a gender-broken retelling of my IBW drama
The chemistry that I felt with Lee was apparent the instant he got out of the car. I could only see his head since he was on the other side from me, but he just sort of bounded over to give me a hug with a "hey there, pretty lady." I was working gate and welcoming newcomers with shots of lemoncello and absinthe. They had to ring the gong to announce their arrival at the Italian Burn Weekend. I turned to my roommate Chris and said, "Wow! Okay, he's hot." He was just wearing a funky t-shirt and jeans, but it looked really good on his body. He was built like a brick, and when I gave him a hug, I could feel his strength pressed up against me. That was something I wanted more of, but he was probably a little out of my league. Anyway, I don't drink or do drugs much either, and since so many people do in the burn community, chances were low that he'd be interested in me. He seemed like a party boy. Whatever, nice hug and really nice to look at.
Fast forward several hours, and we're sitting under the grape trellis at the table talking with a few other people around. Costumes were out and about so the event felt festive. We're exchanging little bits and pieces of our selves and who we are. I told him about a night when I was trying to "snare a man" back in college. He said that I had been showing a "sorority attitude." Really? A sorority attitude? Whatever. It was a ridiculous story. I've never been interested in being in a sorority in my life. He obviously doesn't know me. I told him, "I think we're done here," and he left.
Maybe an hour later Lee came up to me near the bar and said, "look, I didn't mean to offend you or anything. I apologize if I did." That was actually really nice of him, and I thought that was worth acknowledging. "Thank you. I was probably being a little sensitive. I've never liked sororities and I think I had different motivations about that silly situation. We don't really know each other, so I can see how you jumped to that conclusion." I kissed the side of his neck to let him know I thought he was still pretty special. We ended up dancing together for about half an hour before he went running off again, but it was a good thirty minutes.
The next day, Saturday, Lee asked me to go on a walk. I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I was hopeful that it meant he was interested in me. We walked out by some fields and up onto the high speed train tracks. While we were walking across a bridge one of the trains came zooming by and that felt amazing. I really wanted to jump on him and kiss him right then, but the moment passed too quickly. It's been a long time since I've met a guy I'd like to kiss, and I just wasn't ready. We walked and talked some more, but even though there were a few other moments that almost felt right, a kiss never happened.
Another flash forward of several hours, and I'm standing under the grape trellis again with a few other folks. Lee comes up to me and takes me by the arm. He says, "you owe me a conversation." Sure, okay. He pulled me further under the trellis, which was actually closer to the bar in a very non-private space. "Look, you're super-cool. I'm super-cool. You're hot. I'm hot. I've got a crush on you. You've got a crush on me. Women are supposed to be strong and know what they want, right? Why haven't you let me kiss you yet?" Uhm, what? Okay, this is dramatic, but he's really cute, so I pucker up. "Not now. I'm not ready to do it now. I just want to know why?" He then stormed off. What? The? Hell? That was just plainly weird. I mean, he's hot and all, but that's not what I was expecting. Why didn't he just step up, and that was no conversation at all. Wait, did I just get yelled at for not making myself available to kiss? I need a drink.
The event moved forward and I was hanging out with everybody, watching as the man was being put in place. The energy and music were both building up for the burn. Lee walked up and faced me while I was standing alone for a minute. "That was a little ridiculous of me, and I just want to go back to being flirty and friends. Is that okay?" he asked. Being in a forgiving mood, I said, "Sure. No problem." He moved behind me and put his arms around my waist. That actually felt really nice and safe. His strength came through even though his touch was gentle.
I don't know if he was on anything or not, but just a little while later, his tune changed again. "I'm a dick, but I'm worth it. I'm great arm candy. Why do I act like this? Because I can get away with it. I'm worth it." Wow, did he just say that? Really?
I really wish I could remember what was said right after the burn started. I really do. Whatever it was, I made a joke about it, saying, "oh, what was I thinking?" And then he hit me. Yes he hit me. He hit me in the back of the head. Hard. He hit me open handed saying, "yeah, what were you thinking?" It was something out of an Italian mobster movie. It was also hard enough that I wondered what the hell had just happened. I didn't want to believe that he hit me. To top that off, I mean really put the cherry on this experience, he started dancing around me in circles while repeating, "I'm a dick. I'm a dick." All that I could bring myself to do was to walk away. I needed some space from this.
