Rainy Days
Title: Rainy Days
Author: 79_percent
Rating: PG-13
Form: One-shot
Fandom: Group S
Pairing: SungTa
Genre: Angst
Summary: ChilHyun wanted HyeSung to come back. HyeSung wanted to make ChilHyun understand that he couldn't. Not anymore.
This was what we had been meaning to say that summer night when we were nineteen.
HyeSung paused, his eyes betrayed the emotions that he was trying to suppress. His soft gaze strayed to the words neatly written on the white surface of the envelope on his palm. He traced the name gently with his thumb, suddenly feeling a sense of regret and sadness mingled together wash over him. Unbidden droplets of rain slowly blurred both his eyes and the edges of his writing. Smiling in forced determination, somehow making his decision final, HyeSung placed the envelope into the slight opening of the mailbox.
He didn't know what hurt him more. For him to leave, or for he himself to leave him.
I'm sorry...
HyeSung let go of his trembling hold and almost immediately, the envelope disappeared from his sight. That was the least he could do for himself. He knew he couldn't turn back anymore. Turning on his heels, the brown haired figure shoved his black-gloved hands deep within the recesses of his trenchcoat pockets.
He didn't know what hurt him more. The rain, or the deep, unfulfilled longing in his heart.
That spring, within the embrace of the cold wind and the rain, only leaving a hazy trail of lonely shadow, HyeSung left.
A X-Over Fan-fiction
"Rainy Days"
[One Shot]
~*~
"I'll wait for you.. No matter how long it'll be, I'll be there."
His eyes wandered to re-read the cold words on the screen. Closing his phone with a soft click, ChilHyun could only heave a dejected sigh. He wasn't sure if the other would come; he wasn't sure if the other person would even reply. He didn't even know where he was. It seemed like everything was just a futile attempt for him to salvage their relationship. If there was one to begin with.
They met at the end of highschool and had been together through college years and a little more. Now that he recalled, they had never really started. None of them initiated, none of them said the words, but deep inside, they knew they were meant for each other. At least, that was what ChilHyun would like to believe. Until one day, his boyfriend started to act differently. The change was so subtle that it caught him off guard. He didn't realise the difference until it was too late and when HyeSung started to drift away from him, his world fell apart.
He exhaled deeply. The park where he had docked himself in was deserted. There wasn't any other soul except for a pair of young couple walking hand in hand and himself. Smiling wistfully against the setting sun, he shook the overlapping imagination of his brown-haired lover away. Resting his forehead against his intertwined fingers, ChilHyun let his thoughts wander.
~*~
It was just two summers ago when the younger of the two dragged him out and away from the hustle and bustle of the hectic city life of Seoul and brought him to a world of amazing wonderment. Towards the tail of their summer holiday, HyeSung made him drive three whole hours to a nameless, isolated beach somewhere at the countryside. Until now, he never discovered how his dongsaeng knew about that beach in the first place. By the time they reached there, dusk had fallen and stars began to twinkle against the onyx black backdrop of the night sky.
"HyeSungie, what are we doing here?" ChilHyun sighed, frowning at the boy who had a firm grip on his wrist and was dragging him along the sandy surface of the beach. The answer he got back then was only a huge, sweet smile that HyeSung always gave him and nothing else. Feeling the contagious effect of that warm expression, ChilHyun found his lips start to twitch in the beginning of a smile.
Once they reached the end of the beach, just right where the water touched the darkened golden surface, HyeSung made the older boy sit beside him. ChilHyun only followed wordlessly, mind wandering to what his friend was thinking as he let his fingers touch the cool surface of the water. The sound of the beating waves calmed his being, the vintage presented before him was maginificent, but what made his heart really flutter was the glowing presence sitting beside him.
"HyeSung, what are we doing here?" ChilHyun asked again, tilting his head to one side, trying to get a better look at his companion.
The brown-haired boy clad in white only smiled and pointed. "Look up," came the soft voice.
Raising an eyebrow, ChilHyun followed. "The stars?" At the all-too-enthusiastic nod he got, ChilHyun could only smile.
"You remembered last christmas?" He asked.
ChilHyun nodded, folding the sleeve of his dark blue shirt before letting the water touch his hand.
"You asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted the stars."
The older boy chuckled, recalling the incident. He remembered giving HyeSung an incredulous look as he asked how to give stars as present.
"But you didn't give me that," HyeSung pouted for a moment, before another smile broke on his face. "It's okay cause now I'm giving you what I want."
"Why are you giving me something that you want?"
"Cause I know you'd like it. And I feel like sharing anyway," HyeSung answered cheerfully.
"But how do I get the stars?" ChilHyun asked.
"Like this."
ChilHyun watched HyeSung stretch one arm towards the darkened sky. Slowly, he closed his palm, as if he had really grabbed some of those twinkling starlets hanging in the cloudless heaven. He withdrew his hand and immediately turned to his right, giving ChilHyun a grin. Inching closer, he brought his closed palm under the other's nose and whispered, "Hyunnie, watch."
With both pair of eyes glued on HyeSung's clenched fist, ChilHyun couldn't help but feel himself tense. He watched HyeSung's fair complexion broke into a smile as the latter opened his palm and threw whatever he was holding inside up in the air. The older of the two could only gasp in awe as tiny bits and pieces of unknown objects began to twinkle like stars would. His brown eyes followed the brilliant sparkles as they descended in a slow motion only to mingle with the golden sand beneath.
