I was just thinking things over
I need to go talk with her. maybe after school monday, no not monday i tutor. tuesday perhaps. but what to discuss? why? why not? how come? does she realize? no thats not a good question. but the other three are. no i would. i promised i wouldnt and i did and he hates me, well thats obvious, but im upset with him. seriously, that was no reason. and never again, which is sad but meh..i'll miss it. the end, all the shit fell apart. i'm seriously ready to do it. but then i sink that low and i dont wanna go to that low. i have more respect. good thing is shes there. i love her. shes awesome! that'll be fun. i've expressed and vented but not enough. came over, but i left, didnt want him to see me cry. he thought i was pissed at him, kinda that mostly i didnt want him to see me emotional. i feel like a girl. i feel like a bad person. its the way she wants it. its always been that way. forever and ever. nothing wil ever change. 2 years and never ever again! a month and i'll never see my friends again, i will miss them dearly but treasure the time i have with them now. gosh thats so annoying. ew! disgusting at the same time. quite disturbing if you realized it. i wanted to talk with him. hes not online and i dont think he would like me to talk to him about it. hes odd. i dont know if i can trust him. the one person i would really like to talk to is him. not guy 2, guy 1. that guy. hes evil but i'd like to know. oh great yea lets start that, cuz you know i'm dying to do that fun stuff again. i chased him away. why? why do i always do that? why do i torture the ones i love so dearly? well that one i dont care cuz its complaining. and that one has no feelings. but this one, i wanted. i would have liked to talk to one on one. alone. well with her but that was obvious. i just wanna sit them down and question why. i care for him, i enjoy her company, i wanted to talk to them. but then i dont know if that gets weird. well that happened with them and they didnt care so why shouldnt i be able to. i dont know if thats interfering personal and professional. huh.....i wonder. but then she probably wouldnt enjoy it and just tell me to fu*k off. gah women are confusing. spiteful and vengeful. interesting choice sir. quite acqurate but see, i should be bigger. this is something that would occur if the reversal took place. be happy while pissed, hatred running in your veins, blood like acid wishing to burst out of your skin and onto theirs. but those are horrible thoughts. it means a lot. why why why in the fu*king hell why!?!??! i need to know! seriously why!?!?!? touchy touchy feely feely stop it! she can, you cant. they can, you cant. STOP STOP YOU CANT I SAID YOU CANT! i need a shrink. mental help. seriously. i do. oh and that cant be here cuz wah wah wah! its another thing to complain about. JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME FINISH A GAH DAMN FU*KING SENTENCE BEFORE YOURS OPENS UP! GAH DAMNIT! i hold in, until i cant hold anymore and i burst. then the shit really flys, and that is when it gets juicy! oh how i love it then. but why? are you? NO I SAID NO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! did i do anything that lead you to believe that was the case? no ASSHOLE! so just SHUT THE FU*K UP! thats all you have to do is SHUT UP! JUST ONCE! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY SHUT THE HELL UP! and all the others were the same. Outcome not as predicted. WE would have been better off. Mommy, i want that one. No sorry child, this one is less appropriate but better cuz i like it better! you know what, you dont get them anymore! Never in your life will you see them. i have them and you wnat them so you know what no! NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!!!!!!! i shoulda said bye. might see that next time, but no. maybe not. i hate that. i can talk to it when the next time rolls around. eventually....its been not that long and i long for it. please dont be mad, just come back and love me! please. i need you. but no one else wants it that way. i'd say the top dog was the only one that way, everything else was complete opposite. But see she said it was understandable. i just want to so bad, and then its all giddy and gah! why dont you just leave me alone? so gah damn clingy!i want to sit and vent. sit and cry. talk with him. i would but that might not be good. shutting down is not healthy. well enough of these discussing, im going to do what i originally said. i'm going to cry. then i will jump off a bridge into the river to a far far away land. no one will find me and if you have problems the number is there. i apologize for this but i needed it. thanks if you took the time to read it and i love you if you called. at least you care. unlike others.....