good good, very good
waves of clarity
tidal pools attempting to retain that sense of self
eddies swirling with confusion
then the rocks exposed
naked vulnerable
as the ocean prepares to come crashing down again
i slept
i closed my eyes
and despite my twitching limbs
my racing pulse
my stabbing shoulder
after four days of fearing sleep
not able to let myself go
scared to be alone
what if i don't wake up
i slept
and the next day the world was a little softer
with rounded edges
less harsh
i still couldn't look in a mirror
but i recognized my hands
they follow my direction
but still yesterday morning
there were episodes
of being lost and overwhelmed
quinn on one side
rachel on the other
justin across from me
no judgement
please please don't judge me
and they didn't
they allowed me to pepper their conversation with irrelevant anecdotes
smiling with me
letting me burrow into the softness of their skin when words were too much
the afternoon was spent with my dad
with my dad and all of you really
he brought the mail
i couldn't read
so he did it for me
through his voice i received all of your kind, uplifting, endearing, hopeful words
it was the loveliest time i've had in quite awhile
we delighted in the drawings, poems and stories
in awe of your artistry
each word you sent
savoured
held on my tongue for a few extra seconds
before swallowing it whole
allowing your words to fill up my empty shell
giving me strength to stretch out of recovery position
i was well enough to visit with some friends and family
they each arrived bearing greetings from the outside world
a mug of tea
my favourite fruit juice bears and almond butter crunch
air hugs across the room
when being present becomes too much
i retreat under my fathers arm
cuddle into his side and close my eyes
in the evening
while everyone else had saturday nights
i spent time in a familiar place
greg brought dinner and we had a malaysian picnic sitting cross legged on my hospital bed
together we remembered countless nights, months, years
making the hospital normal
CF had always been the third wheel to our relationship
for four years we did 'hospital dating' well
we were so young
it put us into situations that made us wise beyond our years
but there were benefits too
instead of simply co-existing in similar social circles
we were isolated in a 10 by 10 foot room
conversation our regular past time
and we talked
sober
we dreamed and shared and defended and explored
we broke up a year ago
and after the dust has cleared
we've both grown, learned, changed
underneath it all
he gets it
he asked last night to be part of my team again
a different role this time to be sure
but in the inner circle
one of the ones thats called when things get tough
one of the ones thats allowed to see me at my weakest
bring a spoon to my lips
help me put my socks on
i graciously accepted
honoured that he still wants to help
even after all we went through last time
adding him to the team doesn't detract from anyone else
there is no finite amount of help or love needed
it is infinite
infinite
infinite
i need all the help i can get
justin arrived and greg left
my dad once told me that although the men i've loved in my life are so different from each other there is one common theme. they are all good people. good, good people.
the sun is rising now so i'm going to go and crawl back into bed with justin and get a good cuddle before the nurse arrives to do vitals.
and i leave you with the north facing view of the sun rising in the east
tidal pools attempting to retain that sense of self
eddies swirling with confusion
then the rocks exposed
naked vulnerable
as the ocean prepares to come crashing down again
i slept
i closed my eyes
and despite my twitching limbs
my racing pulse
my stabbing shoulder
after four days of fearing sleep
not able to let myself go
scared to be alone
what if i don't wake up
i slept
and the next day the world was a little softer
with rounded edges
less harsh
i still couldn't look in a mirror
but i recognized my hands
they follow my direction
but still yesterday morning
there were episodes
of being lost and overwhelmed
quinn on one side
rachel on the other
justin across from me
no judgement
please please don't judge me
and they didn't
they allowed me to pepper their conversation with irrelevant anecdotes
smiling with me
letting me burrow into the softness of their skin when words were too much
the afternoon was spent with my dad
with my dad and all of you really
he brought the mail
i couldn't read
so he did it for me
through his voice i received all of your kind, uplifting, endearing, hopeful words
it was the loveliest time i've had in quite awhile
we delighted in the drawings, poems and stories
in awe of your artistry
each word you sent
savoured
held on my tongue for a few extra seconds
before swallowing it whole
allowing your words to fill up my empty shell
giving me strength to stretch out of recovery position
i was well enough to visit with some friends and family
they each arrived bearing greetings from the outside world
a mug of tea
my favourite fruit juice bears and almond butter crunch
air hugs across the room
when being present becomes too much
i retreat under my fathers arm
cuddle into his side and close my eyes
in the evening
while everyone else had saturday nights
i spent time in a familiar place
greg brought dinner and we had a malaysian picnic sitting cross legged on my hospital bed
together we remembered countless nights, months, years
making the hospital normal
CF had always been the third wheel to our relationship
for four years we did 'hospital dating' well
we were so young
it put us into situations that made us wise beyond our years
but there were benefits too
instead of simply co-existing in similar social circles
we were isolated in a 10 by 10 foot room
conversation our regular past time
and we talked
sober
we dreamed and shared and defended and explored
we broke up a year ago
and after the dust has cleared
we've both grown, learned, changed
underneath it all
he gets it
he asked last night to be part of my team again
a different role this time to be sure
but in the inner circle
one of the ones thats called when things get tough
one of the ones thats allowed to see me at my weakest
bring a spoon to my lips
help me put my socks on
i graciously accepted
honoured that he still wants to help
even after all we went through last time
adding him to the team doesn't detract from anyone else
there is no finite amount of help or love needed
it is infinite
infinite
infinite
i need all the help i can get
justin arrived and greg left
my dad once told me that although the men i've loved in my life are so different from each other there is one common theme. they are all good people. good, good people.
the sun is rising now so i'm going to go and crawl back into bed with justin and get a good cuddle before the nurse arrives to do vitals.
and i leave you with the north facing view of the sun rising in the east