(no subject)
I am answering devifemme's comment here because my reply apparently reached a novel-magnitude :P
It may also explain a bit better just why and how this one disappointment really affects me, so it's for y'all others too.
"Justine, Don't worry, it was meant encouragingly, I understand that. I just don't feel like I have enough juice in my batteries anymore.
My dad and sister aren't being unsupportive or disloyal, we just talk about other things, and despite of having them in my life it doesn't feel like enough to motivate me.
Unless I die of a broken heart I will keep on trying to channel my life in a better direction because it's the only way I feel I even can function, seeing as I'm not just "content on being passive" nor do I have suicidal tendencies, my mind just automatically takes a route that it deems to lead into healing. It doesn't mean that it would work though, if I feel like my life doesn't give me much on other fronts.
I am planning on taking up my studies again, and I used to think that that was all I needed.
What is just keeping me stuck in this depressed, strugglesome pithole that exists within me is the fact that for the first time in my life I felt safe to trust someone and was let down by that person, even if they til then seemed to be more than deserving of that trust, there really was a reason I felt safe with them. And because I this once learned to embrace trusting someone only to learn it was a mistake, I feel like I'm in a place where I can't heal anymore. It felt good having someone I could trust and enjoy in every way, but I just lost the very last hope/faith/optimism and i don't know if I want to or am even simply capable of doing that ever again. And that just doesn't make me very motivated to keep on with my life anymore.
I used to think that things were so bad that they could only get better, and they got, then they got worse again, over and over. But that was just how life goes. But then there was a stability, a happiness which I for the first time just couldn't ever even imagine that I needed to fear ending like I otherwise always did. And then it did end. It's hard to express verbally how much damage this one single thing did to me.
I have friends, they like me, I can talk to them, I have fun with them. But I can't spend 100% of my time just hanging around them, and when I don't, I just feel empty knowing/feeling this. It just creeps at me. So I'm not alone. I'm just completely and utterly damaged, dysfunctional, empty and lonely. Even if I know I can open up to others, it just doesn't feel the same as with this one person. And I don't have any faith that it ever will.
It's not the "having someone to talk to", but the emotionally knowing to have this someone who is there, who makes me feel good, and acceptable with my big bad flaws, despite the fact that they live some 400 miles away. His influence reached me through the distances and that was the magic. Because I don't feel like that with anyone else even if they were 2 inches from me. Emoooooo x)
...to the other parts of your comment:
I'm Finnish, not Swedish, I just grew up in Stockholm which will always be home in a way because I spent my childhood there. Emigrating (Sweden: age 10 --->, Berlin: 14--->, Holland/Australia 18 --->) used to be one of the big dreams to fuel me ahead in life (I just always loved the idea of living life in a different culture with different possibilities), but even that doesn't feel like much anything anymore, except when I'm having an exceptionally good day/moment when I don't feel all that concerned/defeated about everything screwed up in my life (read: this one thing). Those moments seem to grow more and more scarce by each day.
The "whining": it's just a little tongue-in-cheek way I describe my emo-posts. It's just self-irony, a little something for me to try to laugh at, but it easily comes across wrong, particularly in posts overall as deppy-sounding as these posts have been.
No, I don't feel I have limits: I know I can do everything and anything I want to.
But now I simply don't feel I want anything anymore.
Yes, I get disability support: (i.e. I get paid for my living, by the social security office because I'm not functional enough to make my own living right now), but the only problem with that is that it's just a minimum amount to cover basics only (otherwise who the hell would care to work instead of play, heh :P), but it doesn't really stress me as it's sufficient.
..Of course there is the occasional screw-up but that isn't bothering me except if they happen when I'm feeling less equipped than usual to straighten them out.
..Yes, I am also bugged at times by the feeling of being a loser because I don't earn my living like others, but I've learned to forgive myself as I know I'm not gonna leech on society forever but only til I've recovered enough to function which shouldn't be that long anymore.
I do have a couple local friends, and they support me a lot, but we've lived our lives pretty much worlds apart, so despite them being a lot of help in many things and fun to hang out with for a coffee if I'm feeling lonely, there is a certain gap between us which leaves me missing all the fantastic friends I have elsewhere.
The boyfriend I/you mentioned: I was seeing a guy somewhere May-June but he suddenly just stopped wanting to see me despite quite contrary signals while we were seeing each other. It felt awful, not even getting a simple straight answer as to "why?" as it just came out of nowhere, first "I love you, let's see where this goes" /quote and then suddenly nothing, for no apparent reason. But he didn't grow on me as it was only a couple months so I barely think of him anymore.
So no, things may not be simple on other fronts either but I can handle them. I have til now, and I will continue to. It's pathetic even, that there is just this one separate thing that screws everything up totally for me but it's just how it is. It was too important. I could've handled anything else like I had til then, some things more rough than others, that's just life, they were no crises, I can handle life in general.
...
But this one only thing. It's like needing quadruple amputation. I might be able to somehow regain functionality with prostheses, learn to dance somehow again with fake legs, learn to somehow/barely draw and play instruments with fake hands. But it just never will be the same thing at all, and I will feel handicapped by it for the rest of my days no matter what, because dancing/drawing/playing instruments is just that vital for my well being.
I wish he was like oxygen. That way with him out of my life I'd just die. Instead, I'm stuck with virtually useless prostheses. My life may be okay, it works. But there just isn't that mojo anymore.