"What was that?" came the soft, awed enquiry.
"Stardust.." HyeSung then gave a sheepish chuckle. "Oh well, it wasn't really what I wanted, but," he paused to give ChilHyun another smile. "It's a pretty good substitute isn't it?"
Nodding his head in agreement, ChilHyun returned the smile with a slight laughter of his own. He didn't expect himself to come thus far only to stargaze, but that was what the duo ended up doing anyway. Perhaps, so ChilHyun thought deep within, that was HyeSung's aim in the first place. Heaving a soft sigh, ChilHyun picked his head and let his mind wander as his eyes watched the glittering stars. Somehow or rather, they reminded him of a particular someone winking back at him.
He didn't know how it happened, and he didn't wish to explicate the reasoning behind either, but when he finally realised, he had found HyeSung gravitating towards him. Perhaps it was the cold night, perhaps it was the fact that HyeSung was only wearing a thin shirt, but the younger boy seemed to be inching even closer to the only source of heat present. Then again, it might be the other way around. But anyway, by the time he noticed the shift, they were already joined from hips upwards and his dongsaeng had taken the liberty to put his head on the other's shoulder.
"Sung-"
"I'm sleepy," he heard the other whine, cutting his words.
Holding his breath, ChilHyun watched HyeSung who had closed his eyes from his peripheral vision and almost immediately, his whole demeanour softened at the sight. Soft strands of dyed hair began to tickle his face as they were lifted by the gentle wind. After a long moment of blatant staring, ChilHyun only tore his gaze away when he felt random droplets of rain began to fall out of nowhere. Alternating his vision from the blissfully asleep and the sky, the older of the two couldn't decide if he should wake the sleeping beauty.
"HyeSungie," he tried. "Come on, wake up. We had to head home soon.."
"Uhn.."
Blinking at the incoherent noises the brown head was making, ChilHyun tried again.
"HyeSungie~"
"5 more minutes, Umma..." came the slurred plea.
"HyeSung, I'm not your umma," ChilHyun tried to protest but when the figure didn't budge, he heaved a resigned sigh. Smiling at the sleeping figure, he whispered, "Just 5 more minutes..."
That summer night, when the rain began to fall upon the two lone figures, he learnt to cherish.
~*~
"Aw man, why must it rain now?" HyeSung whined, following the blurred shadow of his hyung in front of him.
"Aish, stop whining and keep running," ChilHyun grumbled, not too pleased at his current bedraggled state. He cursed inwardly at the fact that there seem to be no shelter in sight. In fact, though he had absolutely no idea why, the area seemed to be deserted too. Cursing even more, ChilHyun kept his pace and wished that either he somehow find themselves somewhere to avoid the rain or for the rain to stop. Now he wished that he had brought his car earlier.
"Hyunnie, there's a tree in front!!"
Though he had doubts that hiding under a tree would help much, ChilHyun cheered anyway. To their luck, although the heavy rain didn't stop, it had turned milder once they reached the canopy-like shelter the ancient tree provided. Grumbling again at his drenched disposition, ChilHyun tried his best to keep himself dry. But when he looked up from his fuss, he found out that he could only stare. There standing beside him was a dismayed HyeSung equally wet and unhappy.
"Now I'm all wet!" HyeSung complained, shaking the water out of his hair as he gave a small frown.
ChilHyun watched the cinnamon coloured hair, now dyed black by water, framing that feminine face of his dongsaeng. That annoyingly cute frown that was etched on his forehead as HyeSung continued to fuss over himself. The shirt he was wearing clung to the slender figure in a way that sent numerous suggestive thoughts into his mind that he would rather not entertain at the moment. He followed the lone drop of water trailing its way from his hair, down the smooth contour of his cheek only to fall from his jaw. He looked at the other person and somehow, ChilHyun found something within his heart blossom.
"Hey, why are you staring at me like that?" HyeSung peered in, giving ChilHyun an amused quirk of his lips. "Am I really that nice to look at?"
Before he knew it, ChilHyun already found himself nodding in agreement to whatever statement HyeSung made.
While HyeSung was surprised at the unexpected answer and busy trying to fight the creeping blush away, the older boy took the opportunity to step forward and gave in to his impulse. He leaned forward and took HyeSung's lips in his. He felt the other boy froze in surprise at the sudden contact but slowly, HyeSung gave in to the embrace and accepted the kiss. Gradually, ChilHyun let his tongue trace the trembling lower lip as if asking for permission to enter. Sweet flavour of peppermint and jasmine touched his senses as he began to explore the deep recesses of his mouth.
Against the golden hue of the setting sun behind the drizzle, the two figures melted into each other's arms. Gentle wind lifted the rusty leaves on the ground, as if trying to embrace the two lovers. Breaths mingled as one, fingers intertwined and the rain neglected, all they recognised was the other's warm presence. And everything else was forgotten.
That autumn, when the unretrieved raindrops fell from the black strands of his hair and touched the wet soil, he learnt to love.
~*~
"So..."
"So..." ChilHyun mimicked. He didn't know why he was having this nagging feeling in his heart. Something he didn't like. Something foreboding. Something that told him that somehow, they were falling apart. For the first time, much to his surprise, HyeSung insisted to walk him home instead of the other way round, the latter being the usual routine they had followed for years. He didn't wish to brood over it. He didn't want to think about it either. But he couldn't help himself.
