For the first time in a long time I need boy help
Jorin boogle me
Okay, so I guess I need to start from the beginning. There has been this guy, jorin who I've had a crush on for a very long time. Not really the kind of crush where he's the only guy on my mind or anything but I've always thought he was cute and have always wanted to date him. But I was never really good friends with him.
But then I joined a club at school that he started called DISC and we got to know each other through the club and then I needed a date for my Junior Girls formal so I asked him as friends (kind of freaking out because by this point I seriously really did like him a whole lot, like he was the only guy on my mind) and we went and had fun and danced together then went to an after party together and hung out and since then I've been hanging out with him every day after school, I spend the night with him sometimes on the weekend and we talk through myspace, facebook and aim constantly.
So last week he had just finished a theater performance and I hung out with him afterwards to cellebrate. It was me, him, my best friend boogle, two sophomores that I know (gianna and jannet) and then my best gay guyfriend donnie. Everyone had to leave for early curfew because SAT's were the next day but me and Jorin had already taken ours together in january so we didn't have to worry about that shit.
So we went and chilled up at a playground, just talking and swinging on the swings and he was telling me about the last relationship that he got out of (he was dating a girl for three years and right before that had been dating a girl for four years) and how he really didn't want his life to be about being with one person like it had been before. He kind of wanted to date around and fuck around and not have to worry about hurting girls feelings but that's kind of hard to do at our school. I was agreeing with him and saying it was too late in highschool to try and get a serious boyfriend so my plan was to make friends with a guy, bring him into a group of my friends so we would all like each other and then sleep with him sometimes on the side because I'd know he would respect me enough to not just think I was a slut but not have to get into a serious relationship with him. He actually thought that was a really fucking brilliant idea.
So then this weekend I was supposed to be doing this weird double date thing with my friend boogle and her boyfriend Lee. So I was going to go get jorin and we ended up going to eat dinner first and missed the movie (which I felt bad about but boogle didn't mind, she called a bunch of our other friends over to her house and they played guitar hero and dance dance revolution all night). We went and saw Hot Fuzz by ourselves a little later then went and picked up a bottle of tequilla and two shot glasses and went to a park by my house to drink and swing and talk. I don't drink but he kept trying to get me to and I kept telling him no because I'd throw up on the swings.
So we're swinging, he's taken two shots of tequilla (it's called patrone*sp?* and costs about $100 a bottle, good shit) and is talking about his relationship woes again and then we get into this kind of serious conversation and he's telling me how guys don't befriend girls unless they are physically attracted to them or unless they've grown up together. It kind of made me laugh because I'm fat and have pimples and had worn sweats and a XXXL t-shirt to school that day so I was like "yeah well that's not why we're friends" and he started arguing that was why he'd gotten so close to me and started saying that he thought I was really attractive then I ended up admitting to him that I'd had a huge thing for him a few months ago but no so much anymore but I still thought he was one of the hottest guys at our school.
So then he asks me if he was the guy that I'd been talking about, that I wanted to bring into my group of friends an fuck and all that shit and I told him no even though in the beginning that was why I was friends with him... just not so much anymore. He just kept going on though about how he really would like to have a relationship like that with me and then started going on about how much he'd love to have a serious relationship with me and really date me but he knew that wasn't something that he'd be able to do right now. I told him that I couldn't sleep with him because I knew that it would get weird between us and I really liked things how they were and he finally let it drop and stopped trying to have sex with me.
We went back to his friend Micheal James house and him and this guy Micheal Denning that was over got really drunk (micheal D was puking for about twenty minutes) Some guy named Bart was over who was like 40 and lived in the apartment bellow us and he stole about twenty of my cigarettes and got into this really deep conversation about religion and shit and then we all played guitar hero until about three and I went ahead and slept over because I'd told my mom I was staying with Boogle beforehand. Don't get any wrong ideas. Micheal James slept in his Bed, jorin slept in a pull out bed, Micheal Denning slept on the couch and I slept on a pallet of blankets on the floor (although before we went to sleep me and jorin were flipping through channels on the tv and he had been doing this weird thing where he was kind of petting my arm and leg and stuff and then I got tired and laid my head in his lap).
The next day I get a call from boogle a little after we all wake up and she had run away from home because her dad started beating the shit out of her and she couldn't deal with it because he used to do that to her all the time. So I came and picked her up and got her to calm down and I talked to her mom and told her that boogle was safe but I didn't want her to come home because she still wasn't very calm and I didn't think she should talk to her dad in the condition she was in. So I got permission to keep her out all day then let her crash at my house as long as I would bring her home sunday morning. So to cheer her up we watched old films that Jorin had made (and it was really weird because I was in one of them but it was from freshman year and I'd never spoken to him at the time) then decided to go over to jorin's apartments and go swimming because his mom wanted to meet us.
So I got and get a bathing suit at my house and get one that can be retied and shit for boogle because she's fucking skinny as hell and we all go over there and meet his mom who would not leave me the fuck alone. Seriously, she didn't talk to anyone but me and jorin and kept asking about what I thought about him and stuff and didn't I think her son was good looking? I guess it's because he hangs out with me so much. I mean, the night before when we'd picked up the tequilla from his apartment, his mom had also given him a box of condoms.
We all went out swimming and there was kind of a weird tension between me and jorin after having talked to her mom.
Then we walked down the street to jack in the box and decided to eat in a constrution zone outside and we all laid out on these giant cement cylinders and talked. It was more like me and jorin talking, originally everone was on their own cylinder but then he came over and sat next to me. He told me that he wanted every day of summer vacation to be like last night and today and that he wanted to make sure I was staying in town to hang out with him because it would suck if I was gone and he had no one to chill with. Lucky me, I'm in town all summer.
