this might be a cry for help.
i'm really not sure what to think right now. this morning i was fine, but as the day progessed i started feeling more and more anxious and depressed. its weird when you feel so out of it and lonely and the weight is so big you cant help but slouch your shoulders and tilt your head. sort of like the gravity is stronger. i dunno. it all culminated with my 7th period class leaving to to go work on setting something up in the mall and me staying and waiting in the classroom for a teacher to come so that i could help her with something. i sat there alone waiting for 45 minutes and no one came at all.
i guess what im really upset about is the whole process of moving on from high school to college, and how im not going to see anyof the people ive known for the past 4 years ever again. and then again, i dont know if thats it at all, because as of late, ive become less and less interested in spending time with these people. not so much in the sense that i dont enjoy their company is just one of those you know type things. and going to college wont give me what i need. ive come to the conclusion that if im never going to be able to see these people that i have grown to love ever ever ever again again, then i want to completely start over. i already know everyone i am going to hang out with in college. so i have decided that i dont really want to go to college anymore.
i think im just going to leave somewhere far far away. somewhere where i will be able to forget all of this, in a good way. its not like its been bad to me. its more of i have had so many opportunites to do whatever i wanted to and completely live it up and for one reason or another i have botched every single one of those opportunities. i have yet to find someone that i want to spend a substantial amount of time with, romantically and/or platonically, and this absolutely kills me because it isnt because of the lack of quality people at the school at which i attend, it is all because of my own pretenses and inhibitions. i have this burden to be this mature, intellectual, stoical asshole and that is what ive ridden all the way through high school and it has ruined the possibility of happiness for me for these 4 years. i would give anything to have these four years back and i guarantee that if i could, i would make them the four happiest years of my life.
i think i am going to make one last mix cd for everyone in my senior class. i imagine it's going to be very very melancholy.
it really upsets me that the last few days that i am likely to ever spend with these people are going to be days which are riddled by my own depression and dissapointment.
jesus fucking christ this is agonizing.
i absolutely love all of these people that i will never see again and i know for a fact that they dont understand how affectionate and emotional i am towards them and the whole situation.
ive got to go somewhere far away as soon as possible where i can forget about all of this. i dont know how much longer i can endure this punishment im putting on myself without doing something drastic. i dont know any other way to make things better for myself. the only thing that has kept me going for this entire school year is this stupid childish thought that i would wake up the next morning and everything would be better and that i WOULD talk to that girl and i WOULD speak up to assholes that talk shit to me and i my friends and that i WOULD do well on that math test. so much for that.
i guess what im really upset about is the whole process of moving on from high school to college, and how im not going to see anyof the people ive known for the past 4 years ever again. and then again, i dont know if thats it at all, because as of late, ive become less and less interested in spending time with these people. not so much in the sense that i dont enjoy their company is just one of those you know type things. and going to college wont give me what i need. ive come to the conclusion that if im never going to be able to see these people that i have grown to love ever ever ever again again, then i want to completely start over. i already know everyone i am going to hang out with in college. so i have decided that i dont really want to go to college anymore.
i think im just going to leave somewhere far far away. somewhere where i will be able to forget all of this, in a good way. its not like its been bad to me. its more of i have had so many opportunites to do whatever i wanted to and completely live it up and for one reason or another i have botched every single one of those opportunities. i have yet to find someone that i want to spend a substantial amount of time with, romantically and/or platonically, and this absolutely kills me because it isnt because of the lack of quality people at the school at which i attend, it is all because of my own pretenses and inhibitions. i have this burden to be this mature, intellectual, stoical asshole and that is what ive ridden all the way through high school and it has ruined the possibility of happiness for me for these 4 years. i would give anything to have these four years back and i guarantee that if i could, i would make them the four happiest years of my life.
i think i am going to make one last mix cd for everyone in my senior class. i imagine it's going to be very very melancholy.
it really upsets me that the last few days that i am likely to ever spend with these people are going to be days which are riddled by my own depression and dissapointment.
jesus fucking christ this is agonizing.
i absolutely love all of these people that i will never see again and i know for a fact that they dont understand how affectionate and emotional i am towards them and the whole situation.
ive got to go somewhere far away as soon as possible where i can forget about all of this. i dont know how much longer i can endure this punishment im putting on myself without doing something drastic. i dont know any other way to make things better for myself. the only thing that has kept me going for this entire school year is this stupid childish thought that i would wake up the next morning and everything would be better and that i WOULD talk to that girl and i WOULD speak up to assholes that talk shit to me and i my friends and that i WOULD do well on that math test. so much for that.