He sighed at the sight of his house in front of him. Never before the walk home seemed so short.
"Hyunnie, you okay?"
Shaking those bizzare thoughts that managed to enter his brain, ChilHyun forced a smile out. He didn't know if he was trying to reassure his concerned friend, or himself.
HyeSung leaned forward and planted a gentle, feather-like kiss on ChilHyun's forehead. "Good night, ChilHyun..." He whispered.
"HyeSung," ChilHyun called, for a moment silencing the raging protests screaming within his mind.
HyeSung stopped mid-step, paused for a moment that seemed too long and then turned around to give ChilHyun a questioning smile. "What is it, Hyunnie?"
"I- We..." His voice faltered. "There's nothing wrong with.. us, right?"
HyeSung gazed into ChilHyun's twin pools of deep brown for a few silent moments before answering in a soft whisper. "I'm still fighting for you and me..." Giving a bright smile, one that's too bright but seemed normal to untrained eyes, HyeSung replied in a louder voice. "You think too much..."
Keeping his silence, ChilHyun could only watch the white fumes appear as the other breathed in the cold atmosphere. Retracing his steps, HyeSung enveloped his hyung in a loose embrace once he was less than an inch away from the confused figure. "Hyun-ah.." HyeSung whispered, his breath tickling ChilHyun's ears. "You think too much..."
They stayed like that in each other's arms for a while as snowflake began to meander their way down in a slow motion. Heaving a soft sigh, HyeSung let go of his arms and kissed ChilHyun on his cheek. It was exactly like the one he gave earlier and somehow the older boy knew, when he kissed him like that, it's all over.
"Good night..."
That winter, when the snow fell and blurred his sight, he learnt to cry.
~*~
ChilHyun sighed as he stared at his handphone. He wouldn't come. Somehow, his mind finally concluded that the one he had been waiting for wouldn't turn up after all. "If he will, he would have by now," ChilHyun whispered to himself, closing his eyes as he once again rested his forehead against his intertwined fingers. Sitting alone on the wooden bench by the park, Ahn ChilHyun ignored the increasing pressure of the raindrops falling against his body.
His thoughts went away and never came back as he tried to come up with possible explanations as to why they were breaking apart. He never understood why and HyeSung never said a word. All he came up with was a short "I'm sorry" and they were history. His heart protested violently at the rejection, his mind raked every possible reasons and yet, ChilHyun couldn't find the voice in him to confront the situation. That night, when HyeSung came to him, his eyes seemed to plead for ChilHyun to let him go. And somehow, he couldn't deny the wish. Not when those pair of melanin irises held so much sorrow within them.
The rain began to beat mercilessly against him as he pursued the gem of thought that had been with him for some time. He silently stared at the water droplets falling against the metallic surface of his handphone, somehow willing the device to give him a chance. He felt water in his hair, he felt water on his clothes, he felt water all around him. When his vision started to blur, he refused to believe that he teared.
"HyeSung..."
Whispering the name amidst the pitter patter of the shower, ChilHyun heaved a deep, dejected sigh. After a few moments of more contemplation, ChilHyun finally looked up when he felt a shadow hover over him and that he was amazingly sheltered from the rain.
"What are you doing here?"
At the all-too-familiar voice, at the sight of the one he was pinning for standing in front of him with an umbrella in a black-gloved hand, ChilHyun could only force himself to smile. "I told you I'm waiting for you..."
"Hyun-ah.. Don't make things harder than it already is for us..." The brown-haired boy in black uttered in a trembling voice. "Why are you doing this to yourself? I'm not worth it."
"HyeSung.."
"I'm not worth it. I'm not even willing to fight, so why are you torturing yourself?"
Feeling a sudden upsurge of his pent-up anger, confusion and frustration all mixed together, ChilHyun abruptly rose from his seat and grabbed HyeSung's shoulders. "For God's sake, I loved you! I still love you, how do you expect me to give up so easily?" ChilHyun shouted.
Shaking the boy who had closed his eyes and turned his face away, ChilHyun continued, "HyeSung, why can't you stay? What are you fighting for? What are you fighting against? Don't you love me anymore? Am I not good enough for you? Why are you doing this to us? Why are you-"
"Dammit, ChilHyun!!" Came the equally enraged voice from the younger of the two. Throwing his arms in the air, HyeSung screamed. "You know how my father is! You know I can't stay! You know we can't be together! So get it into your thick skull that I'm leaving!"
For a moment, amidst the pouring rain, they were lost in each other's eyes.
"Hyun-ah.. I need to leave.."
"..."
"Don't-" The brown-haired figure choked. "Don't make things harder for us. For you and for me."
HyeSung searched his companion's eyes for an understanding and to his dismay, he found none.
"If it'd make you feel better," he continued softly, but still loud enough to be audible above the sound of the rain splashing against the ground. "I've never loved you in the first place." With that said, he turned on his heels and left. ChilHyun could only fall back to his seat as he watched his love walk away.
That spring, as the rain only allowed him a hazy glimpse of the retreating silhouette, he learnt to hate.
That same spring, as his words engraved a permanent mark on one's heart, HyeSung learnt to lie.
~*~
"ChilHyun?"
