Sleepless Fool
I cant believe i cant sleep im going nuts man seriously. its already 3:47 am and i have to get up at 6, what am i going to do? i wonder sometimes if he thinks about how good we really could be. someone told me he never trusted me because he was there as a friend before and saw my previous relationships, but def. cared about me. cared about me so much that then its when rest happend the fights, the jelousy, the name calling, the insecurities, ext. but just because he was there at first all along. i was blind, i wish i would have noticed him before, what that fuck took so long? and for what? for all this? no, its bullshit its only been not that long at all, and i cant take it anymore. not being there him not being there. i hate having to be this person im not, i wish i had the balls to just call him right now and spill my heart and soul and tell him the truth about how i truly feel, let him know that he means the world to me and that i want nothing but to be with him. my world is much smaller when he is not here by my side, or in my ear screaming w.e he wants i dont care as long as he is there. i close my eyes i see him, i breath him, inside me i feel him. things remind me way to much im loosing my grip, please god give me strenght to get through this alone please help me, he hates me and i have no say in anything cant even defend myself because i have nothing to prove or show for any of it. he is the winner, the one that made everything happen and what am i? i whore in his eyes, a someone who never loved, but decived and lied. i nasty whore whore as he eould call it. people make mistakes and i know hoe to forgive ,that makes me happy. at least i can see past all that and that already makes me feel alittle better. im going to just write till i get tired and like pass out or something. i havent eaten in days it seems, i had like no food at home and also i have been on the run. now im at my grandparents house and time is going by really slow an nothing is going to change unless i make things change. now im going to just be at the library, im going to read alot i need that. being here just makes me ever sadder because its quite here and i think alot more than i did when i lived on my own. that can be a good thing. i dont know how im going to makeit tomorow, no money, tired, and sad......god give please me strenght! i dont want t ask my granparents for money either, i would feel bad, i dunno. i just want to get over all this already i feel like im runnig out of hair, and all i can do is cry when i think about it. at least now ill be getting alot of sleep and rest, right! my eyes are so puffy i cant even see the screen anymore, my back urt a lot and well i miss certain people. i wish actually right now i wish i could just go by muself and just walk on the park and think, but it would have to be day time now would be too scary. stela was not here tonight im guessing she slept over that guyss house, lucky her she actually has someone to be there with her, and at least talk. i long for that person to come. but then again, i dont because i need to consentrate on whats good for me right now. its time for me to think about my future and my life for a min here. im sure that if i do that now, then maybe later it will pay off and ill be happy like i was before when i was so obvlivious to alot of things exsept this time ill know whats up just because ive gone through alot. i miss being little, when i had no worries, when i didnt even know what being in a relationship was. i miss my father, i wish around to teach me even more things that i have yet to learn. maybe if he was around i woulnt be sucha a cold hearted bitch how most people think iam. or i would probably value guys a little bit better. i would know what loving a man is, but i guess that takes a really good teacher since my dad (the best teacher) wasnt able to complete that task. im sure hes got a teacher out there for em and he will be so good at what he does, makes me feel that ill just know it i guess. i miss you dad, and i wish i could have had times with you like a dauther and father would......im miserable. i think im just going to go to sleep before ...i dunoo