And step, and step, and step, turn- Gah! You stood on my foot, Potter!
I begin what I hope is to be a barrage of ranting with an editorial on one of my favorite subjects, the cliché.
We will, of course, be mutilating many, many different clichés within this community, so never fear; your favorite topics will be covered. I would also like to remind our lovely members that if they feel like posting a rant, they should fire away.
On this particular occasion, I would like to start off with my pet peeve, the cliché that makes me want to take a bath with a plugged-in toaster, the cliché that never fails to make the very hairs on the back of my neck stand up in horror:
The ball.
Also known as the dance, the formal, and the gigantic pain in the buttocks, the ball is a commonly used plot device in even the best of Lily/James fics. In fact, I can safely say that most authors, myself included, (a long, long time ago... *shudders*) have included a dance or party of some sort in one of their fics. On rare occasions, they can work quite well.
Very rare occasions.
One of the things that annoy me most about this subject is the complete disregard shown for this one simple fact: Balls are not held at Hogwarts.
With the exception of the Yule Ball, there has never even been the slightest mention of a ball or dance of any kind being held in the school. To get around this obstacle, the intelligent author will come up with a plausible excuse, for example, a ball that is held only for seventh years to celebrate their graduation. Since we have nothing to compare it to, this excuse is, in my opinion, acceptable, although not condonable, for a good explanation does not prevent the content from being completely hideous.
Some authors will actually create a Triwizard Tournament as an excuse to manifest a ball. As we all know, in Goblet of Fire (or, as my brother likes to refer to it, 'the cup full of stuff that will burn you if you touch it') it is stated that the Triwizard Tournament had not been held for hundreds of years. Unless Sirius, Remus and Peter were using some pretty nifty anti-aging cream when we first met them in Prisoner of Azkaban (or, 'the detainee in the building that coincidentally enough, sounds a lot like Alcatraz) I seriously doubt that the Marauders and Lily were in Hogwarts back then. Maybe most of these fic writers have some kind of visual impairment and somehow manage to mistake (1970-1977) for (1070-1077) when they view the Hogwarts timeline.
It would explain their abysmal spelling anyway...
I can just about stomach the Triwizard plot, however, when compared with some others that are written by the worst of the worst (On a personal note, I know that these terrible authors are called Suethors, but as an inventor of words and nicknames, I will be using my own: Planks*). Some Planks will actually include three or four balls in their fics, lacking both the imagination and the astuteness to come up with anything different. Many is the time I have begun a fic with considerable hopefulness, only to have my feeble shoots of optimism mowed over when I read the line:
'Lily and James had to organize the Halloween ball, the Christmas ball and the Valentines ball this year, as well as patrolling and stuff'
When I read a line like this, I know that the relationship between me and this fic is just not going to cut it in the long run.
But let us not linger on pathetic excuses, for what really gets my blood boiling are the actual events themselves. As most balls are rip offs of other rip offs, the general storyline will be the same.
Lily will always look incredibly beautiful, dressed in emerald (to match her 'stunning green orbs'). Her hair will flow down her back like a crimson waterfall, her skin will be miraculously tanned (funny, being a red-head myself, I didn't know that we looked good with tanned skin, or that fake tan was invented back in the seventies, or 1077, but what the hell!) her movements graceful, and James will always be completely gobsmacked.
Why not ring the changes a bit? Why not make Lily wear pink? (It suits some of us!) Why not make her hair look less like Niagara Falls and more like... hair? Why not make her trip down the staircase? Why does she always seem to be wearing the latest fashions to these balls anyway? Did she have some kind of Time Turner that could take her on a merry trip to 2006 purely so she could go shopping in Claire’s Accessories? Is she the only student who is exempt from wearing dress robes? Apart, of course, for her loyal friends, all of who have completely pointless names like Tinkerbell Dentureface or something, one of whom will (most definitely) get with one of the Marauders... but that's a rant for another time... I must stick to the subject at hand.
In some fics, Lily and James will not go together. What happens afterwards is almost always the same. They have a terrible time with their dates who are always annoying and dull, and spend most of the ball watching the other jealously. Someone, usually Lily, will run out in a huff for some reason, James will chase her, and they will end up as one, kissing passionately in the rain, because heaven knows Lily and James can’t have a normal snog like the rest of the world, it must be dramatic!!
When they do go together, they will have a lovely time, he will kiss her (in the rain, perhaps?), she will kiss back, and it all ends with her pulling away and slapping him. She will then run away in confusion, leaving him alone and heartbroken (in the rain).
I leave plotlines for the moment, as I feel I must devote significant time to what is undoubtedly the crappiest ball cliché of them all. When I see these two words mentioned in a fic, any fic, I am overcome with a powerful urge to hunt down the author and stab, not only them, but their family, friends and parish priest, to death with various rusty objects. This cliché is so overdone, so pointless, so unbelievable and so stupid that I wonder why on earth all of the reviews don’t read ‘Die, You overloaded bag of excretion’, and I have to bite my lip to prevent myself from writing it.
