balance act

[65redroses]

i know i haven't updated properly in awhile
i'm having a tough time holding onto my reality
let alone the page

it took awhile to sort out the proper balance of medications
so i have drifted
floated
existed
hidden by the haze

to me there is no greater frustration then not being able to communicate
these last few days
i have slipped beneath the surface
bobbing in and out of awareness
suddenly unsure
needing so desperately needing
to lay my head upon their shoulders
hear another heart beat
find an external constant
and hold on

too many days have started chipper
proclaiming, "this is going to be a good day"
speak too soon
by noon i am struggling to make decisions
side effects from
nausea.....endure the nausea or take the gravol?
gravol......can't focus, sleepy, no longer able to speak, loss of control
itchiness....scratch like a mad-women, leading to scrapes and cuts and welts or take IV benedryl?
benedryl before meds.... dis-engaged, high emotions, slow on the uptake
with all of these cocktails being swirled, shaken, stirred
is there room enough for me?

my friends and family hold on
physically wrapping my body with theirs
but when its coming from the inside
their barriers offer little protection.