Only a few minutes later, I was standing nearby with my eyes closed, trying to calm down, trying to figure out what I wanted to do about this. This was just overwhelming. I just couldn't connect all the pieces. He was being nice to me sometimes and showing me attention, but also had this crazy ego and somehow thought it was okay to hit me. Sure it was trying to be a joke, I guess, and maybe he didn't realize his own strength, I guess, but really? Really? If anything else questionable happens, I'm just done with this. Really.
Then he came up to me again. I guess he saw that my eyes were closed and asked, "Are you getting into the music?" "No, I'm standing here trying to figure out what I'm going to do. Actually, no, you wanted to see a strong woman, here you go. I can't play your game. My intuition is screaming at me to get the fuck away from you and I'm going to do exactly that. I don't want to have any bad feelings about this, and I don't really have a problem with you, but I am not interested any more. I'm done."
Lee was obviously really startled by that. His eyes went wide and he apologized over and over. He told me to "honor my intuition" and that he hadn't meant to offend me. I told him that was fine, but I was just done.
I walked away and over to Chris. He was just standing by the fire. Chris had his own drama at IBW, but I needed to talk this through with someone. Luckily Chris wanted to hear all about it, so I kind of got it out of my system. Then I felt like I needed to dance it out, too. I stepped forward into the circle, and wow, the music just washed over me. I must have danced for three hours, just letting the fire burn it all away. It's the best I've felt dancing in Europe, ever. Really.
After dancing for all that time, I needed somewhere to rest, so Chris and I went to check out the cinema. They were showing the Big Lebowski, and that being a movie I could watch at almost any time, we laid under a blanket and started watching. Chris has an amazing ability to fall asleep anywhere, and so he was snoring after only a few minutes. That was about when Lee found me again.
Admittedly, I wasn't particularly interested in hearing much he had to say, but, being one who believes in understanding and taking responsibility, I decided to. He said that he wanted to apologize. He said that almost everything he'd said and done didn't have anything to do with me and I didn't deserve to have to deal with it. He said it all has to do with him turning 40 and feeling his body failing. He said that it all has to do with him not being married and being worried that he'll never attract someone who might care about him. He says it was all about his girlfriend of the last six years not wanting to have sex with him.
I listened to what he had to say, and he seemed earnest. I looked into his eyes and believed him. He really was sorry and really wanted to not give me his baggage. I told him that it would be fine for us to hang out some more if he wanted, but I absolutely would not accept his previous behavior at all. He said that he wouldn't do anything like that again. I decided to walk with him back to the fire.
And, believe it or not, Lee did act differently. He actually seemed like he was treating me more like he had at first. He was being nice. It's a burn, so there were a lot of people there and a lot of distractions, so he was being the charismatic social butterfly that I'd seen him be.
Finally my body was just done and I needed to go to bed. I told Lee and he asked if he could escort me back to my tent. I told him, "I'd like that."
On the way, I stopped him in between two sheds before going into the tent area. It seemed that he wanted to know it was okay to kiss me, and at that moment, it was. He leaned in, but our lips didn't meet. I could feel his breath, warm and humid in the air between us. His whole body was radiating a heat from dancing and moving. Our lips seemed to get closer forever, until finally they touched. The rest is a bit of a blur, but I remember flashes of hands on the side of necks, nibbling at shoulders and skin, light biting of lips and tongue. Our bodies pressed into one another with instinctual want. At one point his elbows and arms locked into my sides in a way that just felt so right. This was just incredible. This is what I wanted it to be like from the beginning.
And then those moments were over. There was no punctuation, but simply the last note of that song just faded slowly in the air. It was a beautiful sound and didn't need to be followed by anything else. He was obviously still awake, so we parted and I went back to my tent to sleep. He went back to the fire for more of the early morning burn.
The next day was rushed, but at least there was a little time for us to spend together. I sat down on a tarp, and he laid his head in my lap while looking through pictures on his camera. I reached out and put my hand on his hip. It just felt so right. That was exactly where my hand wanted to be.