We went back to Micheal James (after jorin's mom told me I was now like a daughter to her, she was drunk but it was still awkward) and played guitar hero. I let boogle have the keys to my car to drive to my house and pick up my backpack and textbook so I could help her write a history essay so then it was just me and jorin (micheal james was sleeping on the couch in the living room so he wouldnt hear us playing) and he laid down on the bed and told me to play, he'd just watch.
So I played a few songs then laid down on the bed too, about two feet away from him and start falling asleep. Then I feel him pressed up behind me and his hand is running up and down my arm and he leans in really close to my ear and goes "hey Hannah, guess what? I'm spooning with you" I jumped about twenty feet in the air and scooted away from him and he came back next to me and started spooning with me again and was like "you look cold" and wraps an arm around me and I just really fucking like him a lot even though I don't want things to be weird so I let him and we fell asleep like that and I wake up when boogle opens the door and was like "oh, shit... sorry I didn't know I was interupting something" and then we both kind of pull away from each other and start playing guitar hero again.
We went swimming again even though it was dark outside and then I was shivering and shit cause my towel was still wet from last time we went swimming so jorin came and started to dry my off with his towel and then wrapped me up in it and did the whole "you look cold" thing again and then we all went inside and it was about nine so it was late enough for us to start drinking again. Micheal James dad told me I was going to have to spend the night if I drank so I promised him I wouldn't because I already told my mom I was comming home and he left to go to some gay club (cause Micheal James dad is gay, and flamboyantly gay and is really fucking cool) so jorin and boogle start drinking because micheal james doesn't and then jorin finally convinces me to start drinking (which I feel bad about because I used to be an alcoholic and before last night I hadn't drank in over a year) and we played never have I ever where if you've done it you take a shot of the tequilla.
Jorin was asking questions that he knew only I'd done because everyone knows boogle is a virgin and hasnt gone past kissing so the whole time jorin was just like 'never have i ever given head, liked having sex with a guy (jorin's been with a guy before but it was just experimenting and he's not gay), given a guy a handjob' and on and on and on so I'm the only one getting drunk.
I finally lose after ten shots so we play truth or dare and I get a dare from boogle to make out with jorin and I guess she thought she was doing me a favor because she knows hwo much I like him but she doesnt know all the weird sexual tension and flirting and stuff that's been going on so it really kind of sucked. And we're all really drunk and laughing and shit and I go over and kiss him really fast but then he got mad and was like 'that doesnt count' so I kiss him again but it was a really, really shitty kiss. He didn't do anything with his mouth or tongue, he just kind of opened his mouth and I guess expected me to do all the work. So then I sat down and it was really quiet so I go "well that sucked" and I meant it to be kind of funny because I tho ught Jorin wasn't into it since he didn't kiss me back or anything but then he got offended that I called him a bad kisser and kept telling me to kiss him again or that I shouldn't have expected a romantic kiss while we were playing truth or dare.
Anyways, we eventually end up getting handcuffed together a couple of dares later and then he has to pee of the balcony while I'm still hand cuffed to him so I have to help him get his fly undone and shit because he couldn't. And then he's peeing and talking to me and is telling me not to think he's a bad kisser because he'd been laughing when he kissed me, which only offended me more and then he was saying it was because I'd been trying so hard not to get into any weird or sexual situations with him but then I just made out with him without any protest.
So then it was even weirder and I was kind of pissed still that he wasn't a good kisser but not really mad because I was drunk. And then he gets in an arguement with boogle about how she lives her life and how she needs to try and do more things for herself and not live her life revolving around her friends so then we had to leave because she was staying with me and was drunk and beyond pissed off at him. She stormed out of the apartment and waited for me in the car. So jorin walks me downstairs and to the parking lot then gives me this really big hug and tells me to drive safe and that he really wants me to spend the night again and that I should just call my mom and tell her that I'm staying out but I couldn't because it was mothersday and he gives me another big hug. Which is kind of weird because I'm not big on physical contact unless it's with someone that I'm with so I was trying to get away but he held onto me until I hugged him back and then told me to be careful again and to drive slow because he knew I was still drunk.
And then we get home and I'm helping boogle write her essay on civil rights movement and she's talking abouto jorin and how she was jealous because I was such good friends with him. And I mean, other than the weird sexual stuff between us she's just as good of friends as we are (and the only reason he doesn't try to get with her, I think, is because she has a boyfriend). But she was like no we used to hang out a lot but jorin distances himself from his friends after a while. Which is kind of true because other than micheal denning and micheal james he doesn't really hang out with the people he hung out with before me. But I still thought he talked to boogle about the same things he talked to me about. I mean, I pretty much know jorins life story at this point and he knows mine but she was just like no whenever I just hang out with him we play video games and then get into arguements about what's better, a mac or a pc and then end up beating the crap out of each other because we argue so much.
And I don't know... It just made me feel weird to know that I'm a lot closer to him than everyone else and made me want him again a lot more but it still sucks because it makes me want to be with him but I still know that he's not ready to be with anyone and by the time he might be ready to be with me, it'll be too late and we'll probably be seniors in the middle of second semester about to never see each other again. I don't want to comprimise myself by being non exclusive with him and knowing that he'll be with other girls but there aren't any guys I want to be with except him. And I don't want him to compromise himself and ask him to get into something with me when I know he's not ready. But I don't want a good thing to pass by either. I'm worried that the only reason I'm not just going for it is because I'm still jaded from my last relationship but... Oh I don't know!
I don't know what to do or what to think about it. If anyone has read this all the way through, any help would be cool