In short, I would rather have carnal knowledge of a Blast-Ended Skrewt than read through even one more offering of the obtuse, recycled, mind-numbing and stomach-turning vomit that is the Masquerade Ball. PWND!
Simply put, the Masquerade ball is stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How I wish I could describe it better, but as it is so terribly... stupid, there really are no better words to describe it. In fact, Masquerade balls are not interesting enough to merit better vocabulary. I would not insult my thesaurus by consulting it in an attempt to describe such drivel.
How are we meant to believe that Lily, a clearly intelligent and sensible girl, could bump into James at the ball and not recognize him, just because he is wearing a mask? A mask that does not even cover his whole face (as they always end up snogging, the lips are definitely on view) He has not taken Polyjuice potion, has not tried to alter himself, has not changed in any way, shape or form, he is just wearing a mask. Apparently, masks not only cover your face, they blind observers to every other characteristic of yours. How else would you explain her ignorance to his identity? Despite the fact that he looks like James Potter, he has ‘untidy black hair’ like James Potter, he talks, walks, acts and bloody farts like James Potter, it couldn’t possibly be James Potter because he is wearing a mask. This might make perfect sense to Planks, but not to me.
Then, Lily actually falls in love with this guy in the course of a night! A few hours is all it takes for her to realize that she has never met anyone as wonderful as this mystery man in her entire life, and never will again (It's James, you stupid, Plank-spawned idiot!). Are we really supposed to believe that Lily Evans, the Lily Evans, would be so stupid and whimsical? Are we really supposed to believe that she will quite happily snog the face off some random bloke (because remember, she doesn’t know that he’s actually James! Shh!) who could turn out to be a Slytherin? Or even a very masculine girl? I know that some girls go for the whole mystery thing, but something tells me that Lily isn’t one of them.
And James! James Potter, I’m disappointed in you! *shakes head* He claims to be madly in love with Lily, but had no problem snogging the face off some mysterious girl he meets at the ball. We all know that when James was in school, he was one of the most intelligent students in the year. We also know that he had a (Gi-bloody-normous) crush on Lily, and probably examined her carefully on every possible occasion. Considering this, it makes perfect sense that he doesn’t recognize her when she’s wearing a strip of fabric over her eyes. What a dramatic change!
In fact, now that I think about it, the masks don’t cover the eyes themselves, so you can still bloody see them! (although if they did, it would be easier to believe that the wearers would have trouble recognizing people) It's total bollox!! Gah!!
It would be far more believable if Lily was just dying for a chance to snog James Potter, didn't want to admit it, pretended that she couldn't recognize him, and that James played along because.. well, he fancies her. Do they ever think of this... No!
To finish my incredibly long and boring rant, I will, very inarticulately, say this. The Planks can shove the balls up their bloody wooden arses. I hope they bleed profusely when they do. I do not think that any more words are needed. Now let's all give a big hand to the decorations committee..
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And now, a competition of sorts...
I have a friend who argues that if I was to put my mind to it (but then again, why would I bother) I could think of a million and one original plotlines for a ball. Apparently, the possibilities are endless. I was pondering this and I came up with an idea...
I am issuing a challenge to everyone who reads this rant. My viewpoint is that balls in general are a load of... balls. As I have already noticed, the people who have joined this community are very talented writers. Therefore, if anyone, and I mean anyone, could write a oneshot (it doesn't even have to be that long, it could just be a paragraph) involving Lily, James and ball (even a Masquerade ball) that is actually both original and enjoyable, I will... well, I won't do much, but I did think it would be fun.. I like the idea of setting little 'prove Sarah wrong' challenges.. It could be a serious oneshot, or it could take the piss out of balls, I don't care, I really want to see what people can do with this.
If you want to (and I really, really think you should) simply write your oneshot and post it with the tag 'Balls'
Did I mention that you really, really should?
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On a much lighter note, I have here a present of sorts.
While browsing through various Lily/James fics, I came across this little... gem.
It is so terribly bad... it's good... Nothing to do with balls at all. I read it and was horrified, but when I read the reviews, for some strange reason, I laughed out loud and woke my little brother...
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2886809/1/
*Planks: The reasons I have chosen this nickname are:
A) My aunty was called Sue and she was the most sarcastic, scary and brilliant aunty ever...
B) Planks of wood are thick, and so are these authors.
And one more thing, I know some of you may be reading and thinking that I’m a complete hypocrite, as I am including not one, but two balls in my newest fic, so my answer to you people is this: The fic is set a hundred years ago, it’s AU. There will be no rain drenched snogging, stupid people wearing masks or overused clichés... Therefore, I can have a ball if I bloody well want.