want
When it comes down to it, I don’t know what to do. I know what my actions would be like if I acted upon impulse, but those gut feelings aren’t always the wisest. Do I play hard to get? Do I act like you don’t have me all wound up, yet again? Because then I’d be lying. Every time I said something hateful about you it was only to try and prove to myself that you are a worthless being and that I deserve better. And you’ve hurt me; you’ve hurt me in ways I can’t imagine nor comprehend the reason behind. I think I’ve got you nailed, but you are completely spontaneous and you could change your actions because you know I would predict them. It’s been a year and two months now and it feels like we are just meeting again for the first time. That first fatal day. I wish I had skipped lunch that day, then I would have never met you. But I don’t really want that. There’s a lesson to be learned from this. That you will hurt me, and I will always bounce back, only either to a] be hurt again, or b] get exactly what I want. I’m not looking for unconditional love or marriage or anything of that sort. I want to actually get to know you. I want to actually get to talk to you. I want all those things we always dreamed and said we’d do, but never got around to doing. Maybe if I get that I will feel like my expectations of what we could have been will be fulfilled and I can move on. I thought I was moving on. I was doing okay. But I still thought about you. I still think about you. I have no clue if you think about me half the time I think about you, but that’s okay. I’m not going to smother you. I will question and maybe even doubt until you prove to me you aren’t going to make the same mistakes you’ve made before. Maybe you’re playing a joke on me and you’re tap-tap-typing away at your keyboard with your friends behind you, peering over your shoulder, and snickering at my responses. But I’ll learn. I’ll be hurt and I will move on. I will always move on. Eventually from you, as well, but for now, I want you. I want to talk to you, really talk, face-to-face. Not through a keyboard. I want to sit with you. I want to hold your hand, kiss you, play with your hair. I want all these things in return. And I don’t want you to want these things because I want them, I want you to want these things because you want them. I want something mutual. I don’t want to be chasing this dream down futilely for God only knows how long. I will always have open arms and open ears. I will always forgive, I will always care. If all we end up as in the end is friends, I’m okay with that. But for now, for now, I want this. I. Want. You.