(no subject)
--ETA---
[Just configured some odd phrazing regarding the secion about childhood. It might've come across wrong, and a bit disturbing to someone xD]
My mother never has had the sensibility to approach me with a "I know I don't deserve your respect/trust, but..."
That's what annoys me when I have to interact with her, she'll just call or msn me "ohh, this day has been soo exhausting blah blah" and I'll be thinking "I don't carrrrrreeeeeee..."
I know the comparison is in some senses ridiculous because I'm referring to a fictional character here, but despite her sociopathy, Irina Derevko in "Alias" seems to have some genuine guilt regarding Sydney and at least she acknowledges the fact that she's done wrong to her.
My mother does so when confronted, but otherwise it doesn't bother her at all judging from how she behaves in all other situations, she doesn't seem to feel guilt at all, and I am still hurt. She'll submit to explaining and martyrizing herself "your father blah blah". Yeah, thanks bitch I know what it used to be like to deal with my father, but if I'd've had a child with that person [not my father, but if I had been in that very situation], that child would have been my priority. Despite depression and other related problems I would have focused my energy on him/her before me. Particularly as the case is, that me and her have both similar experiences with our own parents.
What am I to conclude from this? Am I a heartless bitch for feeling this way about my birthgiver? Or is it justified? I mostly think the latter, thus I have til now stuck with this alignment, but every now and then I question my judgement, thus the doubt, occasional guilt.
All this, plus the deal with a person I used to think I could trust and then my sister's accident [which of course is in either way allright because she seems to have recovered amazingly well considered circumstances] are wearing me down. Sure this "mother"-thing has been an over-time issue, but atm it's weakening my abilities to withstand new problems.
Also, I feel that a friend of mine has been manipulated into hating me by an old acquaintance [I used to know him as a trustee, Ric] which hurts me deeply. He convinced me he's trustworthy and then he turned on me, apparently poisoning my scarce friends.
I am broken.
I want to die.
Good bye...? I hope so. Keeelll meeee...
*more emo-ness and self-pitying bullshit*
=P
[Just configured some odd phrazing regarding the secion about childhood. It might've come across wrong, and a bit disturbing to someone xD]
My mother never has had the sensibility to approach me with a "I know I don't deserve your respect/trust, but..."
That's what annoys me when I have to interact with her, she'll just call or msn me "ohh, this day has been soo exhausting blah blah" and I'll be thinking "I don't carrrrrreeeeeee..."
I know the comparison is in some senses ridiculous because I'm referring to a fictional character here, but despite her sociopathy, Irina Derevko in "Alias" seems to have some genuine guilt regarding Sydney and at least she acknowledges the fact that she's done wrong to her.
My mother does so when confronted, but otherwise it doesn't bother her at all judging from how she behaves in all other situations, she doesn't seem to feel guilt at all, and I am still hurt. She'll submit to explaining and martyrizing herself "your father blah blah". Yeah, thanks bitch I know what it used to be like to deal with my father, but if I'd've had a child with that person [not my father, but if I had been in that very situation], that child would have been my priority. Despite depression and other related problems I would have focused my energy on him/her before me. Particularly as the case is, that me and her have both similar experiences with our own parents.
What am I to conclude from this? Am I a heartless bitch for feeling this way about my birthgiver? Or is it justified? I mostly think the latter, thus I have til now stuck with this alignment, but every now and then I question my judgement, thus the doubt, occasional guilt.
All this, plus the deal with a person I used to think I could trust and then my sister's accident [which of course is in either way allright because she seems to have recovered amazingly well considered circumstances] are wearing me down. Sure this "mother"-thing has been an over-time issue, but atm it's weakening my abilities to withstand new problems.
Also, I feel that a friend of mine has been manipulated into hating me by an old acquaintance [I used to know him as a trustee, Ric] which hurts me deeply. He convinced me he's trustworthy and then he turned on me, apparently poisoning my scarce friends.
I am broken.
I want to die.
Good bye...? I hope so. Keeelll meeee...
*more emo-ness and self-pitying bullshit*
=P