ChilHyun looked up from his reverie, picking his forehead from leaning against his intertwined fingers to grace whoever had called his name with half dazed eyes. Dark brown hair entered his vision as he tried to put a name to the face in his malfunctioning intelligence.
"Lee JiHoon?" He finally managed.
"What are you doing here?"
ChilHyun smiled. He seemed to be hearing a lot of that. "I'm waiting for HyeSung," he answered, only to frown when JiHoon gave a gasp at the mention of their friend's name. His lover's name. Ex-lover.
"Hyunnie, snap out of it." JiHoon started, his voice rising just as his worry heightened. "How long has it been? God, I miss him too but he's gone, Hyun, he's gone. Stop acting like he's still here!"
"Wha- what are you talking about?"
"Ahn ChilHyun!! You know he won't come! You know it so stop denying the truth. He won't come." JiHoon paused, his wavering voice began to falter even more as his eyes began to mist at the remembrance. "Even if he wanted to.. He can't..
"Hyunnie-yah.. let him go. He's gone."
Jerking up to stand face-to-face with JiHoon, ChilHyun shook his head in denial even as fragments of his memory came back to him in an unbidden stream. "No.. It's not true..." ChilHyun began to tremble. "It's not true.. He'll come back to me. He will.."
He grabbed JiHoon's shoulders, just like how he did HyeSung's last spring. "JiHoon, tell me he'll come back to me. Tell me he'll come back.."
"ChilHyun, HyeSung is dead."
That moment the words were uttered, that moment he realised that his love won't ever come back, he cried.
~*~
ChilHyun let his eyes rest on the smiling photograph of his best friend. He almost scoffed. Best friend. That was what they were. Best friend. Nothing more. They never said they would cross that thin line, and yet they both knew they were meant for each other. ChilHyun bit his lips as he felt a wave of sadness wash over him. Best friend...
He wanted to cry, he wanted to weep, but he found his eyes unbelieveably dry. "You don't want to see me cry, do you?" He asked, mostly directing the question to one that wouldn't answer him.
"It's such a pity for him to die at such a young age.."
"I agree.. He's such a promising young man. The plane crash was a huge blow to his family.."
"But he had such a great future here, why would he want to go to the United States?"
"Just between you and me, I heard his father sent him away."
"But why?"
"Heard he's unstable in his mind. Or things like that. I heard he likes boys."
"Really? How shameful!"
"That's what I heard. His father blew his top and of course to protect their hard-built reputation, the only way was to-"
"Send him away."
"Right..."
ChilHyun closed his dry eyes as the incessant chatter from anonymous people around him began to intensify.
"Is that why you left?
"HyeSung, is that why you left?
"Did you really leave me for those ignorant people who don't even give a damn to look deeper into things and could only spout nonsense?
"Did you really..."
Feeling the overwhelming anguish within him, he finally understood why HyeSung looked the way he was when the latter told him that he couldn't stay.
~*~
Holding the envelope carefully, ChilHyun retrieved the photographs that were safely kept within. His smile turned wistful at the faded script bearing his name on the surface that had turned yellow from age. HyeSung had sent the envelope a day before the crash took away his life. There was no letter, no note, nothing to explain his sudden decision to depart. Held within were only 6 pieces of photographs. A gentle smile touched his lips as he began to rearrange the pictures in a way that he had memorised by heart.
"Hyun!! Listen, I have 6 pieces of photographs and I'm going to tell you how they look like one by one in sequence. Try to picture them in your mind and see if you can get the message out."
"What is this supposed to be?"
"It's just a game I found somewhere. Now listen, the first one is a long, straight whistle with a key ring attached to it."
ChilHyun placed the picture with a silver whistle imprinted on it on the top most row.
"The second one is a lil' harder. It's actually the fences you can find in a jetty, but only part of it is in the photograph."
"Huh?"
Smiling at the sweet reminiscence, ChilHyun placed the aforemention picture on the second row, below the first picture.
"Never mind, you can figure that out later. The rest is easy!! The third is a blotted ink in the shape of a heart, followed by a picture of a clock showing the time ten to two. Then there's this 3 strips of cloth flying horizontally in the air, I don't know what it's called but they use it to check wind direction, I think.."
"Sungie.. Are you trying to trick me?"
ChilHyun placed the three photographs one by one in sequence on the second row. His eyes lingered on the half-formed message hidden in the pictures. Fingering the last piece of photograph in his hand, he couldn't help but recall the sweet smile HyeSung had given him all those times. Slowly, he put it on the third row, below the four pictures. It was the most obvious of all six, and perhaps the key to unraveling the phrase concealed within.
"Of course not!! Here's the last one, it's beans on a plate deliberately arranged in the shape of a letter 'U'."
"Oh! So all of them are letters?!"
"Go figure~"
ChilHyun swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes misted as he looked at the photographs once through. Whispering the words that they had been holding back all these while, after so many months of suppresion and denial, ChilHyun finally let his tears fall.
This was what we had been meaning to say that summer night when we were nineteen.
"I love you..."
"I love you?"
"Bingo!! It's quite a romantic way to confess, isn't it?"
"You're hopeless, Sung."
"Pfftt~ You're no fun!!"
"I love you too..."