And that's about it. We hugged and said goodbye just before I had to catch a ride to catch a train to Florence. I have no idea how much of an impact I've really had on him. His life is probably filled to the brim with crazy drama like this. Mine sure isn't, so I'm sure I'll be thinking about this for a long while. He did seem interested, and I don't think he's ever had someone tell him, "no," in quite the way that I did. I hope it helps him to see that he's worth so much more than the way he thinks about himself. Who knows? Who knows, indeed.
Fast forward several hours, and we're sitting under the grape trellis at the table talking with a few other people around. Costumes were out and about so the event felt festive. We're exchanging little bits and pieces of our selves and who we are. I told him about a night when I was trying to "snare a man" back in college. He said that I had been showing a "sorority attitude." Really? A sorority attitude? Whatever. It was a ridiculous story. I've never been interested in being in a sorority in my life. He obviously doesn't know me. I told him, "I think we're done here," and he left.
Maybe an hour later Lee came up to me near the bar and said, "look, I didn't mean to offend you or anything. I apologize if I did." That was actually really nice of him, and I thought that was worth acknowledging. "Thank you. I was probably being a little sensitive. I've never liked sororities and I think I had different motivations about that silly situation. We don't really know each other, so I can see how you jumped to that conclusion." I kissed the side of his neck to let him know I thought he was still pretty special. We ended up dancing together for about half an hour before he went running off again, but it was a good thirty minutes.
The next day, Saturday, Lee asked me to go on a walk. I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I was hopeful that it meant he was interested in me. We walked out by some fields and up onto the high speed train tracks. While we were walking across a bridge one of the trains came zooming by and that felt amazing. I really wanted to jump on him and kiss him right then, but the moment passed too quickly. It's been a long time since I've met a guy I'd like to kiss, and I just wasn't ready. We walked and talked some more, but even though there were a few other moments that almost felt right, a kiss never happened.
Another flash forward of several hours, and I'm standing under the grape trellis again with a few other folks. Lee comes up to me and takes me by the arm. He says, "you owe me a conversation." Sure, okay. He pulled me further under the trellis, which was actually closer to the bar in a very non-private space. "Look, you're super-cool. I'm super-cool. You're hot. I'm hot. I've got a crush on you. You've got a crush on me. Women are supposed to be strong and know what they want, right? Why haven't you let me kiss you yet?" Uhm, what? Okay, this is dramatic, but he's really cute, so I pucker up. "Not now. I'm not ready to do it now. I just want to know why?" He then stormed off. What? The? Hell? That was just plainly weird. I mean, he's hot and all, but that's not what I was expecting. Why didn't he just step up, and that was no conversation at all. Wait, did I just get yelled at for not making myself available to kiss? I need a drink.
The event moved forward and I was hanging out with everybody, watching as the man was being put in place. The energy and music were both building up for the burn. Lee walked up and faced me while I was standing alone for a minute. "That was a little ridiculous of me, and I just want to go back to being flirty and friends. Is that okay?" he asked. Being in a forgiving mood, I said, "Sure. No problem." He moved behind me and put his arms around my waist. That actually felt really nice and safe. His strength came through even though his touch was gentle.
I don't know if he was on anything or not, but just a little while later, his tune changed again. "I'm a dick, but I'm worth it. I'm great arm candy. Why do I act like this? Because I can get away with it. I'm worth it." Wow, did he just say that? Really?
I really wish I could remember what was said right after the burn started. I really do. Whatever it was, I made a joke about it, saying, "oh, what was I thinking?" And then he hit me. Yes he hit me. He hit me in the back of the head. Hard. He hit me open handed saying, "yeah, what were you thinking?" It was something out of an Italian mobster movie. It was also hard enough that I wondered what the hell had just happened. I didn't want to believe that he hit me. To top that off, I mean really put the cherry on this experience, he started dancing around me in circles while repeating, "I'm a dick. I'm a dick." All that I could bring myself to do was to walk away. I needed some space from this.
Only a few minutes later, I was standing nearby with my eyes closed, trying to calm down, trying to figure out what I wanted to do about this. This was just overwhelming. I just couldn't connect all the pieces. He was being nice to me sometimes and showing me attention, but also had this crazy ego and somehow thought it was okay to hit me. Sure it was trying to be a joke, I guess, and maybe he didn't realize his own strength, I guess, but really? Really? If anything else questionable happens, I'm just done with this. Really.
