Certainly, sir! Tea for this man's breasts!
So today I'm going to have a bit or a write and it's going to be good. (^_^) Or not, we'll see.
I'm still hearing goddamned voices, still missing 95% of the words. It keeps me awake sometimes, but... that's the extent of the problem these days. If I do catch the odd word here or there, I couldn't tell you what it was a minute later because I pay like zero attention. ...alright, that's a little bit of a lie. Sometimes a voice will go off on a tangent, and I do start catching the general idea, if not the actual words. Usually it bitches me out for all the same things I bitch myself out for, so in a way it's technically my own thoughts presenting themselves as an outside voice. Recently one of them's been getting really angry at me... because my own head can't whisper at me loud enough to hear? My hearing's not great, and surely if anyone in the world knows that, it's me. I can tell it's angry about something else... whatever it wants me to do, I can't hear, and I wouldn't be doing anyway because it's not a real person asking me for something.
OK, so I'm not as fine with it as I make out. Sort of, but not really. I can't deal with anger anymore, either. If there's a fight, or an argument, I can feel it lingering in the air for hours afterwards. It's why I've never allowed fighting in my home - if you're gonna have an argument, take it the fuck outside. I used to be able to just swallow it down, and it was unpleasant being able to tell it was there, but... I could live with it. Lately, though, I just can't deal with it. If someone starts shouting I just shut down, straight into deer+headlights mode.
That's made even worse if Kriss gets annoyed at a game or something, because on the one hand I know I can help him calm down if I join in the bitching, but on the other I just can't deal with the anger, can't make myself get past it and talk. I almost had a panic attack last night when that angry voice started... the night before, too. Managed to hold it back, but only just.
In circumstances like that... well, if I tell Kriss about it the next day, he gets annoyed because I should have woken him up. He hates the idea that I'm sat awake having an awful time of it while he's just snoozing away, but what am I supposed to do? Force him to go without sleep, too, for the sake of me feeling no better but a little less alone? Gods know I appreciate the thought, and it's wonderful that he cares enough, but I just can't do it. I wish I could talk to him about those bits I do hear, but I get the overwhelming impression that he'd just rather not hear it. He'll sit an listen anyway, because he's too good a friend not to, but I can see with every sentence that he'd rather not have heard it... and that's the biggest problem.
On the one hand, I want to talk about it, just to get it off my chest and help him understand just what the fuck is going on in this mad head of mine. On the other... I just can't. Knowing the subject matter... knowing it's not real... it feels like a waste of time talking about it, like acknowledging I can hear it makes it more real somehow, I dunno.
So yeah. I'm still hearing things, I can't cope with anger, and I'm only just able to hold back the panic if I have to go to the Job Centre, or A4e, or anything even vaguely official like that. I mean, God Damn, I only just made it into the library to vote and that was a thirty-second task that involved speaking to no-one in my favourite local building.
So... I make it day to day, looking forward to bedtime and learning some Russian. I've been sort-of playing keyboard here and there... but for the most part, I feel like I'm just floating around in a hollow shell, an echo of what I used to be, should still be. My head can't process or retrieve information like it used to. I was never really into the idea of dating or being in a relationship or anything, but these days I don't even bother checking people out. Doesn't seem any point wasting my time, since it's not like any person I look at will ever be interested.
I just... I don't get how I'm supposed to move forward. Every door I try and enter turns out to be locked, the windows are barred, and there's a very nasty looking security guard just slowly shaking his head in a way that suggests attempting to enter the door will end in death. Not his death.
I know that if you don't take a chance, you won't have one... and yet somehow, taking all the chances I can still leaves me without one.
I'm still hearing goddamned voices, still missing 95% of the words. It keeps me awake sometimes, but... that's the extent of the problem these days. If I do catch the odd word here or there, I couldn't tell you what it was a minute later because I pay like zero attention. ...alright, that's a little bit of a lie. Sometimes a voice will go off on a tangent, and I do start catching the general idea, if not the actual words. Usually it bitches me out for all the same things I bitch myself out for, so in a way it's technically my own thoughts presenting themselves as an outside voice. Recently one of them's been getting really angry at me... because my own head can't whisper at me loud enough to hear? My hearing's not great, and surely if anyone in the world knows that, it's me. I can tell it's angry about something else... whatever it wants me to do, I can't hear, and I wouldn't be doing anyway because it's not a real person asking me for something.
OK, so I'm not as fine with it as I make out. Sort of, but not really. I can't deal with anger anymore, either. If there's a fight, or an argument, I can feel it lingering in the air for hours afterwards. It's why I've never allowed fighting in my home - if you're gonna have an argument, take it the fuck outside. I used to be able to just swallow it down, and it was unpleasant being able to tell it was there, but... I could live with it. Lately, though, I just can't deal with it. If someone starts shouting I just shut down, straight into deer+headlights mode.
That's made even worse if Kriss gets annoyed at a game or something, because on the one hand I know I can help him calm down if I join in the bitching, but on the other I just can't deal with the anger, can't make myself get past it and talk. I almost had a panic attack last night when that angry voice started... the night before, too. Managed to hold it back, but only just.
In circumstances like that... well, if I tell Kriss about it the next day, he gets annoyed because I should have woken him up. He hates the idea that I'm sat awake having an awful time of it while he's just snoozing away, but what am I supposed to do? Force him to go without sleep, too, for the sake of me feeling no better but a little less alone? Gods know I appreciate the thought, and it's wonderful that he cares enough, but I just can't do it. I wish I could talk to him about those bits I do hear, but I get the overwhelming impression that he'd just rather not hear it. He'll sit an listen anyway, because he's too good a friend not to, but I can see with every sentence that he'd rather not have heard it... and that's the biggest problem.
On the one hand, I want to talk about it, just to get it off my chest and help him understand just what the fuck is going on in this mad head of mine. On the other... I just can't. Knowing the subject matter... knowing it's not real... it feels like a waste of time talking about it, like acknowledging I can hear it makes it more real somehow, I dunno.
So yeah. I'm still hearing things, I can't cope with anger, and I'm only just able to hold back the panic if I have to go to the Job Centre, or A4e, or anything even vaguely official like that. I mean, God Damn, I only just made it into the library to vote and that was a thirty-second task that involved speaking to no-one in my favourite local building.
So... I make it day to day, looking forward to bedtime and learning some Russian. I've been sort-of playing keyboard here and there... but for the most part, I feel like I'm just floating around in a hollow shell, an echo of what I used to be, should still be. My head can't process or retrieve information like it used to. I was never really into the idea of dating or being in a relationship or anything, but these days I don't even bother checking people out. Doesn't seem any point wasting my time, since it's not like any person I look at will ever be interested.
I just... I don't get how I'm supposed to move forward. Every door I try and enter turns out to be locked, the windows are barred, and there's a very nasty looking security guard just slowly shaking his head in a way that suggests attempting to enter the door will end in death. Not his death.
I know that if you don't take a chance, you won't have one... and yet somehow, taking all the chances I can still leaves me without one.