"Rainy" days"
[end]
~*~
A/N: Inspiration taken from Jay Chou 周杰伦 《晴天》MV. <3
Author: 79_percent
Rating: PG-13
Form: One-shot
Fandom: Group S
Pairing: SungTa
Genre: Angst
Summary: ChilHyun wanted HyeSung to come back. HyeSung wanted to make ChilHyun understand that he couldn't. Not anymore.
This was what we had been meaning to say that summer night when we were nineteen.
HyeSung paused, his eyes betrayed the emotions that he was trying to suppress. His soft gaze strayed to the words neatly written on the white surface of the envelope on his palm. He traced the name gently with his thumb, suddenly feeling a sense of regret and sadness mingled together wash over him. Unbidden droplets of rain slowly blurred both his eyes and the edges of his writing. Smiling in forced determination, somehow making his decision final, HyeSung placed the envelope into the slight opening of the mailbox.
He didn't know what hurt him more. For him to leave, or for he himself to leave him.
I'm sorry...
HyeSung let go of his trembling hold and almost immediately, the envelope disappeared from his sight. That was the least he could do for himself. He knew he couldn't turn back anymore. Turning on his heels, the brown haired figure shoved his black-gloved hands deep within the recesses of his trenchcoat pockets.
He didn't know what hurt him more. The rain, or the deep, unfulfilled longing in his heart.
That spring, within the embrace of the cold wind and the rain, only leaving a hazy trail of lonely shadow, HyeSung left.
A X-Over Fan-fiction
"Rainy Days"
[One Shot]
~*~
"I'll wait for you.. No matter how long it'll be, I'll be there."
His eyes wandered to re-read the cold words on the screen. Closing his phone with a soft click, ChilHyun could only heave a dejected sigh. He wasn't sure if the other would come; he wasn't sure if the other person would even reply. He didn't even know where he was. It seemed like everything was just a futile attempt for him to salvage their relationship. If there was one to begin with.
They met at the end of highschool and had been together through college years and a little more. Now that he recalled, they had never really started. None of them initiated, none of them said the words, but deep inside, they knew they were meant for each other. At least, that was what ChilHyun would like to believe. Until one day, his boyfriend started to act differently. The change was so subtle that it caught him off guard. He didn't realise the difference until it was too late and when HyeSung started to drift away from him, his world fell apart.
He exhaled deeply. The park where he had docked himself in was deserted. There wasn't any other soul except for a pair of young couple walking hand in hand and himself. Smiling wistfully against the setting sun, he shook the overlapping imagination of his brown-haired lover away. Resting his forehead against his intertwined fingers, ChilHyun let his thoughts wander.
~*~
It was just two summers ago when the younger of the two dragged him out and away from the hustle and bustle of the hectic city life of Seoul and brought him to a world of amazing wonderment. Towards the tail of their summer holiday, HyeSung made him drive three whole hours to a nameless, isolated beach somewhere at the countryside. Until now, he never discovered how his dongsaeng knew about that beach in the first place. By the time they reached there, dusk had fallen and stars began to twinkle against the onyx black backdrop of the night sky.
"HyeSungie, what are we doing here?" ChilHyun sighed, frowning at the boy who had a firm grip on his wrist and was dragging him along the sandy surface of the beach. The answer he got back then was only a huge, sweet smile that HyeSung always gave him and nothing else. Feeling the contagious effect of that warm expression, ChilHyun found his lips start to twitch in the beginning of a smile.
Once they reached the end of the beach, just right where the water touched the darkened golden surface, HyeSung made the older boy sit beside him. ChilHyun only followed wordlessly, mind wandering to what his friend was thinking as he let his fingers touch the cool surface of the water. The sound of the beating waves calmed his being, the vintage presented before him was maginificent, but what made his heart really flutter was the glowing presence sitting beside him.
"HyeSung, what are we doing here?" ChilHyun asked again, tilting his head to one side, trying to get a better look at his companion.
The brown-haired boy clad in white only smiled and pointed. "Look up," came the soft voice.
Raising an eyebrow, ChilHyun followed. "The stars?" At the all-too-enthusiastic nod he got, ChilHyun could only smile.
"You remembered last christmas?" He asked.
ChilHyun nodded, folding the sleeve of his dark blue shirt before letting the water touch his hand.
"You asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted the stars."
The older boy chuckled, recalling the incident. He remembered giving HyeSung an incredulous look as he asked how to give stars as present.
"But you didn't give me that," HyeSung pouted for a moment, before another smile broke on his face. "It's okay cause now I'm giving you what I want."
"Why are you giving me something that you want?"
"Cause I know you'd like it. And I feel like sharing anyway," HyeSung answered cheerfully.
"But how do I get the stars?" ChilHyun asked.
"Like this."
ChilHyun watched HyeSung stretch one arm towards the darkened sky. Slowly, he closed his palm, as if he had really grabbed some of those twinkling starlets hanging in the cloudless heaven. He withdrew his hand and immediately turned to his right, giving ChilHyun a grin. Inching closer, he brought his closed palm under the other's nose and whispered, "Hyunnie, watch."
With both pair of eyes glued on HyeSung's clenched fist, ChilHyun couldn't help but feel himself tense. He watched HyeSung's fair complexion broke into a smile as the latter opened his palm and threw whatever he was holding inside up in the air. The older of the two could only gasp in awe as tiny bits and pieces of unknown objects began to twinkle like stars would. His brown eyes followed the brilliant sparkles as they descended in a slow motion only to mingle with the golden sand beneath.