Then he came up to me again. I guess he saw that my eyes were closed and asked, "Are you getting into the music?" "No, I'm standing here trying to figure out what I'm going to do. Actually, no, you wanted to see a strong woman, here you go. I can't play your game. My intuition is screaming at me to get the fuck away from you and I'm going to do exactly that. I don't want to have any bad feelings about this, and I don't really have a problem with you, but I am not interested any more. I'm done."
Lee was obviously really startled by that. His eyes went wide and he apologized over and over. He told me to "honor my intuition" and that he hadn't meant to offend me. I told him that was fine, but I was just done.
I walked away and over to Chris. He was just standing by the fire. Chris had his own drama at IBW, but I needed to talk this through with someone. Luckily Chris wanted to hear all about it, so I kind of got it out of my system. Then I felt like I needed to dance it out, too. I stepped forward into the circle, and wow, the music just washed over me. I must have danced for three hours, just letting the fire burn it all away. It's the best I've felt dancing in Europe, ever. Really.
After dancing for all that time, I needed somewhere to rest, so Chris and I went to check out the cinema. They were showing the Big Lebowski, and that being a movie I could watch at almost any time, we laid under a blanket and started watching. Chris has an amazing ability to fall asleep anywhere, and so he was snoring after only a few minutes. That was about when Lee found me again.
Admittedly, I wasn't particularly interested in hearing much he had to say, but, being one who believes in understanding and taking responsibility, I decided to. He said that he wanted to apologize. He said that almost everything he'd said and done didn't have anything to do with me and I didn't deserve to have to deal with it. He said it all has to do with him turning 40 and feeling his body failing. He said that it all has to do with him not being married and being worried that he'll never attract someone who might care about him. He says it was all about his girlfriend of the last six years not wanting to have sex with him.
I listened to what he had to say, and he seemed earnest. I looked into his eyes and believed him. He really was sorry and really wanted to not give me his baggage. I told him that it would be fine for us to hang out some more if he wanted, but I absolutely would not accept his previous behavior at all. He said that he wouldn't do anything like that again. I decided to walk with him back to the fire.
And, believe it or not, Lee did act differently. He actually seemed like he was treating me more like he had at first. He was being nice. It's a burn, so there were a lot of people there and a lot of distractions, so he was being the charismatic social butterfly that I'd seen him be.
Finally my body was just done and I needed to go to bed. I told Lee and he asked if he could escort me back to my tent. I told him, "I'd like that."
On the way, I stopped him in between two sheds before going into the tent area. It seemed that he wanted to know it was okay to kiss me, and at that moment, it was. He leaned in, but our lips didn't meet. I could feel his breath, warm and humid in the air between us. His whole body was radiating a heat from dancing and moving. Our lips seemed to get closer forever, until finally they touched. The rest is a bit of a blur, but I remember flashes of hands on the side of necks, nibbling at shoulders and skin, light biting of lips and tongue. Our bodies pressed into one another with instinctual want. At one point his elbows and arms locked into my sides in a way that just felt so right. This was just incredible. This is what I wanted it to be like from the beginning.
And then those moments were over. There was no punctuation, but simply the last note of that song just faded slowly in the air. It was a beautiful sound and didn't need to be followed by anything else. He was obviously still awake, so we parted and I went back to my tent to sleep. He went back to the fire for more of the early morning burn.
The next day was rushed, but at least there was a little time for us to spend together. I sat down on a tarp, and he laid his head in my lap while looking through pictures on his camera. I reached out and put my hand on his hip. It just felt so right. That was exactly where my hand wanted to be.
And that's about it. We hugged and said goodbye just before I had to catch a ride to catch a train to Florence. I have no idea how much of an impact I've really had on him. His life is probably filled to the brim with crazy drama like this. Mine sure isn't, so I'm sure I'll be thinking about this for a long while. He did seem interested, and I don't think he's ever had someone tell him, "no," in quite the way that I did. I hope it helps him to see that he's worth so much more than the way he thinks about himself. Who knows? Who knows, indeed.