever spend that much money on music at one time. the only thing that consoles me is that i was helping out a wonderful establishment. because, the money you spend on cds doesnt really go to the bands. maybe like 10 cents off of each copy. if that. so ive realized that the majority of your money is going to the record store, and the record label. so, ive decided to make a pact that i would only support record shops that i believe in. thus far, the only one that i have found is easy street in seattle. and also buzzards in tacoma. those two shops are the only two that will now get my money. because fred meyer, sam goody, or any other music selling establishment doesnt need any more money than they already have. they need to take the money they have and invest it into something good for the world. so fuck them.
conclusion of the night/week/month/year that i have made- the most empty and terrible feeling in the world is this: when you want somebody/something so terribly badly that it hurts, but that person/thing is unattainable, and keeps eluding your grasp no matter what you do. it is the most terrible feeling that i have thus far felt. i hope theres nothing worse, because that would be absolutely crushing. id like to think that i have reached the bottom of the well and something/someone is going to pull me up soon. i keep looking, but all i see is darkness.
ich habe einen hunger.
gute nacht
liebe,
E>Jaems <3
it is less than a month now, until i flee my current location. yet again. maybe i'll make a habit of this. just keep moving places for a year or less, and move. then, later on regret it. that seems to be the pattern. maybe this time will be different. i hope so. i dont want to feel anymore regret. i would like to be the type of person who lives their life with no regrets, nothing to look back on and say, 'i wish i would have done that differently.' i dont need that. it surely cant be very healthy. maybe things can change for me. but i suppose that it wont happen on its own.
i spent 75 dollars on music yesterday. it was ridiculous. nobody should ever spend that much money on music at one time. the only thing that consoles me is that i was helping out a wonderful establishment. because, the money you spend on cds doesnt really go to the bands. maybe like 10 cents off of each copy. if that. so ive realized that the majority of your money is going to the record store, and the record label. so, ive decided to make a pact that i would only support record shops that i believe in. thus far, the only one that i have found is easy street in seattle. and also buzzards in tacoma. those two shops are the only two that will now get my money. because fred meyer, sam goody, or any other music selling establishment doesnt need any more money than they already have. they need to take the money they have and invest it into something good for the world. so fuck them.
conclusion of the night/week/month/year that i have made- the most empty and terrible feeling in the world is this: when you want somebody/something so terribly badly that it hurts, but that person/thing is unattainable, and keeps eluding your grasp no matter what you do. it is the most terrible feeling that i have thus far felt. i hope theres nothing worse, because that would be absolutely crushing. id like to think that i have reached the bottom of the well and something/someone is going to pull me up soon. i keep looking, but all i see is darkness.
ich habe einen hunger.
gute nacht
liebe,
E>Jaems <3