"What was that?" came the soft, awed enquiry.
"Stardust.." HyeSung then gave a sheepish chuckle. "Oh well, it wasn't really what I wanted, but," he paused to give ChilHyun another smile. "It's a pretty good substitute isn't it?"
Nodding his head in agreement, ChilHyun returned the smile with a slight laughter of his own. He didn't expect himself to come thus far only to stargaze, but that was what the duo ended up doing anyway. Perhaps, so ChilHyun thought deep within, that was HyeSung's aim in the first place. Heaving a soft sigh, ChilHyun picked his head and let his mind wander as his eyes watched the glittering stars. Somehow or rather, they reminded him of a particular someone winking back at him.
He didn't know how it happened, and he didn't wish to explicate the reasoning behind either, but when he finally realised, he had found HyeSung gravitating towards him. Perhaps it was the cold night, perhaps it was the fact that HyeSung was only wearing a thin shirt, but the younger boy seemed to be inching even closer to the only source of heat present. Then again, it might be the other way around. But anyway, by the time he noticed the shift, they were already joined from hips upwards and his dongsaeng had taken the liberty to put his head on the other's shoulder.
"Sung-"
"I'm sleepy," he heard the other whine, cutting his words.
Holding his breath, ChilHyun watched HyeSung who had closed his eyes from his peripheral vision and almost immediately, his whole demeanour softened at the sight. Soft strands of dyed hair began to tickle his face as they were lifted by the gentle wind. After a long moment of blatant staring, ChilHyun only tore his gaze away when he felt random droplets of rain began to fall out of nowhere. Alternating his vision from the blissfully asleep and the sky, the older of the two couldn't decide if he should wake the sleeping beauty.
"HyeSungie," he tried. "Come on, wake up. We had to head home soon.."
"Uhn.."
Blinking at the incoherent noises the brown head was making, ChilHyun tried again.
"HyeSungie~"
"5 more minutes, Umma..." came the slurred plea.
"HyeSung, I'm not your umma," ChilHyun tried to protest but when the figure didn't budge, he heaved a resigned sigh. Smiling at the sleeping figure, he whispered, "Just 5 more minutes..."
That summer night, when the rain began to fall upon the two lone figures, he learnt to cherish.
~*~
"Aw man, why must it rain now?" HyeSung whined, following the blurred shadow of his hyung in front of him.
"Aish, stop whining and keep running," ChilHyun grumbled, not too pleased at his current bedraggled state. He cursed inwardly at the fact that there seem to be no shelter in sight. In fact, though he had absolutely no idea why, the area seemed to be deserted too. Cursing even more, ChilHyun kept his pace and wished that either he somehow find themselves somewhere to avoid the rain or for the rain to stop. Now he wished that he had brought his car earlier.
"Hyunnie, there's a tree in front!!"
Though he had doubts that hiding under a tree would help much, ChilHyun cheered anyway. To their luck, although the heavy rain didn't stop, it had turned milder once they reached the canopy-like shelter the ancient tree provided. Grumbling again at his drenched disposition, ChilHyun tried his best to keep himself dry. But when he looked up from his fuss, he found out that he could only stare. There standing beside him was a dismayed HyeSung equally wet and unhappy.
"Now I'm all wet!" HyeSung complained, shaking the water out of his hair as he gave a small frown.
ChilHyun watched the cinnamon coloured hair, now dyed black by water, framing that feminine face of his dongsaeng. That annoyingly cute frown that was etched on his forehead as HyeSung continued to fuss over himself. The shirt he was wearing clung to the slender figure in a way that sent numerous suggestive thoughts into his mind that he would rather not entertain at the moment. He followed the lone drop of water trailing its way from his hair, down the smooth contour of his cheek only to fall from his jaw. He looked at the other person and somehow, ChilHyun found something within his heart blossom.
"Hey, why are you staring at me like that?" HyeSung peered in, giving ChilHyun an amused quirk of his lips. "Am I really that nice to look at?"
Before he knew it, ChilHyun already found himself nodding in agreement to whatever statement HyeSung made.
While HyeSung was surprised at the unexpected answer and busy trying to fight the creeping blush away, the older boy took the opportunity to step forward and gave in to his impulse. He leaned forward and took HyeSung's lips in his. He felt the other boy froze in surprise at the sudden contact but slowly, HyeSung gave in to the embrace and accepted the kiss. Gradually, ChilHyun let his tongue trace the trembling lower lip as if asking for permission to enter. Sweet flavour of peppermint and jasmine touched his senses as he began to explore the deep recesses of his mouth.
Against the golden hue of the setting sun behind the drizzle, the two figures melted into each other's arms. Gentle wind lifted the rusty leaves on the ground, as if trying to embrace the two lovers. Breaths mingled as one, fingers intertwined and the rain neglected, all they recognised was the other's warm presence. And everything else was forgotten.
That autumn, when the unretrieved raindrops fell from the black strands of his hair and touched the wet soil, he learnt to love.
~*~
"So..."
"So..." ChilHyun mimicked. He didn't know why he was having this nagging feeling in his heart. Something he didn't like. Something foreboding. Something that told him that somehow, they were falling apart. For the first time, much to his surprise, HyeSung insisted to walk him home instead of the other way round, the latter being the usual routine they had followed for years. He didn't wish to brood over it. He didn't want to think about it either. But he couldn't help himself.