Thanks for the hugs. I wish I was a hug-person."
It may also explain a bit better just why and how this one disappointment really affects me, so it's for y'all others too.
"Justine, Don't worry, it was meant encouragingly, I understand that. I just don't feel like I have enough juice in my batteries anymore.
My dad and sister aren't being unsupportive or disloyal, we just talk about other things, and despite of having them in my life it doesn't feel like enough to motivate me.
Unless I die of a broken heart I will keep on trying to channel my life in a better direction because it's the only way I feel I even can function, seeing as I'm not just "content on being passive" nor do I have suicidal tendencies, my mind just automatically takes a route that it deems to lead into healing. It doesn't mean that it would work though, if I feel like my life doesn't give me much on other fronts.
I am planning on taking up my studies again, and I used to think that that was all I needed.
What is just keeping me stuck in this depressed, strugglesome pithole that exists within me is the fact that for the first time in my life I felt safe to trust someone and was let down by that person, even if they til then seemed to be more than deserving of that trust, there really was a reason I felt safe with them. And because I this once learned to embrace trusting someone only to learn it was a mistake, I feel like I'm in a place where I can't heal anymore. It felt good having someone I could trust and enjoy in every way, but I just lost the very last hope/faith/optimism and i don't know if I want to or am even simply capable of doing that ever again. And that just doesn't make me very motivated to keep on with my life anymore.
I used to think that things were so bad that they could only get better, and they got, then they got worse again, over and over. But that was just how life goes. But then there was a stability, a happiness which I for the first time just couldn't ever even imagine that I needed to fear ending like I otherwise always did. And then it did end. It's hard to express verbally how much damage this one single thing did to me.
I have friends, they like me, I can talk to them, I have fun with them. But I can't spend 100% of my time just hanging around them, and when I don't, I just feel empty knowing/feeling this. It just creeps at me. So I'm not alone. I'm just completely and utterly damaged, dysfunctional, empty and lonely. Even if I know I can open up to others, it just doesn't feel the same as with this one person. And I don't have any faith that it ever will.
It's not the "having someone to talk to", but the emotionally knowing to have this someone who is there, who makes me feel good, and acceptable with my big bad flaws, despite the fact that they live some 400 miles away. His influence reached me through the distances and that was the magic. Because I don't feel like that with anyone else even if they were 2 inches from me. Emoooooo x)
...to the other parts of your comment:
I'm Finnish, not Swedish, I just grew up in Stockholm which will always be home in a way because I spent my childhood there. Emigrating (Sweden: age 10 --->, Berlin: 14--->, Holland/Australia 18 --->) used to be one of the big dreams to fuel me ahead in life (I just always loved the idea of living life in a different culture with different possibilities), but even that doesn't feel like much anything anymore, except when I'm having an exceptionally good day/moment when I don't feel all that concerned/defeated about everything screwed up in my life (read: this one thing). Those moments seem to grow more and more scarce by each day.
The "whining": it's just a little tongue-in-cheek way I describe my emo-posts. It's just self-irony, a little something for me to try to laugh at, but it easily comes across wrong, particularly in posts overall as deppy-sounding as these posts have been.
No, I don't feel I have limits: I know I can do everything and anything I want to.
But now I simply don't feel I want anything anymore.
Yes, I get disability support: (i.e. I get paid for my living, by the social security office because I'm not functional enough to make my own living right now), but the only problem with that is that it's just a minimum amount to cover basics only (otherwise who the hell would care to work instead of play, heh :P), but it doesn't really stress me as it's sufficient.
..Of course there is the occasional screw-up but that isn't bothering me except if they happen when I'm feeling less equipped than usual to straighten them out.
..Yes, I am also bugged at times by the feeling of being a loser because I don't earn my living like others, but I've learned to forgive myself as I know I'm not gonna leech on society forever but only til I've recovered enough to function which shouldn't be that long anymore.
I do have a couple local friends, and they support me a lot, but we've lived our lives pretty much worlds apart, so despite them being a lot of help in many things and fun to hang out with for a coffee if I'm feeling lonely, there is a certain gap between us which leaves me missing all the fantastic friends I have elsewhere.
The boyfriend I/you mentioned: I was seeing a guy somewhere May-June but he suddenly just stopped wanting to see me despite quite contrary signals while we were seeing each other. It felt awful, not even getting a simple straight answer as to "why?" as it just came out of nowhere, first "I love you, let's see where this goes" /quote and then suddenly nothing, for no apparent reason. But he didn't grow on me as it was only a couple months so I barely think of him anymore.
So no, things may not be simple on other fronts either but I can handle them. I have til now, and I will continue to. It's pathetic even, that there is just this one separate thing that screws everything up totally for me but it's just how it is. It was too important. I could've handled anything else like I had til then, some things more rough than others, that's just life, they were no crises, I can handle life in general.
...
But this one only thing. It's like needing quadruple amputation. I might be able to somehow regain functionality with prostheses, learn to dance somehow again with fake legs, learn to somehow/barely draw and play instruments with fake hands. But it just never will be the same thing at all, and I will feel handicapped by it for the rest of my days no matter what, because dancing/drawing/playing instruments is just that vital for my well being.
I wish he was like oxygen. That way with him out of my life I'd just die. Instead, I'm stuck with virtually useless prostheses. My life may be okay, it works. But there just isn't that mojo anymore.
Thanks for the hugs. I wish I was a hug-person."