He sighed at the sight of his house in front of him. Never before the walk home seemed so short.
"Hyunnie, you okay?"
Shaking those bizzare thoughts that managed to enter his brain, ChilHyun forced a smile out. He didn't know if he was trying to reassure his concerned friend, or himself.
HyeSung leaned forward and planted a gentle, feather-like kiss on ChilHyun's forehead. "Good night, ChilHyun..." He whispered.
"HyeSung," ChilHyun called, for a moment silencing the raging protests screaming within his mind.
HyeSung stopped mid-step, paused for a moment that seemed too long and then turned around to give ChilHyun a questioning smile. "What is it, Hyunnie?"
"I- We..." His voice faltered. "There's nothing wrong with.. us, right?"
HyeSung gazed into ChilHyun's twin pools of deep brown for a few silent moments before answering in a soft whisper. "I'm still fighting for you and me..." Giving a bright smile, one that's too bright but seemed normal to untrained eyes, HyeSung replied in a louder voice. "You think too much..."
Keeping his silence, ChilHyun could only watch the white fumes appear as the other breathed in the cold atmosphere. Retracing his steps, HyeSung enveloped his hyung in a loose embrace once he was less than an inch away from the confused figure. "Hyun-ah.." HyeSung whispered, his breath tickling ChilHyun's ears. "You think too much..."
They stayed like that in each other's arms for a while as snowflake began to meander their way down in a slow motion. Heaving a soft sigh, HyeSung let go of his arms and kissed ChilHyun on his cheek. It was exactly like the one he gave earlier and somehow the older boy knew, when he kissed him like that, it's all over.
"Good night..."
That winter, when the snow fell and blurred his sight, he learnt to cry.
~*~
ChilHyun sighed as he stared at his handphone. He wouldn't come. Somehow, his mind finally concluded that the one he had been waiting for wouldn't turn up after all. "If he will, he would have by now," ChilHyun whispered to himself, closing his eyes as he once again rested his forehead against his intertwined fingers. Sitting alone on the wooden bench by the park, Ahn ChilHyun ignored the increasing pressure of the raindrops falling against his body.
His thoughts went away and never came back as he tried to come up with possible explanations as to why they were breaking apart. He never understood why and HyeSung never said a word. All he came up with was a short "I'm sorry" and they were history. His heart protested violently at the rejection, his mind raked every possible reasons and yet, ChilHyun couldn't find the voice in him to confront the situation. That night, when HyeSung came to him, his eyes seemed to plead for ChilHyun to let him go. And somehow, he couldn't deny the wish. Not when those pair of melanin irises held so much sorrow within them.
The rain began to beat mercilessly against him as he pursued the gem of thought that had been with him for some time. He silently stared at the water droplets falling against the metallic surface of his handphone, somehow willing the device to give him a chance. He felt water in his hair, he felt water on his clothes, he felt water all around him. When his vision started to blur, he refused to believe that he teared.
"HyeSung..."
Whispering the name amidst the pitter patter of the shower, ChilHyun heaved a deep, dejected sigh. After a few moments of more contemplation, ChilHyun finally looked up when he felt a shadow hover over him and that he was amazingly sheltered from the rain.
"What are you doing here?"
At the all-too-familiar voice, at the sight of the one he was pinning for standing in front of him with an umbrella in a black-gloved hand, ChilHyun could only force himself to smile. "I told you I'm waiting for you..."
"Hyun-ah.. Don't make things harder than it already is for us..." The brown-haired boy in black uttered in a trembling voice. "Why are you doing this to yourself? I'm not worth it."
"HyeSung.."
"I'm not worth it. I'm not even willing to fight, so why are you torturing yourself?"
Feeling a sudden upsurge of his pent-up anger, confusion and frustration all mixed together, ChilHyun abruptly rose from his seat and grabbed HyeSung's shoulders. "For God's sake, I loved you! I still love you, how do you expect me to give up so easily?" ChilHyun shouted.
Shaking the boy who had closed his eyes and turned his face away, ChilHyun continued, "HyeSung, why can't you stay? What are you fighting for? What are you fighting against? Don't you love me anymore? Am I not good enough for you? Why are you doing this to us? Why are you-"
"Dammit, ChilHyun!!" Came the equally enraged voice from the younger of the two. Throwing his arms in the air, HyeSung screamed. "You know how my father is! You know I can't stay! You know we can't be together! So get it into your thick skull that I'm leaving!"
For a moment, amidst the pouring rain, they were lost in each other's eyes.
"Hyun-ah.. I need to leave.."
"..."
"Don't-" The brown-haired figure choked. "Don't make things harder for us. For you and for me."
HyeSung searched his companion's eyes for an understanding and to his dismay, he found none.
"If it'd make you feel better," he continued softly, but still loud enough to be audible above the sound of the rain splashing against the ground. "I've never loved you in the first place." With that said, he turned on his heels and left. ChilHyun could only fall back to his seat as he watched his love walk away.
That spring, as the rain only allowed him a hazy glimpse of the retreating silhouette, he learnt to hate.
That same spring, as his words engraved a permanent mark on one's heart, HyeSung learnt to lie.
~*~
"ChilHyun?"
ChilHyun looked up from his reverie, picking his forehead from leaning against his intertwined fingers to grace whoever had called his name with half dazed eyes. Dark brown hair entered his vision as he tried to put a name to the face in his malfunctioning intelligence.
"Lee JiHoon?" He finally managed.
"What are you doing here?"
ChilHyun smiled. He seemed to be hearing a lot of that. "I'm waiting for HyeSung," he answered, only to frown when JiHoon gave a gasp at the mention of their friend's name. His lover's name. Ex-lover.
"Hyunnie, snap out of it." JiHoon started, his voice rising just as his worry heightened. "How long has it been? God, I miss him too but he's gone, Hyun, he's gone. Stop acting like he's still here!"
"Wha- what are you talking about?"
"Ahn ChilHyun!! You know he won't come! You know it so stop denying the truth. He won't come." JiHoon paused, his wavering voice began to falter even more as his eyes began to mist at the remembrance. "Even if he wanted to.. He can't..
"Hyunnie-yah.. let him go. He's gone."
Jerking up to stand face-to-face with JiHoon, ChilHyun shook his head in denial even as fragments of his memory came back to him in an unbidden stream. "No.. It's not true..." ChilHyun began to tremble. "It's not true.. He'll come back to me. He will.."
He grabbed JiHoon's shoulders, just like how he did HyeSung's last spring. "JiHoon, tell me he'll come back to me. Tell me he'll come back.."
"ChilHyun, HyeSung is dead."
That moment the words were uttered, that moment he realised that his love won't ever come back, he cried.
~*~
ChilHyun let his eyes rest on the smiling photograph of his best friend. He almost scoffed. Best friend. That was what they were. Best friend. Nothing more. They never said they would cross that thin line, and yet they both knew they were meant for each other. ChilHyun bit his lips as he felt a wave of sadness wash over him. Best friend...
He wanted to cry, he wanted to weep, but he found his eyes unbelieveably dry. "You don't want to see me cry, do you?" He asked, mostly directing the question to one that wouldn't answer him.
"It's such a pity for him to die at such a young age.."
"I agree.. He's such a promising young man. The plane crash was a huge blow to his family.."
"But he had such a great future here, why would he want to go to the United States?"
"Just between you and me, I heard his father sent him away."
"But why?"
"Heard he's unstable in his mind. Or things like that. I heard he likes boys."
"Really? How shameful!"
"That's what I heard. His father blew his top and of course to protect their hard-built reputation, the only way was to-"
"Send him away."
"Right..."
ChilHyun closed his dry eyes as the incessant chatter from anonymous people around him began to intensify.
"Is that why you left?
"HyeSung, is that why you left?
"Did you really leave me for those ignorant people who don't even give a damn to look deeper into things and could only spout nonsense?
"Did you really..."
Feeling the overwhelming anguish within him, he finally understood why HyeSung looked the way he was when the latter told him that he couldn't stay.
~*~
Holding the envelope carefully, ChilHyun retrieved the photographs that were safely kept within. His smile turned wistful at the faded script bearing his name on the surface that had turned yellow from age. HyeSung had sent the envelope a day before the crash took away his life. There was no letter, no note, nothing to explain his sudden decision to depart. Held within were only 6 pieces of photographs. A gentle smile touched his lips as he began to rearrange the pictures in a way that he had memorised by heart.
"Hyun!! Listen, I have 6 pieces of photographs and I'm going to tell you how they look like one by one in sequence. Try to picture them in your mind and see if you can get the message out."
"What is this supposed to be?"
"It's just a game I found somewhere. Now listen, the first one is a long, straight whistle with a key ring attached to it."
ChilHyun placed the picture with a silver whistle imprinted on it on the top most row.
"The second one is a lil' harder. It's actually the fences you can find in a jetty, but only part of it is in the photograph."
"Huh?"
Smiling at the sweet reminiscence, ChilHyun placed the aforemention picture on the second row, below the first picture.
"Never mind, you can figure that out later. The rest is easy!! The third is a blotted ink in the shape of a heart, followed by a picture of a clock showing the time ten to two. Then there's this 3 strips of cloth flying horizontally in the air, I don't know what it's called but they use it to check wind direction, I think.."
"Sungie.. Are you trying to trick me?"
ChilHyun placed the three photographs one by one in sequence on the second row. His eyes lingered on the half-formed message hidden in the pictures. Fingering the last piece of photograph in his hand, he couldn't help but recall the sweet smile HyeSung had given him all those times. Slowly, he put it on the third row, below the four pictures. It was the most obvious of all six, and perhaps the key to unraveling the phrase concealed within.
"Of course not!! Here's the last one, it's beans on a plate deliberately arranged in the shape of a letter 'U'."
"Oh! So all of them are letters?!"
"Go figure~"
ChilHyun swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes misted as he looked at the photographs once through. Whispering the words that they had been holding back all these while, after so many months of suppresion and denial, ChilHyun finally let his tears fall.
This was what we had been meaning to say that summer night when we were nineteen.
"I love you..."
"I love you?"
"Bingo!! It's quite a romantic way to confess, isn't it?"
"You're hopeless, Sung."
"Pfftt~ You're no fun!!"
"I love you too..."
"Rainy" days"
[end]
~*~
A/N: Inspiration taken from Jay Chou 周杰伦 《晴天》MV. <3